Landing a cool vampire boyfriend can be a snap, as Sookie Stackhouse does when she wins the heart of vampire Bill in HBO’s “True Blood.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW ORLEANS — Vampires are incredibly sexy and romantic, as anyone knows who’s seen the movie “Twilight,” or the hit HBO series “True Blood.” And you can snag a hot bloodsucker as a boyfriend or girlfriend using one of 20 surefire pickup lines from a knowledgeable insider.
Vinnie Banicelli spent 11 years as a bouncer at a trendy vampire bar in New Orleans, and he made note of the one-liners that worked best with attractive nosferatu.
“To hook up with vampires, it’s important to have a repertoire of pickup lines, just as it would be with ordinary people,” explains Banicelli, author of the upcoming book, Vampire Chic: Inside the Hidden World of the Undead.
“Most vampires come from a time when wit and courtly manners were highly prized. They’re attracted to people who are suave and debonair. They’re very picky when it comes to mates, but if you can show you have confidence and class, you can definitely score with them.”
Here, from the expert, are the top 20 pickup lines:
FROM WOMEN TO MALE VAMPIRES:
1. Are those fangs or are you just happy to see me?
2. That’s a nice looking cape. It would look even nicer on the floor at the foot of my bed.
3. You have permission to enter me anytime.
4. Do you really remember Cleopatra? (Vampire: “Yes.”) I’ll make you forget her!
5. You sound English. I can show you a bloody good time.
6. Hey big boy, I bet you can stay up all night.
7. I can make your heart beat again.
8. Will you turn into a bat for me? (Vampire: “Sure.”) A long, hard one?
9. Is there room for two in your coffin?
10. Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Hot female vampires like these gals from the hit movie “Van Helsing” are not out of the reach of a regular Joe, if he has a good rap.
MEN TO FEMALE VAMPIRES:
1. Don’t worry, I won’t impale you…with a stake.
2. Baby, you’re so beautiful, I’d take 1,000 bites just to get one kiss from you.
3. Is it true what they say about lady vampires? That they really know how to suck?
4. You’re so beautiful, Van Helsing wouldn’t kill you.
5. You’re so sexy, you make me want to whip something out — and it’s not a crucifix.
6. Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
7. Is that bloodlust I’m sensing — or just lust?
8. Is there anything human left in you? (Female vampire: “No.”) Would you like some?
9. If I said you have a beautiful corpse, would you hold it against me?
10. One hour with me and you’ll be seeing THREE reflections in a mirror.
Sexually magnetic and highly romantic, vampires make great boyfriends, as illustrated in the hit “Twilight” movie series.
If you were intrigued and entertained by this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his graphic novel about vampires running amok in a women’s prison, Night Cage, Volume 2.
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CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX
If you got a chuckle out of this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
SHARE YOUR BEST PICKUP LINE!
What’s your favorite pickup line for humans? Leave it in the Comments section.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest escape artist join forces to solve a baffling paranormal mystery.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
BRASOV, Romania – In a brazen midnight raid, scores of vampires overran the Pleasant Valley Naturist Resort and feasted on the blood of the helpless, naked residents!
According to European wire services, the savage, well-coordinated attack left 14 people dead and dozens more in critical condition.
“Eight of us were soaking in the hot tub, when these vicious, hissing creatures came crashing through the window,” shaken survivor Andrei Grigorescu, 52, was quoted as saying. “They dragged the other bathers out kicking and screaming and sank their fangs into them. I was spared only because I weigh 340 pounds and was a bit too heavy for them to lift.”
Massage therapist Madalina Albescu, 23, required an emergency transfusion of 8 pints of blood, as well as treatment for 11 bite wounds on her neck, legs, breasts and buttocks.
“It was absolutely horrifying,” she said. “Two of them chased me across the volleyball court and tackled me like a pair of linebackers. They sucked my blood until I passed out. The doctors told me I was drained nearly dry.”
The nudist colony, in operation since 1973, sits at the foothills of the Faragas Mountains. Authorities had long suspected that the gloomy hill country harbored a nest of vampires and had even posted warning signs to that effect along the winding roads. But until the terrifying blitz, few at the resort paid any heed to the words of caution. Now police say it is likely that vampire scouts conducted surveillance missions in the weeks preceding the raid.
“My wife and some of the other ladies reported that sometimes they sensed that they were being watched, but we just attributed it to lads from the local high school,” revealed Claudiu Dumitrescu, the 61-year-old director of the bottom-baring establishment.
Despite the horrific nature of the tragedy, some residents of the conservative, deeply religious community near the resort show surprisingly little sympathy for the victims. They claim that the nudists’ freewheeling “hedonistic” lifestyle and lack of commonsense safety gear such as crucifixes and high collars made them easy targets for the bloodsuckers.
“Perhaps now they will confine their shameful display of their naked bodies to nude beaches – where there is plenty of sunlight,” said one elderly villager, who asked that her name not be used.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
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If you enjoyed this mind-bending supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new project…
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the graphic novel NIGHT CAGE, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Bram Stoker wrote the grandpa of all vampire books.
Bram Stoker’s kinsman reclaims the famous character in this gripping sequel.
By C. Michael Forsyth
The story of Dracula ends with the blood-drinking fiend destroyed and newlyweds Jonathan and Mina Harker living happily ever after.
Or does it? In the bookDracula the Un-Dead, an exciting sequel to Bram Stoker’s classic written by the author’s great-grandnephew Dacre Stoker, the tale of terror continues to unfold.
I had the good fortune to run into Dacre at the Horror Writer’s Association’s Bram Stoker Weekend, an annual gathering that pays tribute to his famous forebear. A courtly resident of South Carolina, he was quite generous with his time. After his presentation on Bram, we chatted about the extensive research that went into the novel. We traded books, and I’ve finally had a chance to sink my teeth into this juicy vampire yarn.
The book is set in 1912, about 25 years after the events in Dracula, and the band of heroes who put the vampire down are in a sorry state.
Jonathan Harker, once a paragon of Victorian virtue, has been reduced to a whoring, alcoholic wretch. He’s tortured by his inability to sexually satisfy his wife the way that her superhuman “dark prince” could.
Mina, forever tainted by her sip of Dracula’s blood, remains eternally young like Dorian Gray. Guilt-ridden, she counts her youthful appearance as a curse, not a blessing.
Dr. Van Helsing, the wise and fearless vampire killer, is now a frail, vulnerable old man terrified of death.
Dr. Seward, once the esteemed head of the asylum that housed Dracula’s bug-eating flunky Renfield, is himself a drug-addicted lunatic.
Aristocratic Arthur Holmwood, who was forced to stake his fiancée Lucy, is a bitter recluse who blames his former friends for her fate and is driven by a death wish.
IN HAPPIER TIMES: Jonathan Harker, played by Keanu Reeves in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” finds that middle age is “totally bogus.”
New characters are introduced, most prominently Elizabeth Bathory, a real-life relative of Vlad the Impaler, the historical Dracula. The 16th Century noblewoman was the most prolific serial killer in history, making dudes like Jack the Ripper and Ted Bundy look like pikers. The Bloody Countess tortured and killed at least 650 servant girls, bathing in their blood in a quest for immortality. Here, she too is a vampire – and a far more vicious one than the gentlemanly Count Dracula.
BLOODY COUNTESS: Elizabeth Bathory slaughtered at least 650 young maidens — for their blood.
Also taking the stage is Basarab, a handsome and charismatic actor who is Bathory’s hated foe.
Details from the original are cleverly woven into the novel and supporting characters like Renfield and Seward are fleshed out with interesting backstories. Arthur Holmwood, usually little more than an uptight prig in movies, is a fully realized character who’s led a colorful life of adventure. Even Quincy Morris, the Texan who almost never makes the cut in film versions, is given his due.
Usually just an upper-crust square (as played here by Cary Elwes) Lucy’s fiance Arthur emerges as a swashbuckling hero.
Dacre and his co-author Ian Holt, in addition to having access to family lore, dug deep into original sources to find nuggets that enrich the sequel. Dacre traveled to the Rosenbach Museum to comb through Bram Stoker’s notes. Among the fascinating tidbits he uncovered was the character sketch for a detective Bram toyed with including in Dracula but ultimately abandoned. Dacre resurrects Inspector Cotford in the sequel.
Equally painstaking research into early 20th Century London is evident in the authoritative descriptions of locations such as the Lyceum Theater that bring the setting vividly to life. Real people of the time show up, including boozing stage legend John Barrymore — and, surprisingly, Bram Stoker himself!
TOO WISE TO LIVE? Dr. Van Helsing (Everett Sloane) had the will power to resist Dracula in the 1931 Bela Lugosi movie.
Yet despite the loving attention to detail, Dracula the Un-Dead is not slavishly true to the original in that it inverts Dracula’s nature, reimagining him as a Byronic hero rather than a monster. In a sense, the book is not a sequel to Dracula as Bram Stoker told the story so much as a sequel to the story as DRACULA would have told it. (It made me think of the kids’ book My Side of the Story, in which Sleeping Beauty is retold from the witch Maleficent’s perspective.)
MR. NICE GUY? Dracula (portrayed by Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”) saw himself as a romantic hero misunderstood by medding male mortals.
In turning the Victorian worldview upside down Dracula the Un-Dead is likely quite different from the sequel Bram Stoker would have written. But who cares? Do we really need another follow-up to Dracula that carries forward the plot on its trajectory in an easily anticipated way? We’ve already seen movies and comics in which Mina’s son Quincy Harker is an elderly hero waging a crusade against the undead.
Here instead Quincy is a naïve young aspiring actor who puts his dreams of stage success above all else and fawns over his idol Basarab. (Quincy is so clueless he makes Jimmy Olsen look like Albert Einstein). That’s only the first of many surprises the book offers. Co-author Holt is a screenwriter and the fast-paced, action-packed novel is perfectly suited for a movie adaptation.
IN PAST follow-ups in comic books and movies, Quincy Harker is often a gutsy old vampire slayer.
I asked Dacre whether the Stoker clan was still living off “all the Dracula money.” He gave a wistful smile and said no. Sadly, he explained, the family lost the U.S. copyright to Dracula through a clerical error early on and it’s been in the public domain ever since. They haven’t been paid a dime by Hollywood since the 1931 Bela Lugosi movie and unlike the kin of Tarzan creator Edgar Rice Burroughs, have had no control over the wildy popular character and his many — often embarrassingly stupid — incarnations. One of Dacre’s goals was to reclaim Dracula for his family.
“I think Bram would be proud that a family member has taken this initiative and finally done justice to the legacy he created,” he writes in the afterward.
IN THE BLOOD: Dacre Stoker, great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker with C. Michael Forsyth, author of Hour of the Beast, at the Horror Writers Association convention.
If you found this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
MR. NICE GUY: Pope Francis has called for an end to the wholesale killing of vampires.
By C. Michael Forsyth
VATICAN CITY — In yet another startling demonstration of his liberalism and compassion, Pope Francis has issued a moratorium on the destruction of vampires.
“It is our duty as Christians to be charitable toward these unfortunate individuals, following the example of our Lord,” the Pontiff said in an April 28 letter to cardinals responsible for the church’s search-and-destroy program.
The move represents a sharp U-turn for the Catholic Church, which has maintained a stern, take-no-prisoners approach to vampirism since the Middle Ages.
As recently as 1983, his more conservative predecessor John Paul II issued an edict ordering church officials to “destroy all vampires.” An elite taskforce of Vatican exorcists with specialized training carried out the missions, reportedly eliminating 109 blood-drinkers in the decades since then. The clandestine war on the undead has been a staple of fiction, most notably the 1998 John Carpenter movie Vampires.
“Medieval theologians reasoned that vampires are demons that reanimate human corpses,” explains Vatican-watcher Antonio DePlesio, an Italian journalist. “Since they lack souls and are pure evil, they must be destroyed. That is the view the holy mother church has taken ever since. Now Pope Francis is talking about taking a more nuanced approach.”
According to the new policy laid down in the Pope’s letter, a vampire is not to be harmed unless it can be shown he or she presents a direct threat to the community. They are to be treated with kindness and encouraged to surrender to the love of Jesus.
Since he was elected Pope in 2013, His Holiness has softened the Church’s stand on gays, spoken out against income inequality and warned about climate change, earning him praise from liberals in the United States. But some American preachers, especially evangelicals, have greeted the Pope’s new ceasefire order with skepticism.
“The Bible doesn’t mince words when it comes to the evil of vampirism,” declares the Reverend Coby Brokskin of Atlanta, one of the state’s best known vampire-hunters. “Genesis 9:3-4 clearly states, ‘You shall not eat flesh with its life, that is, its blood.’
“Allowing vampires to roam around free may feel good, but it goes against Scripture and also common sense. The Pope may be infallible 99% of the time, but even he gets it wrong once in a while.”
OUT OF A GIG? James Woods led a team of Vatican-sponsored vampire killers in John Carpenter’s “Vampires” (1998).
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
PATIENCE and hours of therapy can help even longtime sufferers beat the phobia.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Nearly 7 out of 10 vampires suffer from a crippling and irrational fear of crosses. But a combination of anxiety meds and talk therapy can lick the phobia, psychiatrists now say.
Dubbed staurophobia by the medical community, the heart-breaking condition can interfere with daily life.
“In its milder form, sufferers cringe at the sight of a crucifix,” reveals Dr. Claire Houldmier of New Orleans. “In more severe cases, the vampire flees in terror from any cross-shaped object, even a pair of candlesticks held to form a cross, or — as unfortunate as this sounds — a peasant merely crossing his fingers.
“I’ve had patients who can’t bring themselves to enter a window — even when invited in — if the window pane has wooden cross bars, or who panic when a child asks for help with math homework, out of fear that they might encounter a plus sign.”
In the past, docs treated the phobia with drugs alone, with limited success. But in recent years, psychiatrists have discovered that talking through the fears can work wonders.
“We often find that the root of the problem goes back to early childhood, when the patient learned his or her religious beliefs,” says Dr. Houldmier. “After transitioning, they reject Jesus and His promise of an afterlife in Heaven — on paper. But subconsciously they have a lingering guilt about this, and being confronted with the crucifix brings that suppressed angst to the surface. In therapy, over a course of several months, we help the vampires to accept that they have simply gained immortality in a different way and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Dr. Houldmier says the therapy, in conjunction with mild sedatives, has an 89% success rate. In a small number of cases that are intractable to treatment, she and her colleagues sometimes resort to hypnotherapy.
“While the patient is under hypnosis, the psychiatrist plants a suggestion, ‘Crucifixes are harmless,'” the expert explains. “Often by that very evening, the vampire is able to seek sources of blood, freed from the fear that burdened them for years, decades or even centuries.”
EVEN something so obviously harmless as a pair of candlesticks held like a plus sign can cause sufferers to recoil in dread.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
If you found this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you’ll love his new graphic novel Night Cage.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Next time you feel the cold breath of a vampire on your throat at night, don’t turn on the lights – because odds are the bloodsucker is butt ugly! While Hollywood movies typically portray vampires as pretty boys and supermodel types, the sad reality is that the vast majority have faces that would stop a clock, an expert says.
“Vampires typically prey on those whom they can easily jump at night,” reveals Dr. Casey Kierlam, a leading hematologist. “That means scab-encrusted vagrants, back alley prostitutes and meth-heads whose teeth are in frightful shape even before they are converted into vampires and sprout fangs.”
By contrast, androgynously handsome aristocrats and drop-dead-gorgeous movie stars are usually surrounded by bodyguards and entourages, and are far too well protected to fall victim to vampire attacks, she noted.
Real vampires are less likely to look like this…
… than this.
The inaccurate depiction of vampires as major hotties has made life difficult for real undead dudes who are “not conventionally handsome.” While mystique may have been enough in the past, those who look more like Bela Lugosi than Brad Pitt now find it hard to close the deal.
“Back in the day, if you told some sweet young thing you could give her everlasting life, you were in like Flynn,” complains 200-year-old blood-drinker and former sanitation worker Burt Hogprow. “Now, thanks to those stupid movies like Twilight, they expect you to look like Robert Pattison too. And if you don’t, they won’t give you the time of day.”
If you got a chuckle out of this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel NIGHT CAGE about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
BUTT-KICKING vampire slayer Rayne carves up Nazi bloodsuckers.
By C. Michael Forsyth
How could I resist watching “BloodRayne: The Third Reich” when it popped up on Netflix? A sword-slinging Vampirella battling Nazis; steamy lesbian sex and Opie Taylor’s kid brother as a kooky Dr. Mengele-type makes for a C movie well worth a 3:00 a.m. viewing when you’re in the grip of insomnia.
Rayne, like Blade, is a dhampir – the offspring of a woman who was bitten by a vampire while pregnant. She has all the abilities of vampires, such as superhuman strength and speed, but none of their vulnerabilities. She’s immune to holy water, garlic, crucifixes, the insatiable thirst for human blood — and, most importantly, the “day walker” isn’t harmed by sunlight. She’s driven by a mission to wipe out the scourge of vampirism one bloodsucker at a time.
As this movie begins, however, the curvaceous heroine’s primary antagonists aren’t vampires. Instead she’s kicking the butts of Hitler’s stormtroopers in occupied Romania. Rayne is far from the first superhero to mix it up with the Nazis. Captain America and Superman duked it out with them decades ago. But it is novel to see a busty, fanged Xena-type taking on German soldiers with twin samurai swords. And Nazis are still the best villains of all time.
Rayne and her allies in the Resistance are put on the defensive after she inadvertently bites a German commandant. He inherits most of her unique traits and Rayne is horrified by having sired a vampire for the first time. She vows to put him down before he delivers to Adolf Hitler the power to spawn an invincible army.
STAR Natassia Malthe brings two big things to the role of Rayne.
The story is well written and although the low budget is clearly evident, the production values are good enough that you accept the time period and setting. The movie’s biggest flaw is the star Nastassia Malthe. The actress brings to role a pair of magnificent breasts and… well, that’s it. Her wooden performance is as awkward as an eighth grader auditioning for a school play. Making things even worse, she’s hampered by a ridiculous costume: an aviator-type leather hat with earflaps that looks like it belongs on a Peanuts character. Malthe takes over the part of Rayne from Kristina Loken, who appeared in the first two films in the series and presumably was more convincing.
SCIENCE PROJECT: Dr. Mangler (get it?) delights in experimenting on vampires.
On the plus side, you have former child actor Clint Howard as a Nazi doctor who conducts gruesome experiments on vampires. Ron Howard’s younger brother starred in the 1967-1969 TV show “Gentle Ben,” but he’s never had quite the squeaky clean, all-American looks and persona of Andy Griffith’s screen son. Here, he puts his rat-like teeth and raspy voice to good use in creating a very creepy and entertaining character.
Zeig HELL! Nazi Commandant Brand (Michael Mare) is consumed by bloodlust.
Michael Pare does not fare as well as Commandant Brand. I’ve always liked this actor, who appeared in “The Philadelphia Experiment,” and wonder why he wasn’t able to parlay his exceptional good looks and talent into a berth on the A-list. Here, however, he delivers a fairly bland performance. He acts pretty much the same before and after his conversion. Pare’s Brooklyn accent doesn’t help.
RAYNE takes out time from vamire slaying to enjoy a steamy massage.
In the movie, we’re supposed to accept that the actors playing Germans and Romanians are speaking in their native languages, although we hear them speaking English with American accents. I understand the concept and it is totally logical. If we’re hearing characters speak as they sound to each other, why indeed should they have funny accents? The conceit was used in the classic commando flick “Where Eagles Dare” with mixed results. You could totally buy that when Richard Burton posing as a Nazi officer spoke in a clipped British accent, he was actually speaking German. When Clint Eastwood talked with an American accent it was harder to suspend disbelief.
The trouble with using this approach in a low-budget movie is that it risks the viewer thinking that the stars can’t act well enough to fake foreign accents.
Despite its flaws, the movie appears to be moving toward a rousing finale as a convoy led by the vampire commandant heads to Berlin to hand over the secret of immortality to Hitler. Unfortunately it ends rather abruptly. Darn! A scene of Rayne going toe to toe with a vampire Fuhrer would have elevated the film into a truly fun guilty pleasure. Instead, I’m afraid I can give it only a two out of five swastika rating.
Vampires run amok in a women’s prison in the gorgeously illustrated, 80-page graphic novel Night Cage. When a newly made vampire is sentenced to an escape-proof, underground slammer, she quickly begins to spread the contagion.
Bram Stoker wrote the grandpa of all vampire books.
Bram Stoker’s kinsman reclaims the famous character in this gripping sequel.
By C. Michael Forsyth
The story of Dracula ends with the blood-drinking fiend destroyed and newlyweds Jonathan and Mina Harker living happily ever after.
Or does it? In the book Dracula the Un-Dead, an exciting sequel to Bram Stoker’s classic written by the author’s great-grandnephew Dacre Stoker, the tale of terror continues to unfold.
I had the good fortune to run into Dacre at the Horror Writer’s Association’s Bram Stoker Weekend, an annual gathering that pays tribute to his famous forebear. A courtly resident of South Carolina, he was quite generous with his time. After his presentation on Bram, we chatted about the extensive research that went into the novel. We traded books, and I’ve finally had a chance to sink my teeth into this juicy vampire yarn.
The book is set in 1912, about 25 years after the events in Dracula, and the band of heroes who put the vampire down are in a sorry state.
Jonathan Harker, once a paragon of Victorian virtue, has been reduced to a whoring, alcoholic wretch. He’s tortured by his inability to sexually satisfy his wife the way that her superhuman “dark prince” could.
Mina, forever tainted by her sip of Dracula’s blood, remains eternally young like Dorian Gray. Guilt-ridden, she counts her youthful appearance as a curse, not a blessing.
Dr. Van Helsing, the wise and fearless vampire killer, is now a frail, vulnerable old man terrified of death.
Dr. Seward, once the esteemed head of the asylum that housed Dracula’s bug-eating flunky Renfield, is himself a drug-addicted lunatic.
Aristocratic Arthur Holmwood, who was forced to stake his fiancée Lucy, is a bitter recluse who blames his former friends for her fate and is driven by a death wish.
IN HAPPIER TIMES: Jonathan Harker, played by Keanu Reeves in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” finds that middle age is “totally bogus.”
New characters are introduced, most prominently Elizabeth Bathory, a real-life relative of Vlad the Impaler, the historical Dracula. The 16th Century noblewoman was the most prolific serial killer in history, making dudes like Jack the Ripper and Ted Bundy look like pikers. The Bloody Countess tortured and killed at least 650 servant girls, bathing in their blood in a quest for immortality. Here, she too is a vampire – and a far more vicious one than the gentlemanly Count Dracula.
BLOODY COUNTESS: Elizabeth Bathory slaughtered at least 650 young maidens — for their blood.
Also taking the stage is Basarab, a handsome and charismatic actor who is Bathory’s hated foe.
Details from the original are cleverly woven into the novel and supporting characters like Renfield and Seward are fleshed out with interesting backstories. Arthur Holmwood, usually little more than an uptight prig in movies, is a fully realized character who’s led a colorful life of adventure. Even Quincy Morris, the Texan who almost never makes the cut in film versions, is given his due.
Usually just an upper-crust square (as played here by Cary Elwes) Lucy’s fiance Arthur emerges as a swashbuckling hero.
Dacre and his co-author Ian Holt, in addition to having access to family lore, dug deep into original sources to find nuggets that enrich the sequel. Dacre traveled to the Rosenbach Museum to comb through Bram Stoker’s notes. Among the fascinating tidbits he uncovered was the character sketch for a detective Bram toyed with including in Dracula but ultimately abandoned. Dacre resurrects Inspector Cotford in the sequel.
Equally painstaking research into early 20th Century London is evident in the authoritative descriptions of locations such as the Lyceum Theater that bring the setting vividly to life. Real people of the time show up, including boozing stage legend John Barrymore — and, surprisingly, Bram Stoker himself!
TOO WISE TO LIVE? Dr. Van Helsing (Everett Sloane) had the will power to resist Dracula in the 1931 Bela Lugosi movie.
Yet despite the loving attention to detail, Dracula the Un-Dead is not slavishly true to the original in that it inverts Dracula’s nature, reimagining him as a Byronic hero rather than a monster. In a sense, the book is not a sequel to Dracula as Bram Stoker told the story so much as a sequel to the story as DRACULA would have told it. (It made me think of the kids’ book My Side of the Story, in which Sleeping Beauty is retold from the witch Maleficent’s perspective.)
MR. NICE GUY? Dracula (portrayed by Gary Oldman in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”) saw himself as a romantic hero misunderstood by medding male mortals.
In turning the Victorian worldview upside down Dracula the Un-Dead is likely quite different from the sequel Bram Stoker would have written. But who cares? Do we really need another follow-up to Dracula that carries forward the plot on its trajectory in an easily anticipated way? We’ve already seen movies and comics in which Mina’s son Quincy Harker is an elderly hero waging a crusade against the undead.
Here instead Quincy is a naïve young aspiring actor who puts his dreams of stage success above all else and fawns over his idol Basarab. (Quincy is so clueless he makes Jimmy Olsen look like Albert Einstein). That’s only the first of many surprises the book offers. Co-author Holt is a screenwriter and the fast-paced, action-packed novel is perfectly suited for a movie adaptation.
IN PAST follow-ups in comic books and movies, Quincy Harker is often a gutsy old vampire slayer.
I asked Dacre whether the Stoker clan was still living off “all the Dracula money.” He gave a wistful smile and said no. Sadly, he explained, the family lost the U.S. copyright to Dracula through a clerical error early on and it’s been in the public domain ever since. They haven’t been paid a dime by Hollywood since the 1931 Bela Lugosi movie and unlike the kin of Tarzan creator Edgar Rice Burroughs, have had no control over the wildy popular character and his many — often embarrassingly stupid — incarnations. One of Dacre’s goals was to reclaim Dracula for his family.
“I think Bram would be proud that a family member has taken this initiative and finally done justice to the legacy he created,” he writes in the afterward.
IN THE BLOOD: Dacre Stoker, great-grandnephew of Bram Stoker with C. Michael Forsyth, author of Hour of the Beast, at the Horror Writers Association convention.
IN A RELATED STORY…
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
ON THE HOUR OF THE BEAST FRONT…
I attended Dragon*con 2012 in Atlanta to promote my horror novel Hour of the Beast and pick up tips on independent filmmaking. Some great panels on subjects ranging from movie pre-production and distribution to the future of black science fiction. The highlight was Stan Lee talking to a packed ballroom. The comic-industry giant is feisty as ever, his brain still bubbling with creativity. Of course, I didn’t completely ignore the gazillion gals in skimpy costumes. Some were marvelously imaginative, others not so much. You’d think a guy would never get tired of seeing women in that barely-there bandage getup from “The Fifth Element,” but after number 30, I did!
STAN THE MAN
DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN
SHREK’S GAL
LADY IN RED
The author of this article also wrote the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. In the opening chapter, a bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. Then things get out of hand.
Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the motion picture hits the big screen.
PERFECT CASTING: Benjamin Walker is a better young Abe Lincoln than Henry Fonda.
By C. Michael Forsyth
As a former writer for Weekly World News, I appreciate the craft that goes into taking a ludicrous premise and making it come true. I was once assigned an article headlined “Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers.” A challenging task, since the father of communism died before any of the comedians were born.
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter makes the absurd believable with the greatest success of any horror movie since Darkness Falls rebooted the Tooth Fairy as a monster.
The filmmakers pull off this tour de force thanks largely to brilliant casting. Benjamin Walker is a terrific Honest Abe and his earnest performance helps us forget that history is being turned on its head. Strapping and handsome, with just the right mix of naivety and gravitas, he’s as perfect for the role as Christopher Reeve was as Superman.
Second only to Jesus, Lincoln is the most difficult acting role. Even a great actor like Sam Waterson tends to appear corny when he dons that iconic stovepipe hat and starts spouting folksy aphorisms. Just ask the poor dude who played Lincoln in that Star Trek episode where aliens force history’s heroes and villains to duke it out (arguably the series’ worst). Walker is actually a more convincing young Abe Lincoln than Henry Fonda and in makeup as old Abe looks strikingly like photos of the martyred president.
Also well cast are Rufus Sewell as Adam, the icy and domineering king of the vampires, and Erin Wasson as his henchwoman. The blonde with the bee-stung lips is one of the most gorgeous female bloodsuckers ever to grace the silver screen.
VAMPIRE LORD (Rufus Sewell) is a formidable foe.
Another reason the film works is that regardless of the goofy concept, there is a truth at its core. When I read the book by Seth Grahame-Smith, I took it as more than just an clever interweaving of biographical information and fantasy. It’s an allegory. Slave masters were in a very real sense vampires: pseudo-aristocratic parasites living off humans they saw as cattle.
The movie manages to overcome a hurdle as high as the laughable premise: That we know the hero can’t die (at least not until he relaxes with an outing to the theater). I call this the James Bond Time Bomb Dilemma. When 007 is diffusing a nuclear weapon that’s ticking down from 90 seconds, we’re supposed to be on the edge of our seats. But in reality it’s bogus suspense since we all know he’s going to survive. Who really sweats?
Director Timur Bekmambetov slams the audience with vampire-battling scenes so dynamic that viewers forget Lincoln must prevail. One of the most memorable fights takes place in the midst of a stampede. Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the screenplay, lends a hand by throwing out most of the confrontations in the book and replacing them with more ingenious ones. So even if you’ve read the novel, you’re constantly startled.
Thankfully, the writer also alters the ending, which I found the most unsatisfying of any novel I’ve ever read.
RUNAWAY TRAIN: ABE and his boyhood pal Will (Anthony Mackie) see trouble down the line.
Of course, not every critic found this theater-going experience as delightful as I did. One reviewer admonished the movie-makers for indulging in “revisionist history.” And, sadly, he wasn’t deliberately trying to be funny. That’s like calling The Lion King an inaccurate nature documentary!
Some just couldn’t get past the silliness of the whole idea of juxtaposing a famous historical figure with popular movie monsters. Hey, to me that’s where the fun comes in. Others found the “reimagining” of the Civil War as a battle against pure evil too heavy-handed.
Hello? The Civil War was a battle against pure evil, as surely as World War II. What the heck do you think Hitler was trying to create? A society made up of a Master Race and slaves. The antebellum south was the Nazi state fully realized, and thank God Abraham Lincoln took an ax to it.
If you have any doubt about this, re-read the Gettysburg Address. You’ll see that the “stakes” were as high in the real Civil War as the one depicted in this vampire flick.
HONEST ABE took an ax to slavery.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
PRISON life becomes even more hellish when a vampire epidemic erupts in a women’s prison.
I’m excited to announce the launch of my first graphic novel, Night Cage! The premise of the horror story is simple: Vampires take over a women’s prison. Just imagine Orange is the New Black meets Salem’s Lot.
The project is being funded through Kickstarter. Folks who jump on the bandwagon will get a boatload of goodies and rewards, ranging from advance copies of the book and exclusive art, posters and T-shirts to a chance to be drawn into the graphic novel as a character!
Please check out the video out HERE, and share the news with all your social media friends!
PRISONERS fight for survival against a bloodthirsty army of the undead in the graphic novel Night Cage.
President Lincoln may have wiped out America's vampires, but werewolves still roam free. The author of this article wrote the horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf novel since The Howling.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5.
FREEZE, BLOODSUCKER! Freedom fighter Elvis (Willem Dafoe) gets the drop on vampire scientist Edward (Ethan Hawke).
By C. Michael Forsyth
The strangest nightmare I ever had was an astonishingly vivid dream at age 13 in which vampires were taking over my native Manhattan. I woke up screaming and returned to sleep with difficulty. But here’s the weird part: when I awoke again, I was in the New Jersey woods and a trio of strangers were hovering over me. When I asked who they were, they reminded me that they were with “the Resistance.” In short order, we were heading across the George Washington Bridge, armed with crossbows, on a “reconnaissance mission” into New York. After some misadventures, I woke again in my bed, to the pleasing face of my mother (without fangs).
Since that time, I’ve always awakened in the non-vampire reality, knock wood. But I was intrigued by the notion of writing a novel in which vampires had taken over the world. I was a bit disappointed to soon learn that I’d been beaten to the punch by the original “Last Man on Earth.” Yet I remain fascinated by the idea.
“Daybreakers,” now on DVD, adopts that very premise. Set in the year 2019, it depicts a future in which vampires have finally achieved world domination. The bad news, for them, is they’ve succeeded only too well – there are almost no humans left to prey upon and the blood supply is rapidly running out. The movie has only a few scary moments. Most memorably, the vampire protagonist Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke) and his brother are set upon by one of the “subsiders,” C.H.U.D.-like wretches that have transformed into bat-winged, pointy-eared monstrosities as a result of blood-starvation.
But the film works best as social satire, presenting a cleverly thought-out dystopia, a kind of 1984 or Brave New World with vampires. Everything follows logically from the idea that our society is the essentially the same, but populated by vampires. There are nifty inventions such as shuttered, high-tech cars that employ cameras and computer technology to allow vamps to drive in daylight. A bloodsucking pharmaceutical giant is now literally a bloodsucking pharmaceutical giant, warehousing unconscious humans in vast bays, hooked up to tubes that drain their blood for sale.
The reliable Sam Neill, a terrific movie hero in “Jurassic Park,” is equally effective as the loathsome head honcho of the pharmaceutical company. Former child actor Hawke, who seems gaunter and more intense with every role, is compelling as a reluctant vampire who pines for his lost humanity. A drug-company hematologist, he is racing to develop synthetic blood before the entire population is converted to subsiders, then wiped out by famine.
Yes, there is a Resistance. And yes, as with just about every such saga from “Red Dawn” to “V,” there’s an element of World-War II nostalgia to it. But there’s a twist. It turns out that one of the leaders, played by William Dafoe, has a remarkable trait that may offer a solution to the vampire dilemma before society collapses.
WATCH the trailer for the terrifying novel Hour of the Beast by clicking on the link below
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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