U.S. President Donald Trump is reportedly set to establish his own private spy agency—and you can help come up with a catchy name for our leader’s new secret police.
“The Trump administration is considering a set of proposals developed by Blackwater founder Erik Prince and a retired CIA officer—with assistance from Oliver North, a key figure in the Iran-Contra scandal—to provide the White House with a global, private spy network that would circumvent official U.S. intelligence agencies, according to several current and former U.S. intelligence officials and others familiar with the proposals,” The Intercept reports.
“The sources say the plans have been pitched to the White House as a means of countering ‘deep state’ enemies in the intelligence community seeking to undermine Donald Trump’s presidency.”
The President’s personal spy agency will likely have its own emblem, similar to that of the KGB, once run by Trump pal Vladimir Putin.
Blackwater is the shady mercenary outfit that played a key role in the occupation of Iraq. Its founder Prince already has a cozy relationship with Trump: his sister is controversial Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. Trump’s personal spy agency will report only to the president and will be funded by wealthy donors. The Mission: Impossible-style secret agents won’t carry out operations against Russia. Instead, they’ll combat what Trump considers the “real” enemy: the CIA, NSA, FBI, Defense Intelligence Agency, Office of Naval Intelligence, Air Force Intelligence and all of America’s other intelligence agencies. And, unlike the CIA, no law will prevent it from pursuing targets in the U.S.
In the beloved TV series “Get Smart,” agent Maxwell Smart (Don Adams) worked for a secret organization named Control.
All that Trump’s spanking new secret police is missing is a name. Below are some possibilities. Choose your favorite, or if none catch your fancy, come up with a suggestion of your own. We’ll send the most popular picks in this poll, plus readers’ three most catchy suggestions, to the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., where President Trump himself will make the final choice. (Note: KGB has already been taken).
Soviet strongman Joseph Stalin created an elite security force called the NKVD.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — To keep Donald Trump’s tax returns from the public, IRS officials are securing them in an impregnable safe in a locked room no one is allowed to enter. But a top expert in keeping dangerous documents out of the wrong hands says that doesn’t go nearly far enough.
“That safe should be encased in a hermetically sealed titanium vault,” said Herman Klausgrove, an advisor to the Vatican. “The vault should be placed in the cargo hold of a submarine and the doors to both the cargo hold and the sub welded shut. The submarine could then be scuttled in the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench, with all records of the exact location shredded, then burned.”
THE MARIANA TRENCH, more than 7 miles deep, is literally the bottom of the sea.
Klausgrove is unquestionably the leading expert in the field. He is credited with concealing numerous books and manuscripts deemed unsafe for public consumption, many associated with the occult. These include Adolf Hitler’s personal copy of the notorious Oera Linda, said to contain powerful 4,000-year-old spells from Atlantis, and dubbed the Bible of the Third Reich.
Most recently, the expert deep-sixed the original copy of the Grand Grimoire, also known as the Red Dragon or the Gospel of Satan, purportedly written by Honorius of Thebes while possessed by Lucifer and discovered in the tomb of King Solomon. The Necromonicon-like book is chockful of blasphemous incantations, demon-raising rites and occult spells – including one potent enough to compel even a Pope submit to the Devil. While the age-old tome was long kept under lock and key in a secret Vatican archive, last year Pope Francis made the decision to hide it somewhere even safer.
THE GRAND GRIMOIRE, one of the most dangerous books on Earth
“The book is impervious to fire and even attempts to destroy it with acid and explosives have failed,” Klausgrove explained. “The only alternative was to put it somewhere it could never be found again.”
The crafty specialist refused to divulge anything about where he ferreted away the Grand Grimoire, but hinted that the public would be very surprised to learn the answer.
“Sometimes the trick is to hide an object in plain sight,” he said coyly.
Trump’s tax returns became a subject of controversy during the 2016 campaign, when unlike every other past presidential candidate, he refused to release them. At the time, the flamboyant real estate tycoon vowed that he would let voters see them once he was elected, but soon after he was inaugurated, a spokesman declared that the returns would never see the light of day.
CANDIDATE Trump swore that he would release his tax returns if elected.
There has been renewed interest in the President’s taxes after he pushed through a tax reform bill that could cut the money he pays Uncle Sam by an estimated $1 billion. Reporters have been eager to take a peek at the forbidden documents, one calling it “the Holy Grail of White House reporting.” But the IRS has redoubled efforts to keep them from the public eye.
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen recently told Politico magazine, “It’s in a locked cabinet in a locked room that nobody’s in. You’ll need a key to the room and the cabinet to get it. We’re in the process of turning that cabinet into a safe.”
But Klausgrove warns that a determined safe cracker might retrieve the documents.
“If the contents of those returns came to light, the fallout might be as devastating as reading aloud from any of the unholy texts I’ve hidden over the years.”
READING aloud from a forbidden book bound in human skin can have unforeseen consequences, as characters learn in the movie The Evil Dead.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
NEW YORK CITY — Anti-manspreading crusaders aren’t taking the problem sitting down. They’ve launched a nationwide campaign to snuff out the rude male behavior—by training guys to sit with their ankles primly crossed.
“In etiquette classes, properly raised young ladies are taught to sit with their ankles crossed—never with their knees spread wide, which is of course quite vulgar,” explained retired etiquette instructor Clarice Bowdlake, who spent her 30-year career at a girls’ school for manners. “It is time we teach men to do the same. There is no reason why even the most uneducated man cannot learn to sit with the grace and decorum of Queen Elizabeth.”
There is an epidemic of manspreading on public transportation, experts say.
NEW YORK CITY — Manspreading is when a man sits with his knees spread brazenly apart, particularly on a bus or subway seat when doing so takes up extra space. The inconsiderate conduct has become a bane of female commuters, who complain that they end up either having to stand or sit squeezed uncomfortably to one side.
The training program is the brainchild of activist Courtney Featherstein, who has pushed through numerous ordinances regulating manspreading across the country. Her organization Close Your Legs has hired dozens of expert instructors like Bowdlake to lead classes in 20 cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta and D.C.
“Manspreading is more than just an affront to basic civility, it’s a primary symbol of male privilege,” Featherstein declared. “Men use it as a way to project dominance.”
Manspreading is used to communicate power, as in this case where two leaders vie to out-manspread each other.
The two-hour training sessions, which cost $140, don’t just cover sitting. Male enrolees are also shown the proper way to hold a teacup—one pinky extended—curtsey, avoid burping and other basics.
Many of the students are progressive men hoping to learn more sensitive behavior and earn points with their girlfriends. Others have been sent to the classes by forward-looking businesses that cough up the fee and give employees time off to attend. For now, participation is voluntary, but Featherstein hopes that one day soon, high schools will make such classes mandatory for all young males.
“I’d like to see it become as routine as taking a driver’s ed course,” she said.
American men need to be educated on the important issue, the activist revealed. Stunningly, many still don’t even know what manspreading is.
Admits Nick R., 35, of Bangor, Maine, “When I saw a headline with the word ‘manspreading’ in it last year, I thought it was some kind of new gay bedroom move, and I skipped the article.”
But ignorance and homophobia aren’t the only obstacles to stamping out manspreading. So-called “men’s rights” organizations have been whining that the whole movement is anti-male.
“I’d love to sit with my knees pressed together on a bus or subway, but we men have something between our legs we call testicles,” insisted Jerry Nogland, president of the Male Liberation Brigade. “These women are trying to create a society in which all men are effete wusses, like in that movie Zardoz. It’s not right.”
In the bizarre 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz, Sean Connery plays the last remaining masculine human on the planet.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of incredible stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Following the gun massacre at a Texas church in which 26 worshippers were killed, Fox and Friends hostess Ainsley Earhardt commented that if she and her fellow Fox staffers were to be blown away in a mass shooting, “there’s no other place we would want to go other than church.”
The thought-provoking remark has led many Americans to ponder where they would prefer to be gunned down in an upcoming mass shooting. An informal survey yielded a wide range of locales.
Alison K., 38., of Greenwood, S.C., says she’d choose to meet the Grim Reaper while relaxing on a beach, listening to her playlist. Wayne T., 44, of Montgomery, Ala., would spend his final hours in the Playboy Mansion, surrounded by bosomy Playmates. Crafty, 26-year-old Sheryl N. of Boise, Idaho, picked a hospital, where trauma surgeons might be able to extract the bullets and revive her.
A GUN MASSACRE is preceded by a relaxing day in the beach in this scene from the movie American Assassin.
If you had your druthers, where would you be pumped full of lead by America’s next top gunner?
In growing numbers, foreign terrorists are refusing to set foot in America, because they’re scared stiff of being blown away in a mass shooting!
“They think the United States is simply too dangerous and are requesting assignments in countries with fewer guns,” a frustrated ISIS recruiter acknowledged. “They are opting to serve in places like England and Denmark where mass murder with semi-automatic rifles is less frequent.”
Some of those who’ve said no to coming to America are battle-hardened killers accustomed to risking death in war-torn Syria. They resent being branded as “cowards” by other terrorists.
“I do not mind dying as a martyr while carrying out an attack on infidels, I look forward to that day with joy,” claimed an ISIS member who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “But I wish to carry out a suicide bombing, or whatever Allah wills, on a day that we have planned. I do not want to have my head blown off by some random American crazy man.”
A whopping 378 people have been killed or wounded in the U.S. by mass shooters so far in 2017, according to Mass Shooting Tracker. The weapon of choice for many of the trigger-happy madmen is the popular AR-15. One reason that other western countries have failed to rack up as impressive a body count as the U.S. is that such military-type assault weapons aren’t as easily available, experts say.
“Our gun homicide rate is 20 times that of Australia, which has firmer firearms regulations,” revealed a law enforcement source. “It’s no wonder that foreign terrorists are jittery about visiting here.”
But ISIS honchos show little sympathy toward terrorists who are chicken about ducking bullets in America.
“You have to understand, many of our members are weary of fighting. In America, they expect to enjoy a peaceful, relaxing period lasting months or years before they receive orders to stage an attack,” the recruiter explained. “They want to experience all the creature comforts of your corrupt western society: air conditioning, shopping malls, gentlemen’s clubs, a Starbucks on every corner. All that without any risk of death in a mass shooting?
“The leadership has been very patient until now, but if volunteers do not begin to show more grit when it comes to assignments in the U.S., heads will roll—and yes, I do mean that literally.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre new articles, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
A spirited debate has cropped up among scientists, ethicists and ordinary U.S. citizens about which would be a better replacement species for humankind: a master race of genetically enhanced superhumans, or androids thousands of times more intelligent than people.
“Robot overlords would be more likely to govern fairly because they have no emotions,” argued Bernard Herkstone, a top expert in artificial intelligence.
But humans genetically engineered for superior intelligence get the vote of bio-ethicist Dr. Natalie Lungucci.
Khan, a genetically engineered superman, appeared in a classic “Star Trek” episode.
“Homo Sapiens have had a good run,” she pointed out. “We’ve had dominion over this planet for more than 30,000 years. But it’s time for a changing of the guard. If we can create a new sub-species that is free of disease, has a super-genius I.Q. and none of our flaws, for goodness sake why wouldn’t we? We can take pride in the knowledge that these Numans, as I like to call them, will be our direct descendants, just as we descend from the now-extinct Homo Erectus.”
Computer experts estimate that within a few decades, if not sooner, advances in A.I. will reach what’s known as the “singularity,” the point at which programs have greater reasoning capacity than people.
“Imperfect human politicians can then be replaced by androids with impeccable judgement,” explained Herkstone. “There would no longer be the need for human college professors, journalists or even artists, because synthetic beings will do a much better job.”
Meanwhile, the science of gene-editing is becoming increasingly sophisticated.
“After eliminating hereditary diseases, scientists will be able to move onto removing such flaws as shortness of height and unattractive facial features,” Dr. Lungucci explained. “Genes borrowed from animals will be essential ingredients. DNA from a salamander, for example, could give the Numans the ability to regenerate lost limbs. Plant DNA could give them the ability to obtain extra energy through photosynthesis. Most importantly, the Numans will be as superior to us ‘Old Humans’ in intelligence as we are to the rhesus monkey.”
Now the race is on, experts agree.
“There’s really no telling which type of superior being will cross the finish line first and replace humans as the dominant species on Earth,” Herkstone said. “It will be very exciting to watch.”
This is of course satire…at least for another couple of years. If you enjoyed it, check out the writer C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Before there was The X Files and Supernatural, there was Kolchak: The Nightstalker, and before H.P. Lovecraft, there was Edgar Allan Poe. Both these wellsprings of the macabre fueled my imagination when I was a teenager, and it is a delight to see them combined in a recent graphic novel.
In Kolchak, The Night Stalker: Forgotten Lore of Edgar Allan Poe, the intrepid monster-chasing reporter played by Darren McGavin in the 1974-1975 TV show, is back in action, knee-deep in paranormal mysteries revolving around tales by Poe—the grandfather of the weird short story. The writer, James Chambers, does a smashing job of recapturing the personality of the determined underdog, as well as the show’s storytelling style. In the book, Kolchak has a series of adventures, each playing off of a Poe story, including The Telltale Heart, The Premature Burial, the Black Cat, the Tomb of Ligeia and The Masque of the Red Death. These episodes, while satisfying reads individually, are all linked by a narrative that runs through the graphic novel—concerning a magician obsessed with Poe. There are plenty of nuggets to please Poe fans, such as a character named Annabelle Lee.
REPORTER Kolchak hasn’t lost his knack for uncovering the uncanny.
Carl Kolchak is unchanged, still sporting his signature rumpled white suit and straw hat. He has made a few concessions to 2017. Instead of his old tape recorder and typewriter, he travels with a laptop that he uses to Skype his boss, the grumpy Tony Vincenzo. An interesting touch is that three different artists with distinct styles contributed to the book, depicting the character with varying degrees of success. Between Luis Czerniawski, Felipe Kroll and Jim Fern, I think the last does the best job in nailing McGavin’s mischievous Irish face. To me, the actor resembled a less-handsome Sean Connery.
ICONIC Kolchak was only on TV for one year.
I was a huge fan of the series, in which Kolchak, a reporter for the fictional INS wire service, investigated crimes that invariably turned out to have a supernatural cause. The police were useless, either refusing to believe anything abnormal was going on, or getting tossed about like rag dolls by whatever creature happened to be wreaking havoc that week. So, the plucky journalist always had to take matters into his own hands and dispatch the monster.
In the course of the show, Kolchak’s investigative reporting turned up vampires, werewolves, mummies, doppelgangers and many other of the usual unusual suspects. What made the show so great was McGavin’s character: sly, streetwise, with a sense of humor. I often thought that Kolchak would be fun to follow even if there were no supernatural element and he was doggedly exposing crooked politicians and solving ordinary crimes.
Although the iconic character was McGavin’s best work and is his chief legacy as an actor, he wasn’t satisfied with the show, despite rewriting many scenes himself, and bailed after one season. He was principally frustrated with the monster-of-the-week aspect of the show. This was, indeed, its main weakness. It was never explained why Kolchak “just happened” to stumble onto the supernatural on a regular basis. Chris Carter, creator of The X Files, cites The Night Stalker as his biggest source of inspiration. And in his show that problem is solved: his heroes’ job is hunting the paranormal.
As a kid watching The Night Stalker, I came up with my own explanation that is as good as any. Kolchak, although he doesn’t know it, has been appointed by some higher power to be a champion of good, a white-suited knight battling the darkness.
Check out works by this reviewer, including the horror novel Hour of the Beast, HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
WASHINGTON — As Congress prepares to pass a bill easing restrictions on gun silencers, the International Society of Gentlemen Assassins is hailing the move–and is asking for equal treatment for other tools of the trade, such as cyanide capsules and poison darts!
“We’re pleased as punch that the government is taking action on silencers, which are so helpful in making it hard to tell where your shots are coming from,” said Dan Castlewick, a spokesperson for the prestigious 80-year-old organization. “Now is the time to make other essential weapons easier to obtain and reduce the hassle of using tried-and-true assassination techniques.”
The I.S.G.A. wants the law relaxed on the following items:
Razor-Edged Bowler Hats
Cyanide capsules
Poison Darts
Feeding to Piranhas
Cattle Stunners (Captive Bolt Pistols)
Car Bombs
Garottes
Tarantulas
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
LOYALTY OATH: Saying the Pledge is already required in schools across America.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Good news for patriots! A new federal law will make it mandatory for every worker in America to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each work day.
The Defense of Liberty Act will require companies to allot two minutes every morning for workers in offices and on factory floors to salute a regulation-size flag and declare their loyalty to the United States. Furthermore, before any major event such as a company retreat, picnic or baseball game, the National Anthem must be played. Firms that fail to enact the policy face a stiff penalty of up to $3,500 per day.
The bill is still in committee, but lawmakers are confident that there will be enough votes for it to pass both the House and Senate, and that super-patriotic President Donald Trump will sign it into law.
“In the current environment, many Americans don’t feel comfortable exhibiting their love for this country. This law makes it safe to be a patriot again,” says conservative activist Newton Lartley, a strong advocate for the legislation. “When you hear all your coworkers saying the Pledge alongside you, just like in elementary school, you know that it’s OK to be proud of our flag.”
Not surprisingly, many ACLU types are up in arms, protesting that the act would violate the “rights” of citizens who aren’t all that patriotic. But supporters say that our number one priority should be encouraging devotion to America, the land of liberty.
Notes one Republican lawmaker, “It’s not asking a lot for Americans to, once a day, show their gratitude to this great land by confirming that we are indeed ‘one nation, under God, invisible.’”
FLAG-LOVING Donald Trump will go down in history as our most patriotic President, if allegations that he is a Russian agent are disproved.
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
KEY WEST – A Florida man who fearlessly fired his rifle into Hurricane Irma is being hailed as a hero, after shooting down a pair of great white sharks that were spiraling toward a mom and her toddlers.
Edward “Slim” Wilderghast, 61, a lifelong NRA member and avid hunter, hit one of the enormous sea creatures in the heart and nailed the second directly between the eyes, authorities confirm.
Neighbor Kelly Burenwick, whose mobile home had been reduced to splinters by the storm, recalls sheltering her 3-year-old twin girls with her body as the terrifying predators tumbled toward them through the air, mouths agape.
“The sharks were coming straight for us. I thought we were goners for sure,” said Ms. Burenwick, 29. “I told Rose and Abigail, ‘Close your eyes, girls.’ Then out of nowhere I heard gunshots. I looked up and there on his roof was our neighbor Mr. Wilderghast with his rifle. We owe him our lives.”
Hurricane Irma was one of the strongest storms in recorded history. Newspapers reported sightings of seagulls, squids, tuna, sharks and other creatures being swept up by the Category 5 hurricane as it raked across the Caribbean and bore down on the Florida peninsula.
A short time before Irma struck Florida, two men posted a Facebook event page encouraging Americans to shoot at the hurricane as a gesture of defiance, to “prove to Irma that we shoot first.” As many as 80,000 gun enthusiasts expressed interest in participating. That led the Sheriff’s Office to issue a stern warning: “DO NOT shoot weapons at Irma. You won’t make it turn around and it will have very dangerous side effects.”
SIGHTINGS of sharks and other fish blown aloft by Irma were widespread.
“I didn’t hear about the police telling folks not to shoot,” Wilderghast explained. “If I had, I would never have loaded Bessie and gone up on my roof. I just thought it was the patriotic thing to do.”
Wilderghast, a former rodeo trick-shooter, made the incredible shots with his Remington 700 AAC at about 300 yards, having a matter of seconds to account for factors such as wind speed and air currents. Killing the second shark was more difficult, because his line of sight was blocked by an airborne doghouse.
“I had to wait for just the right moment and shoot so the bullet ricocheted off a wok that was flying around and hit the shark in the brain,” he said.
FEMA official Larry Utell calls the incident highly unusual.
“I’ve seen some pretty fancy shooting in my day, but that takes the cake,” he marveled. “There are probably fewer than six men in the world who could have made that shot.”
Remarkably, Wilderghast isn’t the only gunslinger who used good old-fashioned American firepower to save lives during the hurricane. A Texas man on vacation in the British Virgin Islands used his six-shooter to kill three electric eels that were flung ashore by the massive storm.
DON’T try this at home: Shooting at a hurricane is highly risky, experts say.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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