Archive for the ‘satire’ Tag
STATUE of Civil War legend and KKK leader Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest escaped from warehouse where it was stored.
By. C. Michael Forsyth
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The statues of 13 Confederate war heroes have come alive to seek revenge on the living, according to horrified paranormal investigators.
At least eight deaths and 36 sword and cannon injuries have been attributed to the golem-like figures, since their removal from public parks and town squares. The victims have primarily been liberal activists who had pushed for the removal of the controversial monuments, but the take-no-prisoners statues mow down anyone who stands in their way. Even an ice cream vendor was trampled to death when he inadvertently blocked the path of the mounted statue of General Robert E. Lee as the frightening figure galloped down the sidewalk.
“These entities are very, very angry,” said psychic researcher Ted Luebeck. ” We’re asking for the public’s help in tracking the statues down before they do more harm.”
Community organizer Margaret Fisling fell victim to a 102-year-old statue of General Stonewall Jackson as she was erecting an “Impeach Donald Trump” lawn sign outside her Charlotte home. Her husband Keith watched in helpless horror as the marble menace bore down on the 45-year-old woman, sword waving.
“First, we heard the eerie sound of ‘Dixie’ whistling over the wind,” said Fisling. “When we looked up we saw the statue, which we recognized from protest marches, charging straight us. I dove behind our garden gnome, but Maggie couldn’t get out of the way in time. Gen. Jackson’s horse knocked her down, then after about 50 feet, he turned around. He pointed his saber, galloped forward at full speed and sliced off her head off. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
Authorities were initially skeptical of the far-fetched story, until police discovered horse tracks on the scene and residue consistent with pigeon droppings.
Since May, scores of monuments honoring Confederate generals, as well as Jefferson Davis and the judge who ruled in favor of slavery in the Dredd Scott decision, have been removed from cities in North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee and other states. While some have found new homes in museums, or as lawn ornaments for Civil War buffs, most have been shipped for temporary housing at warehouses. The 13 that sprang to life were all kept at the Old Times Warehouse and Antique Shop on the outskirts of Charlotte, according to investigator Luebeck.
REMOVAL of statues of Confederate greats like the beloved General Robert E. Lee has sparked a nationwide debate.
A statue of General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who became an organizer of the Klu Klux Klan after the war, was the first to go missing from the storage facility, on August 16.
“That morning, I was wheeling in the latest addition, some colonel who fought in the Battle of Bull Run, when I found the spot where the Forrest statue had been gathering dust for months was empty,” said warehouse employee Stan Beasby. “At first, we figured it had been stolen, but it was funny because that statue weighs over 3,500 pounds. Who would have thought these guys have been marching and riding straight out of here?”
Over the following several nights, the statues of other legendary soldiers went on the lam, as well as a bust of General P.G.T. Beauregard that’s believed to have hopped to freedom. Paranormal experts can’t explain how the statues, most chiseled out of solid stone or made of bronze, and have no joints, are moving about. However, they do have a theory about the supernatural mechanism that has animated them.
“The warehouse also holds old store mannequins, junk from amusement park haunted houses, and figures from a wax museum in New Orleans that shut down last year,” Luebeck revealed.
“Back in 1988, a group of college students carried out a ‘voodoo’ ceremony that briefly brought some of the wax figures alive for two days, including one of Lizzie Borden. There were several serious injuries before they were put down with a blowtorch. We believe it’s conceivable that the surviving wax figures somehow ‘infected’ the Confederate statues.”
STATUES rarely come to life outside of movies like the 1963 Ray Harryhausen classic “Jason and the Argonauts.”
While baffled police race to track down the missing monuments, dozens of self-proclaimed “monster hunters” have converged on the area to put a stop to the killing spree. But some proud southerners profess sympathy for the hard-charging symbols of the South. And they reject any connection between their idols and slavery or racism.
“It’s not a racial thing,” insisted Beau Castland of the organization Keep Your Yankee Hands Off Our Heritage. “The media doesn’t point this out, but only one of the victims was black. Four were white, two were Asian Americans and one was a visitor from Samoa.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
TRAGIC truck driver Sherman Oakshore, left, is looking more and more like actor Brad Pitt (right) with each passing day, and doctors are helpless to halt the disease process.
By. C. Michael Forsyth
Milwaukee truck driver Sherman Oakshore is bravely fighting a heartbreaking medical ailment that is gradually distorting his facial features – morphing him into a dead ringer for movie star Brad Pitt.
“It’s a nightmare,” declared anguished Sherman, 46. “My own mother no longer recognizes me, and my 2-year-old daughter runs away when I try to hug her. Angry women come up to me on the street and scold me for dumping Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie – and just as many fans of Angelina chew me out for divorcing her.”
Sherman first began to notice that his face was beginning to subtly change in 2011, spotting slight differences as he shaved. By 2015, his resemblance to the Ocean’s Eleven actor had become alarming. Baffled doctors aren’t sure what’s causing the terrifying cellular change, but some experts theorize that he suffers from Proteus Syndrome, a highly rare congenital disorder.
“The syndrome, which causes extreme changes in bone structure and tissue, is named after the Greek sea-god Proteus who could change his shape at will,” explained Dr. Hans Chudulski. “It’s believed that this is what caused the striking disfigurement of Joseph Merrick, better known as the Elephant Man.”
Only about 200 cases of the syndrome have ever been recorded, and just 120 people currently alive have been diagnosed with the condition.
“We’ve long suspected that there is a larger population of people with Proteus who remain undiagnosed because they suffer from a milder variation of the syndrome,” the expert revealed. “Perhaps a tiny subset, like Mr. Oakshore, actually become more attractive.”
HAPPIER DAYS: In this 2009 photo, Sherman Oakshore bears little resemblance to Brad Pit.
By 2015, symptoms of the bizarre disease were clearly evident.
Only two other cases exist in the medical literature in which a patient has transformed into a celebrity lookalike. In 1952, a Cleveland waitress came to resemble Greta Garbo, and in 1971, an Alabama sheriff’s deputy slowly turned into the spitting image of comedian Flip Wilson.
Actor Pitt has appeared in more than 60 films, including Thelma and Louise and World War Z. He received an Oscar nomination for his starring role in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which he plays a man who is born old and mysteriously ages in reverse. While many American males might relish the chance to step into the shoes of the ultra-handsome superstar, Sherman is miserable that his life has been turned upside down.
“I used to enjoy hanging out, throwing darts and drinking beer at the bar,” said the once-homely, squinty-eyed regular Joe. “Now I get teased something awful and bullied by toughs who’ll say something like ‘Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you show us some of those Fight Club moves?’
“My best friend tried to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am, because I could ‘pick up plenty of girls’ on account of how rich and famous Brad Pitt is. But I’m married with five kids.”
The trucker’s wife Clarice considers her hubby’s facial upgrade anything but a godsend.
“I just want my Sherman back,” she said, wiping away a tear. “What broke our hearts is when his own dog Happy growled and snapped at him. That German shepherd wouldn’t let Sherman through the front door until he sniffed his pants leg and recognized him by smell.
“If that’s not bad enough, we can’t go to the mall or the movies without some brazen tart in a miniskirt sidling up, asking for an autograph and saying, ‘I hear you’re back on the market.’”
Doctors are now racing for a cure, fearing that the damage may be irreversible and that the victim could be 100 percent Brad within a matter of months. But they admit the prognosis is poor.
“Mr. Oakshore must face the very real possibility that he will look like Brad Pitt for the rest of his life,” admitted Dr. Chudulski.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this whimsical yarn by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of odd news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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UPSIDE DOWN: According to the rules of alternate ethics, right and wrong are flip-flopped.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You’ve heard of “alternate facts” and “alternate science.” Now the most popular new buzz word in corporate America and politics is “alternate ethics.”
“Alternate ethics is a major game changer,” says consultant Gary Diplinskow, who teaches seminars on the subject at corporate retreats. “Using this dynamic management tool you can’t go wrong — literally. Under the old paradigm, to collude with a foreign power, take money under the table or lie under oath would be labeled ‘unethical.’ According to the new model, all that is more properly considered alternate ethical.”
The topsy-turvy trend began when top presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway introduced the concept of alternate facts — information that might be the opposite of the truth, yet is equally valid. Then, in March, Congress passed a law banning the EPA from considering much scientific proof of climate change, a move that many condemned as anti-science, but defenders call pro-alternate science.
“Alternate ethics is a natural extension of the principle that for everything, there is an equal and opposite version of that thing,” Diplinskow explains. “A practitioner deftly re-envisions ‘bad’ conduct as good conduct. It’s like turning a frown upside down.”
Alternate ethics significantly changes the language used in business and government to talk about what was once known as misconduct. Some examples of the new lingo:
Dumping toxic waste = Creating an environmental cleanup opportunity
Embezzlement = Asset self-appropriation
Treason = Loyalty realignment
False advertising = Elevating consumer expectations
Nepotism = Being a pro-family role model
Bribery = Generating a win-win scenario
Lying = Employing alternate facts
Safety violations = Creating a risk-friendly workplace
Union Busting = Enhancing the right to work
Stiffing creditors = Adjusting debt to zero
Insider trading = Maximizing value of exclusive access
Defrauding college students = Teaching millennials a life lesson
In classic “Star Trek” episode “Mirror Mirror,” Captain Kirk finds himself in an alternate universe where our morals are inverted.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.
The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.
Animal lovers have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.
“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”
As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.
“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”
There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:
Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.
Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.
Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.
Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.
Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.
“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”
The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.
“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”
Here are some samples from the photo array:
MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.
JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.
SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.
MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle converted to Islam in 1998.
MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.
MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.
SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.
AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.
MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.
CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.
Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.
SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”
SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.
ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.
Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”
MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.
PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.
SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.
ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.
JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.
ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were Lebanese.
MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.
CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.
GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”
SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.
WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.
ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”
TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”
INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.
INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.
IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.
INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.
MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”
INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.
MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.
SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.
ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.
ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.
ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz.
Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!
“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”
Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:
- Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
- Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
- Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
- Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
- Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
- Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
- Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.
A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.
- Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
- Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
- Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
- Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
- Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
- Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.
Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.
- Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
- A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
- Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
- Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
- Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”
We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Politician Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) is a master at delivering stirring eulogies in TV’s “House of Cards.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
A strict new Texas regulation requires that a woman who suffers a miscarriage have the fetus respectfully buried in a cemetery – even if the pregnancy lasted only a few days. The fetal funeral rule has created a quandary for many women and their family members, who aren’t sure how best to eulogize an embryo.
“It’s tough enough coming up with a eulogy for a relative you barely know,” said Jerry H., of Waco, whose sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. “It’s even harder when it’s for someone who never was even born and never did anything.”
The rule, which also permits cremation, was passed over fierce opposition from women’s rights advocates and doctors. It prevents the fetal remains –- often a collection of cells too small to see with the naked eye — from being treated as medical waste like an amputated limb.
“An embryo is a person too,” explained Hank Brutford of the conservative group, Get Government Off Our Backs.
Women who’ve been traumatized by miscarriage and rape victims who get abortions may just want to put the pregnancy behind them, Brutford admits, but he insists they’ll feel a “real sense of closure” after a funeral service and Christian burial.
Jerry H. did manage to cobble together a eulogy for the funeral, and he shared the touching remarks with us. He welcomes any other relative who’s stumped to borrow from it:
“What can I say about Baby X? His, or possibly her, time with us was so short. But I can tell you this: Baby X never said an unkind word about another human being. Never acted out of anger or malice. And how many of us can say that about ourselves? Not very many, I can tell you. A funny little annecdote about Baby X. Baby X’s mom, I’m sure you remember this. You were on the buffet line at Golden Corral, and suddenly you had to rush to the bathroom and throw up. Becky had to hold your hair up to keep it from falling in the toilet. Not the first time, right Becky? We all know how you two used to party! That was how Baby X announced, ‘Here I am!’ Good times… Well, I could go on and on, but I’m sure the padre has other funerals to conduct. So I’d like to recite the lyrics of a song by Eric Clapton that I think says it all, if you don’t mind. Where are my glasses? Okay, here goes.
“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
“Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
“Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.
“Thank you. Baby X, we’ll miss you buddy.”
Few embryos can list many accomplishments in their first week of life.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
“Hamilton” actors ruffled the feathers of Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY — To safeguard the delicate feelings of conservative politicians, theater groups are now prefacing plays with “trigger warnings” if there are themes involving social justice.
The precautions are being taken out of concern that leaders may suffer serious emotional harm – or even a full-blown panic attack — if exposed to controversial subjects such as freedom of speech, race relations, poverty, or gay rights.
“The last thing you’d want to see is the Attorney General fleeing up the aisle wild-eyed and gasping for breath midway through a stage production of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’” explained veteran Broadway stage manager Diane Lentowsky. “Everyone understands why panic in a crowded theater is dangerous. And even grunts of discomfort or audible sobbing can distract the performers and fellow theater goers.”
The move was sparked when cast members of the hit Broadway show “Hamilton” told incoming Vice President Mike Pence during their curtain call that they were concerned that the new administration might not protect the rights of Americans and hoped “this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and work on behalf of all of us.”
President-Elect Donald Trump, furious that the incident might have embarrassed and upset the new Veep, went on Twitter to demand an apology.
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place,” Trump tweeted. “The cast of ‘Hamilton’ was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!”
Chastened theater companies took his words to heart.
“Mr. Trump is 100 % right,” acknowledged Lentowsky. “The theater is supposed to be a safe space, where an audience member’s personal values are never challenged and they aren’t exposed to ideas that make them uncomfortable, or god forbid trigger some kind of emotional collapse.
“You wouldn’t, for example, want a congressman who’s just passed a transgender bathroom bill be subjected to ‘Angels in America,’ the marathon seven-hour play about gays and AIDS!”
Political subtext of “The Crucible” might rattle some officials.
The warnings, printed on playbills or made in verbal announcements just before the curtains rise, give politicians a chance to make a hasty exit. Some theaters are posting the warnings on websites where tickets are sold, so officials can avoid attending offensive plays in the first place.
There won’t be trigger warnings before all plays. Some, like a revival of the beloved musical “The Music Man” would be deemed safe after a careful review of all the dialogue. But a play like “The World of Suzy Wong,” about an interracial relationship, or “The Crucible,” seen as an allegory for the anti-communist witch-hunts of the 1950s, would be proceeded by a heads up.
“We’ll be putting on ‘The Sound of Music,’ which might seem innocuous, but we plan to post a trigger warning just in case, because in it the Von Trapp family must flee a totalitarian government,” Lentowsky said.
“The Sound of Music” might seem harmless, but the singing family’s run-in with the Nazis could have a triggering effect.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Sam ( Jared Padalecki) and his brother frequently battle evil clowns on TV’s “Supernatural.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
GREENVILLE, S.C. — Looking for a career with a bright future? Thanks to the recent surge in evil clown sightings, clown hunter is now one of the nation’s top 10 fastest growing occupations!
“There isn’t much call for vampire hunters these days, because blood drinkers have been virtually driven to extinction,” says industry analyst Maryanne Holtsgood. “But this year we’ve seen a tremendous uptick in the demand for clown hunters.”
Since August, the U.S. has been plagued by sightings of sinister clowns, some of whom try to lure children into the woods. Bewildered law enforcement officials have been unable to keep pace with the epidemic, and so communities have sought the help of hired guns, shelling out as much as $45,000 a pop to rid their town of a rubber-nose-wearing menace.
“A bounty hunter will walk into a mayor’s office toting a rainbow-colored wig ‘scalp’ and walk out with a suitcase stuffed with cash,” Holtsgood reveals. “It can be an incredibly lucrative career. Some are going into it full time, for others it’s a sideline, like being an Uber driver.”
But clown hunting is no barrel of laughs. Experts say it’s dangerous work that has already cost many overconfident wannabes their lives.
“Some good ol’ boy with an AR-15 and a couple of survival knives will decide to call himself a clown hunter, figuring, ‘How hard can it be to take down a clown?’ “ says veteran clown hunter Butch ‘ The Hammer‘ Kencaid. “He’ll go out there totally unprepared and end up with a face full of acid from a flower in a clown’s lapel, fatally stomped by oversized shoes or mowed down by a clown car.”
NO LAUGHING MATTER: Evil clowns like Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” are running amok across America.
In many ways, clown hunting is more challenging than more traditional professions such as vampire hunting, demon hunting and witch hunting. That’s because there are many different types of evil clowns and each type must be battled with different techniques and weapons.
“One might be a demonic entity, the next the ghost of a trampled rodeo clown, another a disguised extraterrestrial, and yet another a homicidal maniac,” explains Greenville-based Kencaid. “And because others may just be high-spirited college kids pulling a prank, you can’t shoot first and ask questions after.”
Among the weapons an experienced clown hunter takes into the field are a shotgun loaded with rock salt, silver throwing knives and a water pistol loaded with holy water. But more important than the right weapons is the right training. Familiarity with specialized fight moves such as the “eyeball poke block” and the “cream pie duck,” both inspired by the Three Stooges, is essential.
In the past few months, two clown hunting academies have cropped up, one on the west coast, the other in Minnesota. Next year, several community colleges plan to offer certificate programs in clown hunting. Kencaid advise novices to apprentice under an experienced hunter for at least three months before taking on a solo gig.
“If you go after a clown unprepared, the joke will be on you,” he warns.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If this made you chuckle, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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