I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.
The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.
Animal lovers have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.
“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”
As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.
“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”
There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:
Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.
Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.
Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.
Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.
Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!
“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.
“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”
Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.
“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”
A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.
“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”
When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.
“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”
Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.
“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”
Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.
Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:
It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.
“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Move over, Muslims! Descendants of Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower are demanding that the government create a registry of every last one of them now living in the U.S.
“With all due respect to Muslim Americans, our group has had far more cultural impact on the United States,” declared Millicent Standish-Billingsley, coordinator of the Pilgrim Registry Action Committee.
Tens of millions of Americans have at least one ancestor who was among the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in 1620 at what is now Plymouth, Mass. An organization called the General Society of Mayflower Descendants lists a small fraction of those bluebloods. To be included, people had to submit proof of their lineage to a historian for verification.
Said Standish-Billingsley, “Using DNA testing, it would be possible to create a comprehensive list of every single American descended from that group of plucky settlers. They have a right to know about their wonderful heritage.”
The push for a Pilgrim Registry began late last year, after then-candidate Donald Trump vowed to implement a Muslim registry if elected. Since then, many other groups have been clamoring for attention, including folks with Irish ancestry, Armenian-Americans, dwarfs and even mimes, all insisting that they also deserve special recognition.
THANKGIVING: A time when Pilgrims and Indians put aside their differences.
Unfortunately, the high cost of creating the proposed Pilgrim Registry — estimated at close to $60 million — may torpedo the plan.
“It’s an admirable goal, but at time when the national debt is rising, it’s very hard to justify the expense,” said an insider on the Trump transition team.
The following are the names of 29 adult Mayflower passengers known to have descendants. If you share a last name with one of them, you may deserve a place on the registry.
• Thomas Rogers
• Henry Samson
• George Soule
• Myles Standish
• John Tilley
• Joan (née Hurst) Tilley
• Richard Warren
• William White
• Edward Winslow
• John Alden
• Priscilla Alden (née Mullins)
• Isaac Allerton
• Mary (née Norris) Allerton
• John Billington
• William Bradford
• Love Brewster
• William Brewster
• Peter Browne
• James Chilton
• Francis Cooke
• Edward Doty
• Francis Eaton
• Moses Fletcher
• Edward Fuller
• Samuel Fuller
• Stephen Hopkins
• Elizabeth (née Fisher) Hopkins
• John Howland
• Richard More
• William Mullins
• Degory Priest
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.
“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.
“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”
In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.
Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.
Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:
If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.
If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.
If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.
No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.
If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.
A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.
Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.
If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.
If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.
No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.
The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.
“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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GREENVILLE, S.C. — Looking for a career with a bright future? Thanks to the recent surge in evil clown sightings, clown hunter is now one of the nation’s top 10 fastest growing occupations!
“There isn’t much call for vampire hunters these days, because blood drinkers have been virtually driven to extinction,” says industry analyst Maryanne Holtsgood. “But this year we’ve seen a tremendous uptick in the demand for clown hunters.”
Since August, the U.S. has been plagued by sightings of sinister clowns, some of whom try to lure children into the woods. Bewildered law enforcement officials have been unable to keep pace with the epidemic, and so communities have sought the help of hired guns, shelling out as much as $45,000 a pop to rid their town of a rubber-nose-wearing menace.
“A bounty hunter will walk into a mayor’s office toting a rainbow-colored wig ‘scalp’ and walk out with a suitcase stuffed with cash,” Holtsgood reveals. “It can be an incredibly lucrative career. Some are going into it full time, for others it’s a sideline, like being an Uber driver.”
But clown hunting is no barrel of laughs. Experts say it’s dangerous work that has already cost many overconfident wannabes their lives.
“Some good ol’ boy with an AR-15 and a couple of survival knives will decide to call himself a clown hunter, figuring, ‘How hard can it be to take down a clown?’ “ says veteran clown hunter Butch ‘ The Hammer‘ Kencaid. “He’ll go out there totally unprepared and end up with a face full of acid from a flower in a clown’s lapel, fatally stomped by oversized shoes or mowed down by a clown car.”
NO LAUGHING MATTER: Evil clowns like Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” are running amok across America.
In many ways, clown hunting is more challenging than more traditional professions such as vampire hunting, demon hunting and witch hunting. That’s because there are many different types of evil clowns and each type must be battled with different techniques and weapons.
“One might be a demonic entity, the next the ghost of a trampled rodeo clown, another a disguised extraterrestrial, and yet another a homicidal maniac,” explains Greenville-based Kencaid. “And because others may just be high-spirited college kids pulling a prank, you can’t shoot first and ask questions after.”
Among the weapons an experienced clown hunter takes into the field are a shotgun loaded with rock salt, silver throwing knives and a water pistol loaded with holy water. But more important than the right weapons is the right training. Familiarity with specialized fight moves such as the “eyeball poke block” and the “cream pie duck,” both inspired by the Three Stooges, is essential.
In the past few months, two clown hunting academies have cropped up, one on the west coast, the other in Minnesota. Next year, several community colleges plan to offer certificate programs in clown hunting. Kencaid advise novices to apprentice under an experienced hunter for at least three months before taking on a solo gig.
“If you go after a clown unprepared, the joke will be on you,” he warns.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.
“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”
Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”
“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”
MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.
Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.
For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.
“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”
The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.
“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”
The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges across the country.
“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!
Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.
“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”
Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.
“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities. “We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: Six-legged deer is one of many animal mutants spawned by radioactive fallout from Chernobyl.
The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.
Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.
“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”
Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.
TRAGIC: This boy’s mom was exposed to Chernobyl radiation, resulting in a harmful genetic mutation.
“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.
“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”
However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on
“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”
RUTHLESS Russian ruler Vladimir Putin is bent on world domination — and may be out of his mind, U.S. intelligence officials fear.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Editor’s note: We apologize if this news satire seems in questionable taste (to put it mildly) given Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. At the time it was originally published several years ago, we didn’t know just how much of a bloodthirsty madman Putin really is. Chernobyl had been on no one’s mind for years and the notion of the strongman rounding people up seemed comically farfetched).
But if you enjoyed this creative mix of horror and black humor by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you’ll love his graphic novel Night Cage,
A spine-tingling and steamy tale about vampires taking over a women’s prison. (Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Caged Heat).
BOTTOMS UP? Would YOU have the guts to guzzle Dracula blood from this bottle?
In what critics have branded “the most reckless scientific undertaking in half a century,” three maverick researchers are preparing to drink the blood of Vlad the Impaler – the historical Dracula.
If all goes well, the trio will prove once and for all that Vlad was no vampire – but if it fails, experts fear the trio could become vampires themselves.
“This so-called experiment is shockingly arrogant and foolhardy,” blasts Romanian folklorist Costica Popescu. “The risk is not only to them. They could unleash a vampire plague that sweeps through the entire region in a matter of weeks.”
But German researchers Albrecht Holtzmann, 54. Leopold Koertig, 44, and Johanna Eichelberger, 37, insist that nothing could go wrong.
“We are taking every conceivable precaution,” Holtzmann assured reporters. “We will be properly restrained and security staff will be on hand, equipped with crucifixes and holy water in the unlikely event that something extraordinary occurs.
“If we’re right, we’ll prove to the world that Dracula was not a vampire, clearing his name. But if we’re wrong, the scientific community will have a unique opportunity to examine these mysterious, marvelous creatures the world knows as vampires.”
The strange scientific saga began in 2002 when a small bottle sealed with wax and labeled “Blood of Vlad Dracul-a of Wallachia” was discovered beneath the ruins of a deconsecrated church in Romania. The site – just 35 miles from Castle Poenari, the legendary stronghold of the 15th century warlord — was being excavated by archaeologists. DNA tests conducted on the contents in 2018 and compared to living descendants of Prince Vlad found an 87% chance the blood was indeed that of the notoriously brutal ruler.
“It was all very puzzling,” explains science writer Hans Fruehaul. “The vast majority of historians say that Vlad, while widely described as ‘bloodthirsty’ in texts from his time, did not literally drink blood. It is generally believed that Bram Stoker, the author of the famous novel Dracula, merely borrowed the name and background of the historical figure for his book. But there are a handful of experts who disagree, insisting that Prince Vlad was a bona fide vampire. And the fact that the bottle of his blood was found at a site known to be a gathering place for devil-worshippers in the late Middle Ages did give some credence to that assertion.”
BLOODTHIRSTY 15th century warlord Vlad the Impaler.
Controversy arose when the German lab where the genetic testing was conducted refused to return the blood, instead transferring it to a vial where it has remained stored in a refrigerated compartment for the past seven years. When Holtzmann, the lab’s director, announced on October 17 his team’s plan to sip the blood, he was met with a firestorm of criticism. There have even been calls for the government to put an evacuation plan in place for the area in the event that things go awry.
But the researchers have adopted a lighthearted — some say frivolous — attitude to the risky venture. They plan to take sips of the blood exactly on midnight on December 1, believed to be the anniversary of Vlad’s birth.
Said Holtzmann, “We will either open our eyes normal and pop open a bottle of champagne, or awake as new beings with remarkable powers and characteristics to discover.”
RESEARCHERS plan to take the title of this Christopher Lee movie literally.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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