WASHINGTON — You can live like a king, even if you don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of — by tricking your brain into thinking you’re rich!
“Poverty is just a state of mind, as Dr. Ben Carson recently said,” according to Revis Washington, author of the upcoming book, Think Yourself Rich. “A medieval peasant who had all the things a ‘poor’ American has today, like indoor plumbing, would feel that he was on top of the world. And imagine how a Neanderthal man would react to a simple potato chip sandwich or a cozy cardboard shelter. It’s all relative. The government doesn’t need anti-poverty programs. The mind is a far more powerful tool.”
A few easily learned mental tricks that Washington calls “mind jujitsu” are all you need to be wealthy inside your head.
“You’re essentially brainwashing yourself out of poverty,” the author explained.
Here, from the expert, are five great Jedi-like mind moves you can use to achieve instant mental wealth:
REINVENT YOUR DINING EXPERIENCE – When you are eating cold scrambled eggs and government cheese, close your eyes and visualize fine beluga caviar and gourmet brie.
REDEFINE YOUR SURROUNDINGS — A rat is only a “rat” if you choose to see it as one. In your mind, transform your scampering house guests into playful squirrels.
RECONCEPTUALIZE TRANSPORTATION — Don’t think “We’re living in our car.” Tell your brain that you and your five children are on a fun road trip through the south of France.
RETHINK FASHION — Pretend those ripped and threadbare clothes are the latest chic look in Europe. Picture a skeletal model sporting your duds on a runway in Milan.
REJECT MODERN MEDICINE — Instead of fretting about not being able to afford antibiotics for your family, imagine that you are trying to beef up your immune systems the natural way.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.
The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.
Animal lovers have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.
“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”
As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.
“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”
There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:
Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.
Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.
Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.
Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.
Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.
“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”
The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.
“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”
Here are some samples from the photo array:
MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.
JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.
SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.
MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle converted to Islam in 1998.
MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.
MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.
SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.
AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.
MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.
CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.
Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.
SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”
SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.
ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.
Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”
MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.
PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.
SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.
ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.
JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.
ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were Lebanese.
MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.
CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.
GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”
SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.
WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.
ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”
TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”
INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.
INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.
IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.
INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.
MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”
INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.
MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.
SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.
ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.
ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.
ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz.
Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!
“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”
Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:
Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.
A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.
Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.
Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.
Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”
We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.
“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”
Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”
“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”
MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.
Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.
For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.
“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”
The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.
“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”
The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges across the country.
“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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NEW YORK — Psychiatrists have identified a bizarre mental disorder that causes people to believe they’re NOT being watched and monitored by the government.
Victims of the syndrome – known as Surveillance Denial Disorder– suffer from the delusion that their emails, Internet searches, texts and phone calls are completely private. And they refuse to acknowledge the hundreds of pubic cameras capturing their every move.
“This goes far beyond normal naivety,” explains Dr. Byron Virolosky, a leading psychiatrist. “It is as if these individuals believe they are invisible to the government. When confronted with concrete evidence that someone is always watching them, they will make irrational statements such as ‘That’s ridiculous, we live in America’ or “This is a free country.’”
Roger H., 45, a fiction writer, first began exhibiting symptoms of the peculiar condition in February 2015.
“The patient’s wife reports that one morning he did a Google search for ‘cross-country skiing,’ and an hour later, noticed that ads for cross-country skis started popping up on his Facebook page. He told her, ‘Wasn’t that an odd coincidence?’ At first she thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.”
Over the succeeding months, the father of two showed increasingly disturbing signs that he couldn’t perceive even the most blatant signs of corporate and government spying.
The straw that broke the camel’s came last August, when the author was researching a spy novel — and conducted an Internet search with the keywords “How Build Dirty Bomb.” His wife asked him if he wasn’t worried that the peculiar search might cause government agents to suspect he was a terrorist.
“Roger looked at her with a puzzled expression, and asked, ‘How would anyone know?’” revealed the expert.
That’s when Roger’s wife knew she had to get him the professional help he so desperately needed.
“She realized his behavior was putting himself and the family at risk,” the psychiatric noted. “What if the search had triggered an armed Homeland Security raid on the house?”
CAMERAS in public locations help ensure public safety.
Fortunately the mental illness responds to a cocktail of psychiatric drugs, combined with weekly therapy sessions.
“Roger is thinking much more clearly now, he’s returned to reality,” the shrink said.
Exoerts say the condition is similar to pronoia, or reverse-paranoia, in which patients believe everyone in the world is conspiring to make their lives better.
“In both cases, people see the world through rose-colored glasses,” Dr. Virolosky said.
MANY years ago, believing you were being watched by government agents was considered a sign of insanity. Now it’s just the reverse!
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy one of his novels, such as The Identity Thief.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
BRASOV, Romania – In a brazen midnight raid, scores of vampires overran the Pleasant Valley Naturist Resort and feasted on the blood of the helpless, naked residents!
According to European wire services, the savage, well-coordinated attack left 14 people dead and dozens more in critical condition.
“Eight of us were soaking in the hot tub, when these vicious, hissing creatures came crashing through the window,” shaken survivor Andrei Grigorescu, 52, was quoted as saying. “They dragged the other bathers out kicking and screaming and sank their fangs into them. I was spared only because I weigh 340 pounds and was a bit too heavy for them to lift.”
Massage therapist Madalina Albescu, 23, required an emergency transfusion of 8 pints of blood, as well as treatment for 11 bite wounds on her neck, legs, breasts and buttocks.
“It was absolutely horrifying,” she said. “Two of them chased me across the volleyball court and tackled me like a pair of linebackers. They sucked my blood until I passed out. The doctors told me I was drained nearly dry.”
The nudist colony, in operation since 1973, sits at the foothills of the Faragas Mountains. Authorities had long suspected that the gloomy hill country harbored a nest of vampires and had even posted warning signs to that effect along the winding roads. But until the terrifying blitz, few at the resort paid any heed to the words of caution. Now police say it is likely that vampire scouts conducted surveillance missions in the weeks preceding the raid.
“My wife and some of the other ladies reported that sometimes they sensed that they were being watched, but we just attributed it to lads from the local high school,” revealed Claudiu Dumitrescu, the 61-year-old director of the bottom-baring establishment.
Despite the horrific nature of the tragedy, some residents of the conservative, deeply religious community near the resort show surprisingly little sympathy for the victims. They claim that the nudists’ freewheeling “hedonistic” lifestyle and lack of commonsense safety gear such as crucifixes and high collars made them easy targets for the bloodsuckers.
“Perhaps now they will confine their shameful display of their naked bodies to nude beaches – where there is plenty of sunlight,” said one elderly villager, who asked that her name not be used.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved.
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If you enjoyed this mind-bending supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new project…
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the graphic novel NIGHT CAGE, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
Vampires take over a women’s prison in the spooky, steamy graphic novel Night Cage, Volume 2
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
BOSTON — The Panties of Peril, universally ranked the world’s most lethal paranormal object, have claimed the lives of eight women – and one man – who were foolish enough to put them on. All perished in bizarre freak accidents. But the dreaded drawers may have finally met their match. America’s toughest exorcist, the Reverend Jim Bookley, has vowed to rid the evil undies of the demonic entity that has possessed them.
“Either those panties are going down, or I’m going down,” declared the 54-year-old demon hunter.
The history of the Panties of Peril is well documented. But Rev. Bookley has an equally impressive track record. Among the many feathers in his cap, he cast out from a possessed German nun the infamous Legion, the only demon to go toe to toe with Jesus in the Holy Bible and live to tell the tale. After a fierce eight-day battle, he successfully exorcised a donkey that had run amok in Palermo, Italy. In 2011, the clergyman was voted Exorcist of the Year, after driving the demon Asmodeus from the body of 24-year-old Brooklyn meter maid Gina Spimacelli and sending him running off with his barbed tail between his legs.
And Rev. Bookley is coming to this new spiritual showdown loaded for bear. Included in his arsenal, along with usual implements such as holy water, Bibles and crucifixes, are:
• The Holy Collar of Antioch. Once placed on the neck of a possessed person, it renders the demon plaguing them powerless.
• The personal Bible of Pope John Paul II.
• The Chains of St. Augustine. Made of pure silver, they can supposedly bind any demon.
• The boxing gloves of Father McMurphy, once wielded by the famed Irish cleric and demon hunter.
“And it goes without saying I’ll be packing my sawed off shotgun,” he said, patting the trusty firearm.
CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie “The Last Exorcism.”
The Panties of Peril are currently in the possession of Boston millionaire Laurence Viskerbloom III, who purchased them last July at auction for a reported $650,000 from an unidentified dealer — although their legal ownership is in dispute. Experts say they were stolen in 2013 from the vault of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, where they were kept under lock and key in a titanium vault.
Authorities believe the culprit was transvestite performer Frank Yinsley, better known as Lady Charlize, who was later found dead in his apartment while wearing the panties. He’d succumbed to the bite of a rabid bat after chasing it with a broom, and breaking a chandelier, investigators determined. The panties vanished from a police evidence room two weeks later.
Viskerbloom purchased the panties for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult who believed they could endow her with rare magical powers. Instead, tragically, she was electrocuted when the candles she’d lit for a special ceremony caught her robes on fire. The panties, eerily, were untouched by the blaze.
“Those panties took my Bethany,” Viskerbloom told reporters. “Whatever it is that’s haunting them has to be destroyed.”
DON’T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.
Researchers at the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research have tracked the innocuous-looking pink panties to a sweatshop outside Denpaser, Indonesia. They believe they are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a factory worker who was killed along with 90 others when the building collapsed.
“The worker was a practitioner of kulam, a sinister, voodoo-like form of black magic so dangerous it’s been outlawed by the Indonesian government,” revealed the Institute’s director Dr. Dan Greavesby.
His organization is suing for the return of the panties. And he’s appealing to Rev. Bookley to call off the exorcism, scheduled for next month.
“These are incredibly powerful forces at work here, almost beyond human comprehension,” the expert warns. “To take them on before we’ve had a chance to fully study them is foolhardy.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in “The Hunger Games.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a “security state” fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!
“Every simulation we’ve run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19,” revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
“Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they’re a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They’re expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults.”
The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.
“We’re not talking about ‘rounding up’ anyone at this time,” the insider assured the public. “We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we’re working so hard to construct.”
PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in “Insurgent.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novelThe Blood of Titans.
“The Blood of Titans” is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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