CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? Contrary to this scene in the hit movie “Underworld,” vampires and werewolves actually love each other.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CHIGAGO – Forget what you’ve seen in Hollywood horror flicks like “Underworld.” Vampires and werewolves get on famously — and the friendly relationship dates back many centuries, according to top experts in the field.
“Many of my closest pals are werewolves,” reveals Charles Vinowinski, a self-proclaimed Chicago vampire who says he’s 128 years old, but looks a spry 60. “We go bowling together, hang out and visit each other’s homes to play board games on Saturday nights.”
The chummy relationship between the two species is a far cry from the “Underworld” series, which depicts a war that’s been waged for eons.
“The vampire-werewolf alliance can be traced at least as far back as ancient Rome,” asserts folklorist Dr. Hans Reintenhauser of the Berlin Institute for the Study of Unusual Phenomenon.
“During the dark ages, vampires and werewolves were known to hunt together and operate in pairs. During the day, while in human form, the lycanthrope would protect the sleeping vampire from those who would do him or her harm.
“Because in those days both species were persecuted by ordinary people, they needed to work hand in hand for the sake of their own survival.” Such “odd couples” still exist in modern times, according to the expert, author of the upcoming book Friends Forever: The Untold Story of the Vampire-Werewolf Kinship.
“Yes there is sometimes rivalry between the two, which are so different in their temperaments; some good-natured ribbing and occasional bickering,” says Dr. Reintenhauser. “But it’s like something you’d see in a buddy movie like ‘Rush Hour’ or between The Rock and Ryan Reynolds in that new movie ‘Red Notice.’ Deep down, there is an abundance of love and respect.”
Since both vampires and werewolves are believed to be immortal – barring a run-in with the business end of a sharpened stake or silver bullet – “buddy” pairs develop an incredibly strong bond over the centuries.
“Imagine a comedy duo like Abbot and Costello, who’ve worked together so long they can anticipate each other’s every thought, can finish each others’ sentences and have impeccable timing,” explains the researcher. “Now imagine that kind of link strengthening over the course of a thousand or more years.”
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello played inseparable pals on screen
Wolfman Henry Yerbrough, 241, has such a close-knit bond with his longtime associate Jean-Claude Dujardane, whom he claims he met in a field hospital during the War of 1812.
“Jean-Claude and I are like brothers,” smiles Yerbrough, of Milwaukee. “He was the best man at my wedding and I’m the godfather of his three kids. When we travel, we share a hotel room and once a year we go fishing together in the mountains.
“A lot of people assume we’re gay, especially since I work in a hair salon,” he adds with a chuckle. “But trust me, I love women as much as the next guy.”
Brooklyn native Ed Neidorf Jr., who is comparatively young as vampires go, at age 78, says he can only remember a single violent encounter with werewolves.
“This was in the early 1950s and there was a ‘rumble’ between a couple of rival vampire and werewolf gangs,” recalls the plumbing contactor, who still sports jet-black hair. “No one was killed, but there were some minor injuries. I remember some pretty nasty epithets being hurled at me, like ‘bloodsucker’ and “leech.’
“We were all just young and stupid then.”
When vampires and lycanthropes see movies like “Underworld” and “Twilight Saga: New Moon,” which also portrays the two groups as age-old enemies, it makes their blood boil.
“Hollywood makes it look as if we fight like cats and dogs,” fumes Vinowinski, a house inspector. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth. All rights reserved
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THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
In the two-part graphic novel NIGHT CAGE, vampires overrun a women’s prison–and to escape, four surviving inmates must fight their way through an army of the undead. Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Orange is the New Black.
CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending article by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Susanne Dubhthach says the happiest day of her life came when she married a real-life leprechaun in 2013. But her dream wedding has turned into a nightmare thanks to her meddling in-laws who believe she’s a “gold digger.”
“They think I just married Gwrtheyrn to get my hands on his pot of gold,” Susanne told a Belfast newspaper tearfully. “But that’s not true. I love him with all my heart – and those two little monsters are doing everything in their power to drive a wedge between us.”
Susanne, 26, charges that mother-in-law Genovefa Dubhthach and her husband Corraidhin have pulled every trick in the book to torpedo her marriage, including:
* Tossing the traditional meal she’d prepared for a major festival in the garbage because it had “too many turnips. “
* Calling her a “barren wench” in front of a cottage-full of relatives for failing to produce grandchildren in four years of marriage.
* Stranding her for hours in a deep wood said to be inhabited by banshees.
* Using “the olde magyck” to turn her once porcelain-white skin an ugly beet red.
“I spent two days in the kitchen preparing that dish of rumbledethumps for the Grand Feast,” Susanne recalled. “When Genovefa tasted it, gave a look of disgust and threw it in the trash, it brought me to tears. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
SKEPTICAL of banks, many leprechauns still prefer to store their wealth in containers of gold known as crocks.
As late as 1957, leprechauns were widely believed to be merely mythological creatures. But that year, anthropologists stumbled across a small population of the clannish, reclusive folks in a clutch of hamlets in Tipperary County. Experts believe the diminutive humans with distinctive pointy ears are descendants of the pint-sized inhabitants of the British Isles who dwelled there before the coming of the Celts in the fifth century B.C. Remarkably, many less-well-educated Americans still believe leprechauns are purely fictional. In a 2014 survey, a whopping 66 percent of Americans with a high school diploma or less agreed with the statement, “Leprechauns do not exist.”
“Leprechauns prefer to be known as ‘The Lurigadawne,’” reveals reporter Colin O’Meadley, who interviewed the Dubhthaches. “They rarely wear green and they’re not too fond of the way their kind have been exploited by the tourist industry.”
Gwrtheyrn, 34, and his family operate a successful shoe-making business. He met attractive, redhead Susanne when she was working as a barmaid on the outskirts of the county, which leprechauns still call by its ancient name, Contae Thiobraid Árann.
“He came in for a pint, we talked and hit it off immediately,” Susanne recalled.
But when the pair began dating, Gwrtheyrn’s protective mom tried to put a kibosh on the relationship.
“She immediately ran credit and criminal background checks on me,” Susanne said. “She spent hours grilling me about my ‘intentions.’ That woman as much as accused me of being a hussy who only was interested in a man two feet shorter than me because he has this huge ‘crock of gold’ somewhere.”
The marriage ceremony held by a pond in Fairie Wood in May 14, 2013 was like something out of a fairytale.
“We stood barefoot as a white witch tied our wrists together with a silver sash,” Susanne remembered wistfully. “I wore a garland in my hair and a band played traditional leprechaun music with pipes and drums.”
But since then, Susanne says nothing she does ever pleases her demanding mother-in-law. Mrs. Dubhthach insists her daughter-in-law is making a mountain out of a molehill.
“First of all, I think it shows how little Susanne has bothered to learn about our culture that she would suggest all leprechauns use ‘magic,’” she said. “If you have fair skin, red hair and decide to sunbathe in a skimpy swimsuit on the meadow where all the neighbors can see, of course you’re going to turn red.
“I’ve done everything possible to welcome Susanne into our home, despite her background, and one would think she would appreciate that.”
For his part, Gwrtheyrn only wants peace under his roof.
“I just want Susanne and my mother to get along,” he told the reporter.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you enjoyed this whimsical tale by C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his blackly funny thriller The Identity Thief.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
Troubled Michael (Quinton Aaron) finds his life turned around by his white savior played by Sandra Bullock in the hit movie The Blind Side.
By C. Michael Forsyth
ATLANTA — Every black person has their own personal white savior, a flesh and blood “guardian angel” whose mission is to watch over them and help them achieve their goals.
That’s the surprising claim of the Reverend Tyrone Hugston, a theologian and author of the upcoming book, Finding your White Savior.
“It’s important to know how to recognize your white savior and accept their guidance,” he says. “This special guardian may take any form – an inner city school teacher, a caring coach, a journalist, a wealthy adoptive parent, even a law officer. Yes, it’s theoretically possible to achieve your dreams without the
help of your white savior, but the path is a whole lot easier if you turn your life over to them.”
The white savior, although a normal human being, is sent by God, according to the minister.
“The Almighty was terribly upset by slavery,” he explains. “When it ended, He decided that to heal those who had suffered so much, to every black child born, a white child would be assigned to look after them.”
White saviors often do not consciously know that they are mystically linked to their wards.
“They simply find themselves inexplicably drawn to the place where their counterpart is – whether it is a ghetto or an isolated rural town,” says Rev. Hugston. “They are driven to aid their often helpless and confused black charge.”
Here, according to the clergyman, are 7 ways you can recognize your white savior.
1. The person doesn’t appear to “fit in.” He or she might be the only white teacher in a school, for example.
2. The person seems to radiate love for black people.
3. The person almost magically sees solutions you’ve never thought of before.
4. You sense a child-parent bond developing with the person
5. The person never gives up on you – even when you give up on yourself.
6. Other black people – to whom the white savior was not sent to guide – express hostility to the person.
7. You feel an instinctive resentment toward the person for “butting in,” a feeling that gradually changes into love and admiration.
“If you have difficulty identifying your personal savior and find yourself asking in frustration, ‘Where is my white savior?’ don’t give up,” Rev. Hugston advises. “If you are truly incapable, your savior will save the day by finding you.”
MANY black people are helpless failures until they’re rescued by a white savior like the angelic inner-city teacher played by Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this story by the writer, C. Michael Forsyth, you might enjoy his novelThe Identity Thief.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
BOSTON — The Panties of Peril, universally ranked the world’s most lethal paranormal object, have claimed the lives of eight women – and one man – who were foolish enough to put them on. All perished in bizarre freak accidents. But the dreaded drawers may have finally met their match. America’s toughest exorcist, the Reverend Jim Bookley, has vowed to rid the evil undies of the demonic entity that has possessed them.
“Either those panties are going down, or I’m going down,” declared the 54-year-old demon hunter.
The history of the Panties of Peril is well documented. But Rev. Bookley has an equally impressive track record. Among the many feathers in his cap, he cast out from a possessed German nun the infamous Legion, the only demon to go toe to toe with Jesus in the Holy Bible and live to tell the tale. After a fierce eight-day battle, he successfully exorcised a donkey that had run amok in Palermo, Italy. In 2011, the clergyman was voted Exorcist of the Year, after driving the demon Asmodeus from the body of 24-year-old Brooklyn meter maid Gina Spimacelli and sending him running off with his barbed tail between his legs.
And Rev. Bookley is coming to this new spiritual showdown loaded for bear. Included in his arsenal, along with usual implements such as holy water, Bibles and crucifixes, are:
• The Holy Collar of Antioch. Once placed on the neck of a possessed person, it renders the demon plaguing them powerless.
• The personal Bible of Pope John Paul II.
• The Chains of St. Augustine. Made of pure silver, they can supposedly bind any demon.
• The boxing gloves of Father McMurphy, once wielded by the famed Irish cleric and demon hunter.
“And it goes without saying I’ll be packing my sawed off shotgun,” he said, patting the trusty firearm.
CLERGYMEN turn to exorcism only as a last resort, as in this scene from the movie “The Last Exorcism.”
The Panties of Peril are currently in the possession of Boston millionaire Laurence Viskerbloom III, who purchased them last July at auction for a reported $650,000 from an unidentified dealer — although their legal ownership is in dispute. Experts say they were stolen in 2013 from the vault of the New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research, where they were kept under lock and key in a titanium vault.
Authorities believe the culprit was transvestite performer Frank Yinsley, better known as Lady Charlize, who was later found dead in his apartment while wearing the panties. He’d succumbed to the bite of a rabid bat after chasing it with a broom, and breaking a chandelier, investigators determined. The panties vanished from a police evidence room two weeks later.
Viskerbloom purchased the panties for his wife Bethany, a devotee of the occult who believed they could endow her with rare magical powers. Instead, tragically, she was electrocuted when the candles she’d lit for a special ceremony caught her robes on fire. The panties, eerily, were untouched by the blaze.
“Those panties took my Bethany,” Viskerbloom told reporters. “Whatever it is that’s haunting them has to be destroyed.”
DON’T PANIC: The vast majority of panties are safe to wear, experts say.
Researchers at the prestigious New Jersey Institute for Paranormal Research have tracked the innocuous-looking pink panties to a sweatshop outside Denpaser, Indonesia. They believe they are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a factory worker who was killed along with 90 others when the building collapsed.
“The worker was a practitioner of kulam, a sinister, voodoo-like form of black magic so dangerous it’s been outlawed by the Indonesian government,” revealed the Institute’s director Dr. Dan Greavesby.
His organization is suing for the return of the panties. And he’s appealing to Rev. Bookley to call off the exorcism, scheduled for next month.
“These are incredibly powerful forces at work here, almost beyond human comprehension,” the expert warns. “To take them on before we’ve had a chance to fully study them is foolhardy.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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This story was written by the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Each day, reckless leaders like power-hungry Russian strongman Vladimir Putin are inching the planet closer and closer to World War 3. But savvy Pentagon planners are already one step ahead, quietly developing an array of weapons designed to win World War 4 and based on the theories of genius Albert Einstein!
DARPA, the Department of Defense’s research and development wing, has churned out an impressive arsenal featuring clubs, stakes, boomerangs and a slew of other surprisingly low-tech killing devices.
“When Einstein was once asked how World War 3 would be fought, he replied, ‘I don’t know, but I know how World War 4 will be fought: with sticks and stones,’” explained a DARPA insider. “He was convinced that after the collapse of civilization, any survivors would lack the technology to manufacture sophisticated weapons such as tanks and machine guns, or the knowledge of how to use them. So we’re preparing next-generation weapons for use by fighting men and women raised in a society at the level of the last Ice Age.”
GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein’s theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.
The innovative weapons created by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) include:
The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.
The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.
The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.
The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.
The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.
The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.
The World War 4-winning weapons are being stockpiled in secret locations around the country, with enough “firepower” for a multi-generational conflict lasting many decades.
“Our descendants will likely lack factories or the infrastructure to mass-produce guns or bullets,” said the insider. “We’ve included in each weapons cache detailed instructions on how to build more weapons when these have run out, as well as how to use each device. In anticipation of a Paleolithic society of child-like illiterates that we predict will populate post-World War 3 North America, we’ve laid out the instructions in simple pictograms.”
War wizards are preparing for multiple scenarios, most of them variations of an occupation of what is now the United States by an Islamist or Russian-Chinese mega-power. The insider likened it to a classic Star Trek episode in which, on an Earth-like planet, descendants of Asian invaders and fur-clad Yangs (short for Yankees) duke it out with primitive weapons.
“Our goal is to ensure that one day the real-life ‘Yangs’ – our fighting men and women of tomorrow – have the tools they need to degrade, destroy and ultimately vanquish those who mean our nation harm,” declared the Defense agency insider. “Our mission, whether in the present or the future, is to support our troops.”
PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like this Yang in the Star Trek episode,”The Omega Glory.”
CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution.
VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.
WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.
By C. Michael Forsyth
BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.
“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.
Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.
OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.
“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”
According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.
FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.
The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.
“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”
Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.
Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”
The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!
British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.
“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’
“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’
“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”
The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.
“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”
“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”
THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.
Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.
“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”
The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).
VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?
How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.
Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.
“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.
“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.
Obama poses 6 terrifyng threats to America — or does he?
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — U.S. President Barack Obama is evil in a half dozen ways that menace America – but miraculously, the six threats cancel each other out!
“Obama is a socialist, a Muslim, a Kenyan, a member of the Illuminati, the Antichrist and a leader of the Trilateral Commission,” declares author Jonathan R. Bernyard, one of the nation’s leading experts on Obama conspiracies. “Any single one of these would make him a danger to our freedom.
“However, the forms of evil are in pairs that operate against each other. It’s like that 19th century case of the British traveler in the Carpathian Mountains who was bitten by a vampire, a werewolf, a zombie and a mummy in the course of a week. Put together, the venoms canceled each other out and he was fine.
“That story may be aprocryphal, but the principle is absolutely certain. As every schoolboy learns in science class, when equally balanced forces act on an object from opposite directions, it doesn’t move. For the very same reason, President Obama cannot harm America.”
Bernyard lays out his unorthodox theory in an upcoming book, The Obama Factor. Here’s a quick break down:
FIERCE African warriors believe in survival of the fittest.
* Obama is a native of Kenya who spent his formative years in a savage, winner-take-all culture.
“The Masai are fierce warriors who from infancy are taught that only the strong survive. The weak who are unable to fend for themselves must be allowed to perish,” Bernyard explains. “That Kenyan mentality makes Obama instinctively inclined to shred our country’s social safety net with a spear, leaving millions of poor Americans to literally starve. It’s social Darwinism at its worst.
“But remember, Obama attended one of our liberal colleges, where he was indoctrinated in radical socialism. He believes in his heart in the redistribution of wealth. That cancels out the harsh individualistic streak in his blood.”
DON’T be deceived. This Jesus lookalike in a painting by Luca Signorelli is the Antichrist
* Many top Bible scholars warn that the President is the Antichrist, the evil tyrant whose rise to power is foretold in the Bible’s book of Revelation.
“Belief in the Antichrist is a central doctrine of Christianity,” Bernyard observes. “The Beast, as this sinister figure is also known, must of course believe wholeheartedly in the prophecy and that his purpose here on earth is to fulfill it.
“However, as is well-documented, Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim and the Islamic worldview was drummed into him at an early age in a madrassa in Indonesia. That worldview simply does not allow for the existence of the Antichrist. Obama will thus reject his Satan-given role as the embodiment of evil because his Moslem upbringing does not allow him to accept the existence of Lucifer.”
This symbol of capitalism and of the Illumanti bent on destroying it can be found on the back of the $1 bill.
* Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a sinister secret society that dates back to the 18th century.
“The goal of the Illuminati is to sweep aside everything we hold dear and usher in a new world order,” the expert declares. “They are credited with having sparked the French Revolution in which aristocrats were hunted down and executed. They want to erase all traditional centers of power. As far back as the 1700s, they were caught in a plot to assassinate all the kings of Europe as well as the Pope, a plot that nearly succeeded.
“Yet it has also been proven that Obama is a card-carrying member of the Trilateral Commission, like presidents George Herbert Walker Bush and Jimmy Carter before him. The Trilateral Commission is dedicated to centralizing power among a small elite of establishment figures – presidents, royalty, heads of prominent corporations. This completely counterbalances Obama’s involvement with the Illuminati.”
If Bernyard’s analysis is correct, it means that President Obama offers no direct threat to the people of the United States. The author insists that the earnest efforts of patriots like Donald Trump, who has called for revolution in the wake of Barack’s re-election, and others petitioning to secede from America or boycott the Electoral College, should be put on hold.
“These conflicting forces render Obama helpless to harm America,” he says. “Ironically, he may thus turn out to be one of the best presidents we’ve ever had.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article penned the critically acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Hear Chapter One read for free by clicking HERE then choosing Audio Clip.
Government’s new facial-recognition system had no difficulty identifying this creature from the movie “The Werewolf of London” as…
… actor Henry Hull.
WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security has quietly developed facial recognition software that can identify people even after they’ve transformed into werewolves!
In a dazzling demonstration of the system, it corectly picked out Hollywood stars after analyzing photos of them in werewolf makeup.
“This will be an invaluable tool for law enforcement,” confirmed a DHS insider.
But not everyone is impressed with the Hair Penetration Analyzer, or HPA, which cost the government a whopping $17 million to develop.
“In the past 100 years there have been only four verified cases of werewolf attacks,” declared Albert Schicklebaus of the watchdog group Citizens for Prudent Use of Taxpayer Funds. “For Uncle Sam to spend such a huge amount of the public’s hard-earned dollars on something like this borders on the ridiculous.”
Facial recognition software has been used by authorities for more than a decade and was deployed by the FBI to pick out known terrorists among spectators at Super Bowl XXXV as far back as 2001. A video image of a person’s face is analyzed and rapidly compared to a database of suspects. Complex algorithms identify facial features by extracting “landmarks” such as the relative position, size, and shape of the eyes, nose, cheekbones, and jaw. Until now, excessive facial hair interfered with this analysis.
The software compared this image to thousands of headshots of Hollywood actors and correctly picked out…
…a young Michael Landon, star of “Teenage Werewolf.”
“HPA obviously has broader applications,” said the Department of Homeland Security source. “Now if a terror suspect in our database shaves his beard and walks through an airport, we’ll easily be able to identify him.”
But why focus on werewolves? The expert likened the approach to the Centers for Disease Control’s recent use of a zombie apocalypse scenario to train emergency responders.
“No one criticized the CDC for that,” he pointed out. “Using a bit of whimsy this way injects much-needed lightheartedness into an otherwise grim matter such as terrorism.”
— C. Michael Forsyth
Who could that be under all that hair?
GOTCHA! The Department of Homeland Security had no trouble picking out Lon Chaney, star of “The Wolfman” out of 10,000 photos.
MASKED AVENGER: Mystery woman faces death if captured.
By C. Michael Forsyth
SHAMIRZAD, Iran – Iranian authorities have issued a fatwa – a death warrant – for a burqa-clad mystery woman who beats up clerics who scold ladies for immodest dress!
Since September, 14 holy men have been beaten to a pulp by the veiled vixen – enraging leaders in a nation where women are supposed to be subservient. Known only as the Mystery Virgin, she has been likened to the swashbuckling masked avenger Zorro.
“Because she’s covered head to toe, none of the injured victims have been able to identify her,” says Iranian journalist Davood Jobrani of the People’s Report.
“Authorities are frustrated – and concerned that if the Mystery Virgin is not captured soon, disrespectful behavior could spread among the female population. They fear we might have women running around in blue jeans and high heels. The imans have launched the mother of all manhunts for the assailant.”
Iranian law demands that women abide by a strict dress code that bans Western clothing. Those who break the rules risk public reprimand by the “morality police,” clerics or alert male citizens – and for serious breaches can be carted off to jail.
The first known attack took place in the northern town of Shamirzad. According to Iran’s official Mehr News Agency, the Mystery Virgin pummeled the cleric so badly that he needed hospitalization.
Respected religious leader Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti told reporters he was on his way to pray at a mosque when he encountered a young woman and warned her that her ankles were partially exposed.
“She responded by telling me to cover my eyes, which was very insulting to me,” still-shaken Beheshti recalled. When he demanded she cover up, the Mystery Virgin told him to “put a lid on it.” Then she punched him so hard he hit the ground.
OPPRESSED Muslim women in Iran are forced to cover themselves head to toe in a garment called a burqa — or face cruel punishment.
Since then, more than a dozen clerics in the area have reported similar incidents in which they criticized women for non-Isamic dress or conduct and were severely thrashed for the unsolicited advice.
“I saw a woman reading an American fashion magazine in the park and noticed that she was wearing nail polish,” Arash Hadandi told Iranian TV. “I ordered her to put away the magazine and scolded her for her shamelessness. Out of nowhere a second woman appeared and told me to shut up.
“I said, ‘How dare you? Go on your way or you’ll get a good caning.’
“She replied, ‘The only one who’s getting a beating today is you.’ The harlot knocked me to the ground and kicked me until I was unconscious.”
Hadandi suffered a broken nose and two fractured ribs in the brutal attack.
News of the Mystery Virgin’s exploits has spread throughout the country, along with wild rumors. Some Iranians believe the two-fisted superheroine studied martial arts, or perhaps picked up tricks from bootleg Jackie Chan DVDS, in clear violation of Sharia, Muslim holy law.
“She delivers blows so rapidly and her roundhouse kick is so powerful that she may indeed have received some special training,” said Police Inspector Mahoud Rostami, who is leading the investigation. “Or it could merely be that rage has given her abnormal strength.”
HUMILIATED: This cleric was beaten within an inch of his life, then stripped of his robes, authorities say.
Adding insult to injury, two of the victims were left stripped to their underwear. Clergyman Farid Karimi denounced a woman he spotted on the street as a “prostitute” because he could make out her curves through her burqa. The Mystery Virgin came to her rescue, taking down Karimi with a lightning fast blitz of jabs and uppercuts.
“As I lay sprawled in the alley, she said, ‘I don’t like your fashion sense either,’ and yanked off my robes,” Karimi told newsmen. “As I tried to cover myself she disappeared into the gathering crowd.”
Karimi, who was found to be wearing women’s undergarments, now faces criminal charges himself. But it is the elusive Mystery Virgin whom authorities are determined to bring to justice. If captured, she could face a trial before a religious tribunal and death by stoning.
The Mystery Virgin has become a symbol for the pent-up anger of downtrodden Muslim women, to whom she’s become a hero.
“They may condemn her in front of their husbands at the dinner table,” notes reporter Jobrani. “But when they are in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, they praise her in hushed voices.”
SWASHBUCKLING Zorro, portrayed here by Tyrone Power, also defended the weak and oppressed.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel “Hour of the Beast.” Hour of the Beast is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the Ebook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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