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KKKlassy! Model sports chic new look for modern office.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK – Now you can proudly display your political viewpoint on the job, while still maintaining proper office decorum – by donning a new kind of garment known as the klan-kini. The pared-down version of the classic KKK robe features only the hood and a shoulder covering, allowing a business suit, lab coat or company uniform to be seen.
At least four major clothing designers have introduced klan-kinis to their spring collections, and fashion experts predict the outfits will be a common sight at workplaces across America next year.
“People felt uncomfortable wearing a full-length Klan robe to work, because they feared it might be distracting to clients – and of course, it could be unsafe on a factory floor,” explains fashion editor Diane Wortenski. “The klan-kini allows you to express your political outlook in a discreet and respectful manner, while looking chic and sophisticated and blending into the office environment.”
While some companies with very strict dress codes may not allow klan-kinis, experts say increasing numbers will, as viewpoints once considered “too extreme” are now accepted as normal.
“If an employee wears a yarmulke with gray flannel suit, we certainly don’t have a problem with that,” noted a human resource manager at a leading Manhattan advertising firm. “This really isn’t so different.”
Women like the klan-kini, because it allows them to show off their classy designer duds – and their curves.
“Robes cover the clothing you’ve spent a fortune on , as well as your figure, which is frustrating when you spend as many hours a week in the gym as I do,” said 36-year-old Kathy, a marketing executive who asked that her last name not be used. “With a klan-kini, I can wear my ‘power’ pantsuit to an important board meeting. And on Casual Friday, everyone will see my cute skirt with the high slit.”
If the trend takes off, designers will likely expand their klan-kini lines to accompany formal evening attire, club wear such as miniskirts, and even swimwear.
“Next summer, when you take the family on a Florida vacation, expect to see plenty of young beach bunnies sunbathing in thongs with klan-kini tops,” Wortenski said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.
“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”
Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.
Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:
Shift-F9 = Serial Killers
P-Backspace = Peeping Toms
Tab-Alt-Delete = Blood Drinkers
Caps Lock-CH = Cannibal Hillbillies
Insert-DK = Prostitutes
F12-End = Mafia Hitmen
Enter-F4 = Insane scientists
PgUp-666 = Devil Worshippers
Command-U = Dominatrixes
$$$-Home = Loan Sharks
Com-@-End = Communists
It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.
“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Plucky English settlers landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Move over, Muslims! Descendants of Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower are demanding that the government create a registry of every last one of them now living in the U.S.
“With all due respect to Muslim Americans, our group has had far more cultural impact on the United States,” declared Millicent Standish-Billingsley, coordinator of the Pilgrim Registry Action Committee.
Tens of millions of Americans have at least one ancestor who was among the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in 1620 at what is now Plymouth, Mass. An organization called the General Society of Mayflower Descendants lists a small fraction of those bluebloods. To be included, people had to submit proof of their lineage to a historian for verification.
Said Standish-Billingsley, “Using DNA testing, it would be possible to create a comprehensive list of every single American descended from that group of plucky settlers. They have a right to know about their wonderful heritage.”
The push for a Pilgrim Registry began late last year, after then-candidate Donald Trump vowed to implement a Muslim registry if elected. Since then, many other groups have been clamoring for attention, including folks with Irish ancestry, Armenian-Americans, dwarfs and even mimes, all insisting that they also deserve special recognition.
THANKGIVING: A time when Pilgrims and Indians put aside their differences.
Unfortunately, the high cost of creating the proposed Pilgrim Registry — estimated at close to $60 million — may torpedo the plan.
“It’s an admirable goal, but at time when the national debt is rising, it’s very hard to justify the expense,” said an insider on the Trump transition team.
The following are the names of 29 adult Mayflower passengers known to have descendants. If you share a last name with one of them, you may deserve a place on the registry.
• Thomas Rogers
• Henry Samson
• George Soule
• Myles Standish
• John Tilley
• Joan (née Hurst) Tilley
• Richard Warren
• William White
• Edward Winslow
• John Alden
• Priscilla Alden (née Mullins)
• Isaac Allerton
• Mary (née Norris) Allerton
• John Billington
• William Bradford
• Love Brewster
• William Brewster
• Peter Browne
• James Chilton
• Francis Cooke
• Edward Doty
• Francis Eaton
• Moses Fletcher
• Edward Fuller
• Samuel Fuller
• Stephen Hopkins
• Elizabeth (née Fisher) Hopkins
• John Howland
• Richard More
• William Mullins
• Degory Priest
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
“Hamilton” actors ruffled the feathers of Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY — To safeguard the delicate feelings of conservative politicians, theater groups are now prefacing plays with “trigger warnings” if there are themes involving social justice.
The precautions are being taken out of concern that leaders may suffer serious emotional harm – or even a full-blown panic attack — if exposed to controversial subjects such as freedom of speech, race relations, poverty, or gay rights.
“The last thing you’d want to see is the Attorney General fleeing up the aisle wild-eyed and gasping for breath midway through a stage production of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’” explained veteran Broadway stage manager Diane Lentowsky. “Everyone understands why panic in a crowded theater is dangerous. And even grunts of discomfort or audible sobbing can distract the performers and fellow theater goers.”
The move was sparked when cast members of the hit Broadway show “Hamilton” told incoming Vice President Mike Pence during their curtain call that they were concerned that the new administration might not protect the rights of Americans and hoped “this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and work on behalf of all of us.”
President-Elect Donald Trump, furious that the incident might have embarrassed and upset the new Veep, went on Twitter to demand an apology.
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place,” Trump tweeted. “The cast of ‘Hamilton’ was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!”
Chastened theater companies took his words to heart.
“Mr. Trump is 100 % right,” acknowledged Lentowsky. “The theater is supposed to be a safe space, where an audience member’s personal values are never challenged and they aren’t exposed to ideas that make them uncomfortable, or god forbid trigger some kind of emotional collapse.
“You wouldn’t, for example, want a congressman who’s just passed a transgender bathroom bill be subjected to ‘Angels in America,’ the marathon seven-hour play about gays and AIDS!”
Political subtext of “The Crucible” might rattle some officials.
The warnings, printed on playbills or made in verbal announcements just before the curtains rise, give politicians a chance to make a hasty exit. Some theaters are posting the warnings on websites where tickets are sold, so officials can avoid attending offensive plays in the first place.
There won’t be trigger warnings before all plays. Some, like a revival of the beloved musical “The Music Man” would be deemed safe after a careful review of all the dialogue. But a play like “The World of Suzy Wong,” about an interracial relationship, or “The Crucible,” seen as an allegory for the anti-communist witch-hunts of the 1950s, would be proceeded by a heads up.
“We’ll be putting on ‘The Sound of Music,’ which might seem innocuous, but we plan to post a trigger warning just in case, because in it the Von Trapp family must flee a totalitarian government,” Lentowsky said.
“The Sound of Music” might seem harmless, but the singing family’s run-in with the Nazis could have a triggering effect.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
DOH! America is now one long Simpsons episode, experts agree.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.
“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.
“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”
In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.
Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.
Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:
If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.
If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.
If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.
No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.
If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.
A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.
Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.
If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.
If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.
No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.
The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.
“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Agent Jim Phelps (Peter Graves) tries to recall the message he just heard, on Mission:Impossible
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — In the wake of the Hillary Clinton email scandal, State Department officials are returning to a tried-and-true method for sending sensitive messages securely: audiotapes that self-destruct!
“Emails are just too easy to hack, whether they’re stored on a private server or a government one,” revealed a State Dept. insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve decided to go old school.”
Fans of TV’s Mission: Impossible will remember how spy master Jim Phelps received each assignment on an audiotape, followed by the warning, “As always, should you or any of your I.M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.”
The insider explained, “Unlike the emails of today, back then no one could dig up proof that a Secretary of State or the President authorized the overthrow of a brutal dictator.”
While Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server got her in hot water, hackers believed to be working for the Russian government subsequently hacked the State Department’s own email system, in what intelligence officials called the “worst ever” cyberattack intrusion against a federal agency.
“That forced us to think outside the box and take a fresh look at older forms of communication such as telephone calls,” said the insider. “We developing a system that operates on an entirely different frequency from cell networks, to prevent signals from being intercepted. The technical details are classified, but it’s not unlike those pen phone communicators used by the agents on Man From U.N.C.L.E.“
To foil enemy agents, State Department officials may even resort to the most low-tech form of communication imaginable: meeting face to face on a park bench and trading information while sipping Starbucks coffee.
However, not everyone in the agency is excited about the throwback to antiquated technology.
Said one disgruntled official, “What’s next, shoe phones?”
On Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) could contact his boss securely using a communicator disguised as a pen.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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OWNING a pricey yacht like the $1 billion Streets of Monaco doesn’t make you one of the elite.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.
While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.
“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”
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The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.
In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.
“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”
The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.
“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Sam ( Jared Padalecki) and his brother frequently battle evil clowns on TV’s “Supernatural.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
GREENVILLE, S.C. — Looking for a career with a bright future? Thanks to the recent surge in evil clown sightings, clown hunter is now one of the nation’s top 10 fastest growing occupations!
“There isn’t much call for vampire hunters these days, because blood drinkers have been virtually driven to extinction,” says industry analyst Maryanne Holtsgood. “But this year we’ve seen a tremendous uptick in the demand for clown hunters.”
Since August, the U.S. has been plagued by sightings of sinister clowns, some of whom try to lure children into the woods. Bewildered law enforcement officials have been unable to keep pace with the epidemic, and so communities have sought the help of hired guns, shelling out as much as $45,000 a pop to rid their town of a rubber-nose-wearing menace.
“A bounty hunter will walk into a mayor’s office toting a rainbow-colored wig ‘scalp’ and walk out with a suitcase stuffed with cash,” Holtsgood reveals. “It can be an incredibly lucrative career. Some are going into it full time, for others it’s a sideline, like being an Uber driver.”
But clown hunting is no barrel of laughs. Experts say it’s dangerous work that has already cost many overconfident wannabes their lives.
“Some good ol’ boy with an AR-15 and a couple of survival knives will decide to call himself a clown hunter, figuring, ‘How hard can it be to take down a clown?’ “ says veteran clown hunter Butch ‘ The Hammer‘ Kencaid. “He’ll go out there totally unprepared and end up with a face full of acid from a flower in a clown’s lapel, fatally stomped by oversized shoes or mowed down by a clown car.”
NO LAUGHING MATTER: Evil clowns like Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” are running amok across America.
In many ways, clown hunting is more challenging than more traditional professions such as vampire hunting, demon hunting and witch hunting. That’s because there are many different types of evil clowns and each type must be battled with different techniques and weapons.
“One might be a demonic entity, the next the ghost of a trampled rodeo clown, another a disguised extraterrestrial, and yet another a homicidal maniac,” explains Greenville-based Kencaid. “And because others may just be high-spirited college kids pulling a prank, you can’t shoot first and ask questions after.”
Among the weapons an experienced clown hunter takes into the field are a shotgun loaded with rock salt, silver throwing knives and a water pistol loaded with holy water. But more important than the right weapons is the right training. Familiarity with specialized fight moves such as the “eyeball poke block” and the “cream pie duck,” both inspired by the Three Stooges, is essential.
In the past few months, two clown hunting academies have cropped up, one on the west coast, the other in Minnesota. Next year, several community colleges plan to offer certificate programs in clown hunting. Kencaid advise novices to apprentice under an experienced hunter for at least three months before taking on a solo gig.
“If you go after a clown unprepared, the joke will be on you,” he warns.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If this made you chuckle, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Chutes and Ladders is one of the most popular children’s games in the world.
BOSTON — With Halloween season in full swing, many concerned parents worry that their children may be possessed by demons – particularly after playing with a Ouija board. But experts say kids are four times more likely to need a house call from the local exorcist after playing the beloved game Chutes and Ladders!
In the movie The Exorcist, young Regan (Linda Blair) is taken over by a demonic entity after monkeying with a Ouija board. Since then, numerous Hollywood films have highlighted the risks inherent in contacting the spirit world through the sinister game, most recently Ouija: Origin of Evil. Evangelical leaders frequently warn the public about the threat. But a recent study of 164 exorcisms reveals that children are far more likely to be possessed during a round of the seemingly innocuous Chutes and Ladders.
In Hollywood movies like Ouija: Origin of Evil, messing with a board is begging for trouble.
“Surprisingly, Ouija boards don’t even rank among the top 10 games when it comes to triggering possession,” says Neil Loganski, a leading expert on the occult and chief author of the study. “Number two is Chinese Checkers, followed by Scrabble and Monopoly.”
A Ouija board is marked with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0–9, and the words “yes”, “no” and “goodbye.” Players hold a small, heart-shaped pointer that seemingly spells out words on its own accord. Contrary to popular belief, it has no ancient Eastern roots. It was invented by an American businessman in 1890 as a fun parlor game.
“Turn out it had nothing at all to do with the occult,” Loganski reveals. “It was only later, during the spiritualism craze, that people began trying to use the boards to contact the dead. But the fact is, Ouija boards are terrible conduits for the supernatural. You’d have a better chance of getting in touch with your dead grandfather by talking into one of his old shoes. “
Ouija boards are lousy means to contact dead. (Photo by Jon Santa Cruz)
Ouija is typically played by teenage girls during sleepovers – which is one of the main reason demons avoid the boards like the plague.
“Demons select as their targets the most innocent among us,” notes Loganski. “Nowadays, it’s rare to find a 16-year-old American teen who hasn’t at least gotten to third base. Demons prefer victims whose minds are free of impure thoughts, highly impressionable and prone to believing in ‘imaginary friends.’ That’s why the simple games played in early elementary school are so much more dangerous.”
Fate of possessed girl is up on in the air in 1973 movie The Exorcist.
It’s not clear why Chutes and Ladders tops the possession list, but experts suspect it may have to do with the game’s origin in the mysterious Orient.
“The commercial version most of us are familiar with was introduced by game pioneer Milton Bradley in 1943,” explains Loganski, “but in fact the game dates back countless hundreds of years to ancient India, where it was known as Moksha Patam. It embodies sophisticated philosophical concepts such as karma and moksha, and was supposed to lead to enlightenment and spiritual awakening.
“Unfortunately, it now appears that it can also open the mind to the forces of darkness,” says the expert.
Around Halloween, when the barrier between the spirit world and temporal world is at its weakest, any board game – with the exception of Risk — can lead to possession, and even adults are vulnerable. Here, from the expert, are early warning signs that a player is under demonic attack:
• You become obsessed with winning, for example thinking “I’d sell my soul to land on Boardwalk.”
• Success rolling the dice seems to defy the laws of chance. Three sixes in a row are an especially ominous sign.
• While playing a game like Scrabble, suggestive words like “B-O-I-N-K” keep cropping up.
• Greed, one of the seven deadly sins, consumes you, as the drive to pile up fake money overwhelms all other concerns.
• Anger, another deadly sin, keeps filling your mind. “A normally mild-mannered player who rages at a competitor for ‘cheating’ in a voice that barely sounds like his own may be under demonic influence,” says the expert.
• You begin to overly identity with your playing piece, saying things like “You just knocked me over!”
• You develop sinful thoughts. “Lustful feelings about your neighbor’s wife ‘Miss Scarlet’ in the midst of a game of Clue is a red flag that the devil or one of his minions has entered your mind,” warns Loganski.
• You become hooked on a particular game, irresistibly drawn to play it again and again.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
This story was satirical, as you likely realize. No one has ever been possessed as a result of playing Chutes and Ladders. If you found the article a fun read, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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By C. Michael Forsyth
With the eagerly anticipated Season 7 of The Walking Dead set to air October 23, and fan theories running wild, I thought I’d have a bit of fun myself. Submitted for your approval, a final episode revelation that Twilight Zone creator Rod Serling might have written: It turns out hero zombie-fighter Rick Grimes died for a few seconds while in the hospital and returned, unknowingly, as a zombie himself. (His brain function relatively undiminished, naturally, since he was out so briefly).
NO HEARTBEAT, NO PROBLEM: Rick’s partner Shane made absolutely sure he heard no heartbeat before abandoning his comatose pal.
This, of course, isn’t the first twist ending that lovers of the show have proposed. Multiple people have theorized that the entire series has been a nightmare and Rick is still in a coma. The notion circulated so widely on the Internet, that the show (and graphic novel) creator Robert Kirkman came forward to deny it. Still hope for Jim of 28 Days Later, I suppose. (That zombie stomper was, coincidentally, also in a coma when the zombie apocalypse broke out).
Memes like these flooded the Internet, but the show’s creator shot the rumor down like it was a roaming walker.
It would’ve made a nifty twist. But Serling probably would give the series finale one extra twist, in a scene like this:
Rick, his wife Lori, former partner Shane, and son Carl hover over his hospital bed as he emerges from his coma.
RICK: It was awful. I dreamt the whole country was overrun with zombies.
SHANE: It’s OK, old buddy. You’re back with us in the real world now.
CARL (Whispers): Mom, do you think we ought to tell him about the vampires?
LORI: Wait till he’s had time to rest, dear.
An even bigger bummer of an ending would be if it turned out that Rick, a sheriff’s deputy, was actually shot DEAD in the first episode, and even being in a coma was all in his imagination! In this scenario, in the final scene, Rick is surrounded by walkers, with no hope of escape. One elderly zombie emerges from the herd and approaches him.
RICK: You won’t get me, you bastards!
HEAD ZOMBIE: There’s no reason to be afraid. Don’t you see, Rick? You’re already dead. We all are.
As Rick’s panic subsides, he now sees the “zombies” as ordinary citizens who gather around to greet him.
ZOMBIE MAIL CARRIER: I thought he’d NEVER stop running from us, Pete.
RICK: B-But who are you?
HEAD ZOMBIE: Pete is fine. But gosh darn it, if some folks don’t still insist on calling me St. Peter.
Such a “dead and doesn’t know it” ending would bring the saga full circle. It was the twist in Carnival of Souls, the creepy 1962 B&W film that inspired George Romero to make Night of the Living Dead.
When you board a bus and your fellow passengers look like these commuters in “Carnival of Souls,” it may be an early warning sign that you are dead.
Horror News 