Archive for the ‘parody’ Category
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — To keep Donald Trump’s tax returns from the public, IRS officials are securing them in an impregnable safe in a locked room no one is allowed to enter. But a top expert in keeping dangerous documents out of the wrong hands says that doesn’t go nearly far enough.
“That safe should be encased in a hermetically sealed titanium vault,” said Herman Klausgrove, an advisor to the Vatican. “The vault should be placed in the cargo hold of a submarine and the doors to both the cargo hold and the sub welded shut. The submarine could then be scuttled in the deepest part of the ocean, the Mariana Trench, with all records of the exact location shredded, then burned.”
THE MARIANA TRENCH, more than 7 miles deep, is literally the bottom of the sea.
Klausgrove is unquestionably the leading expert in the field. He is credited with concealing numerous books and manuscripts deemed unsafe for public consumption, many associated with the occult. These include Adolf Hitler’s personal copy of the notorious Oera Linda, said to contain powerful 4,000-year-old spells from Atlantis, and dubbed the Bible of the Third Reich.
Most recently, the expert deep-sixed the original copy of the Grand Grimoire, also known as the Red Dragon or the Gospel of Satan, purportedly written by Honorius of Thebes while possessed by Lucifer and discovered in the tomb of King Solomon. The Necromonicon-like book is chockful of blasphemous incantations, demon-raising rites and occult spells – including one potent enough to compel even a Pope submit to the Devil. While the age-old tome was long kept under lock and key in a secret Vatican archive, last year Pope Francis made the decision to hide it somewhere even safer.
THE GRAND GRIMOIRE, one of the most dangerous books on Earth
“The book is impervious to fire and even attempts to destroy it with acid and explosives have failed,” Klausgrove explained. “The only alternative was to put it somewhere it could never be found again.”
The crafty specialist refused to divulge anything about where he ferreted away the Grand Grimoire, but hinted that the public would be very surprised to learn the answer.
“Sometimes the trick is to hide an object in plain sight,” he said coyly.
Trump’s tax returns became a subject of controversy during the 2016 campaign, when unlike every other past presidential candidate, he refused to release them. At the time, the flamboyant real estate tycoon vowed that he would let voters see them once he was elected, but soon after he was inaugurated, a spokesman declared that the returns would never see the light of day.
CANDIDATE Trump swore that he would release his tax returns if elected.
There has been renewed interest in the President’s taxes after he pushed through a tax reform bill that could cut the money he pays Uncle Sam by an estimated $1 billion. Reporters have been eager to take a peek at the forbidden documents, one calling it “the Holy Grail of White House reporting.” But the IRS has redoubled efforts to keep them from the public eye.
IRS Commissioner John Koskinen recently told Politico magazine, “It’s in a locked cabinet in a locked room that nobody’s in. You’ll need a key to the room and the cabinet to get it. We’re in the process of turning that cabinet into a safe.”
But Klausgrove warns that a determined safe cracker might retrieve the documents.
“If the contents of those returns came to light, the fallout might be as devastating as reading aloud from any of the unholy texts I’ve hidden over the years.”
READING aloud from a forbidden book bound in human skin can have unforeseen consequences, as characters learn in the movie The Evil Dead.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
LOYALTY OATH: Saying the Pledge is already required in schools across America.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Good news for patriots! A new federal law will make it mandatory for every worker in America to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of each work day.
The Defense of Liberty Act will require companies to allot two minutes every morning for workers in offices and on factory floors to salute a regulation-size flag and declare their loyalty to the United States. Furthermore, before any major event such as a company retreat, picnic or baseball game, the National Anthem must be played. Firms that fail to enact the policy face a stiff penalty of up to $3,500 per day.
The bill is still in committee, but lawmakers are confident that there will be enough votes for it to pass both the House and Senate, and that super-patriotic President Donald Trump will sign it into law.
“In the current environment, many Americans don’t feel comfortable exhibiting their love for this country. This law makes it safe to be a patriot again,” says conservative activist Newton Lartley, a strong advocate for the legislation. “When you hear all your coworkers saying the Pledge alongside you, just like in elementary school, you know that it’s OK to be proud of our flag.”
Not surprisingly, many ACLU types are up in arms, protesting that the act would violate the “rights” of citizens who aren’t all that patriotic. But supporters say that our number one priority should be encouraging devotion to America, the land of liberty.
Notes one Republican lawmaker, “It’s not asking a lot for Americans to, once a day, show their gratitude to this great land by confirming that we are indeed ‘one nation, under God, invisible.’”
FLAG-LOVING Donald Trump will go down in history as our most patriotic President, if allegations that he is a Russian agent are disproved.
If you enjoyed this news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
STATUE of Civil War legend and KKK leader Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest escaped from warehouse where it was stored.
By. C. Michael Forsyth
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — The statues of 13 Confederate war heroes have come alive to seek revenge on the living, according to horrified paranormal investigators.
At least eight deaths and 36 sword and cannon injuries have been attributed to the golem-like figures, since their removal from public parks and town squares. The victims have primarily been liberal activists who had pushed for the removal of the controversial monuments, but the take-no-prisoners statues mow down anyone who stands in their way. Even an ice cream vendor was trampled to death when he inadvertently blocked the path of the mounted statue of General Robert E. Lee as the frightening figure galloped down the sidewalk.
“These entities are very, very angry,” said psychic researcher Ted Luebeck. ” We’re asking for the public’s help in tracking the statues down before they do more harm.”
Community organizer Margaret Fisling fell victim to a 102-year-old statue of General Stonewall Jackson as she was erecting an “Impeach Donald Trump” lawn sign outside her Charlotte home. Her husband Keith watched in helpless horror as the marble menace bore down on the 45-year-old woman, sword waving.
“First, we heard the eerie sound of ‘Dixie’ whistling over the wind,” said Fisling. “When we looked up we saw the statue, which we recognized from protest marches, charging straight us. I dove behind our garden gnome, but Maggie couldn’t get out of the way in time. Gen. Jackson’s horse knocked her down, then after about 50 feet, he turned around. He pointed his saber, galloped forward at full speed and sliced off her head off. It was like something out of a horror movie.”
Authorities were initially skeptical of the far-fetched story, until police discovered horse tracks on the scene and residue consistent with pigeon droppings.
Since May, scores of monuments honoring Confederate generals, as well as Jefferson Davis and the judge who ruled in favor of slavery in the Dredd Scott decision, have been removed from cities in North Carolina, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee and other states. While some have found new homes in museums, or as lawn ornaments for Civil War buffs, most have been shipped for temporary housing at warehouses. The 13 that sprang to life were all kept at the Old Times Warehouse and Antique Shop on the outskirts of Charlotte, according to investigator Luebeck.
REMOVAL of statues of Confederate greats like the beloved General Robert E. Lee has sparked a nationwide debate.
A statue of General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who became an organizer of the Klu Klux Klan after the war, was the first to go missing from the storage facility, on August 16.
“That morning, I was wheeling in the latest addition, some colonel who fought in the Battle of Bull Run, when I found the spot where the Forrest statue had been gathering dust for months was empty,” said warehouse employee Stan Beasby. “At first, we figured it had been stolen, but it was funny because that statue weighs over 3,500 pounds. Who would have thought these guys have been marching and riding straight out of here?”
Over the following several nights, the statues of other legendary soldiers went on the lam, as well as a bust of General P.G.T. Beauregard that’s believed to have hopped to freedom. Paranormal experts can’t explain how the statues, most chiseled out of solid stone or made of bronze, and have no joints, are moving about. However, they do have a theory about the supernatural mechanism that has animated them.
“The warehouse also holds old store mannequins, junk from amusement park haunted houses, and figures from a wax museum in New Orleans that shut down last year,” Luebeck revealed.
“Back in 1988, a group of college students carried out a ‘voodoo’ ceremony that briefly brought some of the wax figures alive for two days, including one of Lizzie Borden. There were several serious injuries before they were put down with a blowtorch. We believe it’s conceivable that the surviving wax figures somehow ‘infected’ the Confederate statues.”
STATUES rarely come to life outside of movies like the 1963 Ray Harryhausen classic “Jason and the Argonauts.”
While baffled police race to track down the missing monuments, dozens of self-proclaimed “monster hunters” have converged on the area to put a stop to the killing spree. But some proud southerners profess sympathy for the hard-charging symbols of the South. And they reject any connection between their idols and slavery or racism.
“It’s not a racial thing,” insisted Beau Castland of the organization Keep Your Yankee Hands Off Our Heritage. “The media doesn’t point this out, but only one of the victims was black. Four were white, two were Asian Americans and one was a visitor from Samoa.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!
“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.
“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”
Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.
“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”
A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.
“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”
When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.
“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”
Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Classic party games can help a presidential term pass quickly.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!
“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”
Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:
- Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
- Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
- Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
- Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
- Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
- Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
- Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.
A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.
- Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
- Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
- Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
- Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
- Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
- Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.
Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.
- Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
- A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
- Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
- Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
- Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”
We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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- Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.
“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.
“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”
Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”
Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.
“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.
Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.
NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.
“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”
The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.
“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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KKKlassy! Model sports chic new look for modern office.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK – Now you can proudly display your political viewpoint on the job, while still maintaining proper office decorum – by donning a new kind of garment known as the klan-kini. The pared-down version of the classic KKK robe features only the hood and a shoulder covering, allowing a business suit, lab coat or company uniform to be seen.
At least four major clothing designers have introduced klan-kinis to their spring collections, and fashion experts predict the outfits will be a common sight at workplaces across America next year.
“People felt uncomfortable wearing a full-length Klan robe to work, because they feared it might be distracting to clients – and of course, it could be unsafe on a factory floor,” explains fashion editor Diane Wortenski. “The klan-kini allows you to express your political outlook in a discreet and respectful manner, while looking chic and sophisticated and blending into the office environment.”
While some companies with very strict dress codes may not allow klan-kinis, experts say increasing numbers will, as viewpoints once considered “too extreme” are now accepted as normal.
“If an employee wears a yarmulke with gray flannel suit, we certainly don’t have a problem with that,” noted a human resource manager at a leading Manhattan advertising firm. “This really isn’t so different.”
Women like the klan-kini, because it allows them to show off their classy designer duds – and their curves.
“Robes cover the clothing you’ve spent a fortune on , as well as your figure, which is frustrating when you spend as many hours a week in the gym as I do,” said 36-year-old Kathy, a marketing executive who asked that her last name not be used. “With a klan-kini, I can wear my ‘power’ pantsuit to an important board meeting. And on Casual Friday, everyone will see my cute skirt with the high slit.”
If the trend takes off, designers will likely expand their klan-kini lines to accompany formal evening attire, club wear such as miniskirts, and even swimwear.
“Next summer, when you take the family on a Florida vacation, expect to see plenty of young beach bunnies sunbathing in thongs with klan-kini tops,” Wortenski said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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“Hamilton” actors ruffled the feathers of Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY — To safeguard the delicate feelings of conservative politicians, theater groups are now prefacing plays with “trigger warnings” if there are themes involving social justice.
The precautions are being taken out of concern that leaders may suffer serious emotional harm – or even a full-blown panic attack — if exposed to controversial subjects such as freedom of speech, race relations, poverty, or gay rights.
“The last thing you’d want to see is the Attorney General fleeing up the aisle wild-eyed and gasping for breath midway through a stage production of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’” explained veteran Broadway stage manager Diane Lentowsky. “Everyone understands why panic in a crowded theater is dangerous. And even grunts of discomfort or audible sobbing can distract the performers and fellow theater goers.”
The move was sparked when cast members of the hit Broadway show “Hamilton” told incoming Vice President Mike Pence during their curtain call that they were concerned that the new administration might not protect the rights of Americans and hoped “this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and work on behalf of all of us.”
President-Elect Donald Trump, furious that the incident might have embarrassed and upset the new Veep, went on Twitter to demand an apology.
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place,” Trump tweeted. “The cast of ‘Hamilton’ was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!”
Chastened theater companies took his words to heart.
“Mr. Trump is 100 % right,” acknowledged Lentowsky. “The theater is supposed to be a safe space, where an audience member’s personal values are never challenged and they aren’t exposed to ideas that make them uncomfortable, or god forbid trigger some kind of emotional collapse.
“You wouldn’t, for example, want a congressman who’s just passed a transgender bathroom bill be subjected to ‘Angels in America,’ the marathon seven-hour play about gays and AIDS!”
Political subtext of “The Crucible” might rattle some officials.
The warnings, printed on playbills or made in verbal announcements just before the curtains rise, give politicians a chance to make a hasty exit. Some theaters are posting the warnings on websites where tickets are sold, so officials can avoid attending offensive plays in the first place.
There won’t be trigger warnings before all plays. Some, like a revival of the beloved musical “The Music Man” would be deemed safe after a careful review of all the dialogue. But a play like “The World of Suzy Wong,” about an interracial relationship, or “The Crucible,” seen as an allegory for the anti-communist witch-hunts of the 1950s, would be proceeded by a heads up.
“We’ll be putting on ‘The Sound of Music,’ which might seem innocuous, but we plan to post a trigger warning just in case, because in it the Von Trapp family must flee a totalitarian government,” Lentowsky said.
“The Sound of Music” might seem harmless, but the singing family’s run-in with the Nazis could have a triggering effect.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Horror News 