QUICK AND THE UNDEAD: Zombie known only as Jacques is the fastest ever recorded.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti — There are slow zombies. There are fast zombies. And then there is a blindingly fast zombie named Jacques who recently shattered the world record for his kind by running the 100 meters in 10:06 seconds!
The lean, French-born athlete pulled off the dazzling feat at the annual Undead Track and Field Tournament held in the Toussaint L’Ouverture Racetrack in Haiti, finishing many strides ahead of his eight competitors.
“Jacques’ astounding performance at this event demolishes the image of zombies as shambling and unfocused,” declared sportswriter Kevin J. Bracksley. “His speed was just a fraction of a second behind the ‘normal human’ record set by Usain Bolt in 2009.”
The remarkable “running dead” sports star is equally impressive in longer distances, recently clocked at 4.12 minutes in the mile.
Zombie racing is a tradition that dates back to the 18th century, when plantation owners would wager on their most fleet-footed undead field hands. Mark Twain, who saw one of the bizarre races on his many travels, wrote in 1896 that it was “sort of like a tortoise race, but less exciting.”
In the 20th century, the international tournament was expanded to include events such as the shot put and broad jump. Organizers hope that in future years, other athletic events such as beach volleyball will be added.
Zombies arrived from far away as Turkey to compete in the races held on November 14, brought by family members or handlers who’d purchased them. Jacques’ owner is a wealthy, unidentified British sports enthusiast whose team spent months training and conditioning the 6 foot 2, 160-pound athlete.
“Muscle break down and decay is very common among zombies and the lack of oxygen to the brain they suffer before revival usually means their motor control is shot,” explained Bracksley. “That’s a huge hurdle to overcome in competitive sports.”
Although Jacques’ full name has not been revealed, he reportedly was an avid marathon runner who took home several trophies in Europe before falling victim to a zombie outbreak in 2011. That background has doubtless aided the rotting runner, the sportswriter said.
“There’s such a thing as ‘muscle memory’ you don’t lose even when the higher centers of the brain are kaput,” he observed. “And I’d like to think that the competitive spirit that Jacques had before he crossed over is still flickering in that decaying skull of his, and that helped him across the finish line first.”
If you got a chuckle out of this mind-bending tale by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel Night Cage, about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of wild supernatural news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
Next time you feel the cold breath of a vampire on your throat at night, don’t turn on the lights – because odds are the bloodsucker is butt ugly! While Hollywood movies typically portray vampires as pretty boys and supermodel types, the sad reality is that the vast majority have faces that would stop a clock, an expert says.
“Vampires typically prey on those whom they can easily jump at night,” reveals Dr. Casey Kierlam, a leading hematologist. “That means scab-encrusted vagrants, back alley prostitutes and meth-heads whose teeth are in frightful shape even before they are converted into vampires and sprout fangs.”
By contrast, androgynously handsome aristocrats and drop-dead-gorgeous movie stars are usually surrounded by bodyguards and entourages, and are far too well protected to fall victim to vampire attacks, she noted.
Real vampires are less likely to look like this…
… than this.
The inaccurate depiction of vampires as major hotties has made life difficult for real undead dudes who are “not conventionally handsome.” While mystique may have been enough in the past, those who look more like Bela Lugosi than Brad Pitt now find it hard to close the deal.
“Back in the day, if you told some sweet young thing you could give her everlasting life, you were in like Flynn,” complains 200-year-old blood-drinker and former sanitation worker Burt Hogprow. “Now, thanks to those stupid movies like Twilight, they expect you to look like Robert Pattison too. And if you don’t, they won’t give you the time of day.”
If you got a chuckle out of this supernatural news satire by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his new graphic novel NIGHT CAGE about vampires running amok in a women’s prison.
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, check out his novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of The Spook House HERE.
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
LETHAL: World War 4 will be won with easily manufactured weapons like these, Pentagon planners predict.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Each day, reckless leaders like power-hungry Russian strongman Vladimir Putin are inching the planet closer and closer to World War 3. But savvy Pentagon planners are already one step ahead, quietly developing an array of weapons designed to win World War 4 and based on the theories of genius Albert Einstein!
DARPA, the Department of Defense’s research and development wing, has churned out an impressive arsenal featuring clubs, stakes, boomerangs and a slew of other surprisingly low-tech killing devices.
“When Einstein was once asked how World War 3 would be fought, he replied, ‘I don’t know, but I know how World War 4 will be fought: with sticks and stones,’” explained a DARPA insider. “He was convinced that after the collapse of civilization, any survivors would lack the technology to manufacture sophisticated weapons such as tanks and machine guns, or the knowledge of how to use them. So we’re preparing next-generation weapons for use by fighting men and women raised in a society at the level of the last Ice Age.”
GENIUS physicist Albert Einstein’s theories laid the groundwork for the atomic bomb.
The innovative weapons created by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) include:
The C-357 Destroyer: Capable of delivering more than 10,000 pounds of force, this formidable device can crush an enemy fighter’s skull on impact.
The B-219 Penetrator: A razor-sharp stake designed to skewer up to three insurgents charging in single file.
The X-17 Falcon: Lightweight and lethal, this device can decapitate our descendants’ foes in hand-to-hand combat, and when wielded by a skilled operator, can be shifted to airborne mode to terminate enemy combatants at distances up to 30 feet.
The Annihilator: Perfectly balanced, with both close-quarters and aerial capabilities, this weapon of low-mass destruction was crafted for swift and sure elimination of America’s enemies.
The Returner G-9: Just as Australian aborigines have fatally beaned dingoes and kangaroos for centuries, warriors of the future will dispatch foes of our nation (or perhaps their regional government or village), before the bad guys know what hit them.
The R2-916 Terminator: Inspired by the hardware used by David to take out Biblical bad guy Goliath, the Terminator’s delivery system is capable of slamming enemy troops with a devastating 80 projectiles per minute.
The World War 4-winning weapons are being stockpiled in secret locations around the country, with enough “firepower” for a multi-generational conflict lasting many decades.
“Our descendants will likely lack factories or the infrastructure to mass-produce guns or bullets,” said the insider. “We’ve included in each weapons cache detailed instructions on how to build more weapons when these have run out, as well as how to use each device. In anticipation of a Paleolithic society of child-like illiterates that we predict will populate post-World War 3 North America, we’ve laid out the instructions in simple pictograms.”
War wizards are preparing for multiple scenarios, most of them variations of an occupation of what is now the United States by an Islamist or Russian-Chinese mega-power. The insider likened it to a classic Star Trek episode in which, on an Earth-like planet, descendants of Asian invaders and fur-clad Yangs (short for Yankees) duke it out with primitive weapons.
“Our goal is to ensure that one day the real-life ‘Yangs’ – our fighting men and women of tomorrow – have the tools they need to degrade, destroy and ultimately vanquish those who mean our nation harm,” declared the Defense agency insider. “Our mission, whether in the present or the future, is to support our troops.”
PATRIOTIC: Even after the collapse of civilization, Americans of the future will revere the flag, just like this Yang in the Star Trek episode,”The Omega Glory.”
CAPTAIN Kirk saves the day again with his stirring recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution.
VICTORIOUS: America can, must and WILL win World War 4.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his thriller The Identity Thief.
ISIS, the diabolical and barbaric band of fanatics bent on imposing a vast Islamic state in the Middle East, is desperately seeking a new name–and it needs YOUR help!
“When our leaders found out that Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess once worshipped by infidels, they went ballistic,” revealed a PR wing insider who requested anonymity. “We need a new name quick or heads will roll, and yes I DO mean that literally.”
One roadblock, the insider noted, is that most of the really good evil organization names like HYDRA, SPECTRE and CHAOS have already been taken, used in movies, TV shows or comic books. The outfit is also known as ISIL, but that’s widely regarded as too bland.
“It sounds like a computer programming language that nerds would drone on about in a college dorm,” he said.
The public relations staff is extremely reluctant to turn to “decadent western infidels” for help, but they’ve been forced to acknowledge that young Americans have a better handle on popular culture.
“It’s tricky. The name needs pizzazz to appeal to the young lions we hope to recruit, particularly in the west, yet have the gravitas to satisfy the old guard in our leadership,” explained the insider.
It’s also imperative that the name doesn’t have an embarrassing meaning in any of the nearly 7,000 languages spoken worldwide.
“We came close to going with U.T.S.U.K., standing for the United Terrorist State’s Ultimate Killers, but a last-minute Google check revealed that the word Utsuk means “vagina” in Greenlandic,” the ISIS underling divulged. “Our leaders were none too pleased with the staff member who came up with that name. Let’s put it this way: He won’t be shopping for turbans any time soon.”
Can you think of a better name for ISIS? If you can, leave it in the comment section below. This website is in no way affiliated with the militant group, but if it does adopt your suggestion, you’ll win two free “Hour of the Beast” T—shirts.
SUPERVILLAIN Ernst Stavro Blofeld led the evil organization SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion) in the James Bond movies.
This writer is the author of the acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast. Check it out along with his other books HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Former allies who shoot at our troops will get a real “bang” out of the experience.
By C. Michael Forsyth
WASHINGTON — Next time a group that America has armed turns against us, their efforts will backfire — literally. That’s because the Department of Defense has quietly equipped them with guns rigged to fire backward after five years!
DARPA, the Pentagon’s hush-hush research and development agency, has designed scores of weapons ranging from assault rifles to surface-to-air missiles with a hidden chip that causes them to flip to “reverse mode” automatically five years after delivery, unless reset remotely from the U.S., an agency insider revealed.
“Yes, when America outfits foreign freedom fighters with arms, we’re giving them a license to kill. But now it’s a license that must be renewed regularly,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Defense planners initiated the program following a rash of cases in which forces to whom the United States gave military aid later stabbed us in the back.
“We armed the Taliban to fight the Russians in Afghanistan and they ended up using those same weapons against us,” the insider noted. “We gave Saddam Hussein military aid to fight Iran and before long our soldiers were ducking his bullets. During the surge we gave weapons to Sunni militias to beat back the insurgents. Now many of them are fighting for ISIS. Good guys keep surprising us by turning into bad guys. Well, guess who’s in for a surprise now?”
A spokesperson for DARPA, which stands for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, refused to either confirm nor deny the astonishing claim, nor would she address whether good-guy Syrian rebels or Kurdish fighters had received shipments of the new guns.
SYRIAN rebels like these brave freedom fighters are good guys … for now.
If you found this article amusing, you might enjoy the writer’s newest novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House , which is getting rave reviews. Check it out HERE.
Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.
JOURNALISM has gone down hill since the days when Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein broke the Watergate story, many media-watchers say.
It has come to our attention that questions have been raised about the veracity of a story on this site, “Anthropologist Held Hostage by Elves for 7 Years.” As a result, an indefinite freeze has been placed on all stories coming out of Iceland and an internal investigation has been ordered. Among the discrepancies:
ITEM: The photo that ran with the article bears a close similarity to one taken two years earlier of a nude sunbather stranded on a cliff side in the U.S.
ITEM: The anthropologist’s rescuer from Iceland’s national rescue service is identified as “Arnor Guðjohnsen,” but this cannot possibly be true because Guðjohnsen is not an authentic Icelandic name.
ITEM: Arnor Guðjohnsen is the name a former Icelandic soccer player and the chance of two people bearing the same name in a country the size of Iceland is extremely low.
Eagle-eyed internet sleuth Sharon Hill, who runs the website Doubtful News, was the first to suspect no elf activity was involved. In an article entitled “If ‘Anthropologist Held Hostage by Elves Sounds Ridiculous That’s Because it is,” she unearths a mountain of evidence casting doubt on the story.
Theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley, one of the world’s most brilliant men and once hailed as The Thinking Man’s Stephen Hawking, has agreed to scour all the articles on this site in search of other questionable stories.
Right off the bat he has identified five that he suspects might not be entirely accurate:
* “French Tourist’s Speedo Spontaneously Combusts.”
* “Hell Slaps Ban on Nudity.”
* “Vatican Agents Steal Satan’s Pitchfork.”
* “Few Fairies Gay, Folklorists Now Say.”
* “TSA Finds Alien Implant During Body Cavity Search.”
The genius gives high marks to Ms. Hill for bringing the matter to light.
“It takes an extraordinarily keen intellect to detect that a seemingly believable story about elves might actually be pure fiction,” he observes. “And to put hours of painstaking research into digging up facts to debunk it, well, that points to a level of intelligence that few people I’ve encountered possess.
“Without such diligence, readers would be left to their own devices in determining whether or not elves take hostages.”
NOBLE elf Legolas, played by Orlando Bloom in “Lord of the Rings,” would never take a human hostage unless all his other options had been exhausted.
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Maybe reporters can’t be trusted, but you can trust the author of this article to churn out an exciting novel full of twists and black humor. The tables turn on an identity thief in C. Michael Forsyth’s new thriller. To check it out, click HERE.
IN OTHER NEWS…
Had a blast on Halloween. Went as Captain Kirk, my boyhood hero. One gold Star Trek shirt = $15. One night in character as William Shatner = priceless. Here’s my impression.
Even the worlds greatest theoretical physicists, including Albert Einstein, have admitted the bizarre laws of quantum physics makes their head spin.
By C. Michael Forsyth
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Family values crusader Kevin R. Crousley has launched a campaign to ban the teaching of quantum mechanics from our nation’s high schools, arguing that its principles violate biblical teaching.
“Particles popping in out of existence or being two places at once – you show me anything in the Bible about that,” declares the tireless advocate for Christian rights. “And this so-called ‘spooky action at a distance’ sounds a whole heck of a lot like old-fashioned magic to me.”
Crousley is determined that he get full credit for starting the movement, before others jump on the bandwagon.
“I was out there challenging the global warming nonsense decades before anybody else,” he asserts. “This time I’m getting the word out loud and clear before some Johnny Come Lately comes along and steals the credit.”
SCHOOL kids should not be exposed to equations like this, family values advocate says.
Most non-scientists are perplexed by quantum physics, which deals mainly with subatomic particles that disobey the rules of the world we see about us.
One counter-intuitive notion is that events don’t unfold according to the laws of cause of effect, but are governed by “probability clouds.” The Everett Many-Worlds Theory holds that every possible outcome takes place simultaneously, occuring in a “multiverse” made up of parallel universes.
What’s more, when two particles such as electrons interact and then become separated they become “entangled” and can instantaneously affect each other — even if they are light years apart!
LEGENDARY physicist Werner Heisenberg
Crousley’s biggest beef is with the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which posits that a particle has no definite position until scientists measure it.
“If it’s so uncertain, why should we be ramming it down our children’s throats?” Crousley demands.
The family values proponent is especially appalled by the famous Schrödinger’s Cat thought experiment, in which a cat in a sealed box may be killed by cyanide yet, paradoxically, also be alive until the box is checked.
HEARTLESS: Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment is a textbook case of animal cruelty, critic charges.
“What kind of twisted, atheistic egghead sits around dreaming up ways to murder cats — and/or not murder them at the same time?” blasts Crousley. “It’s sick and ungodly.”
If Crousley gets his way, teachers nationwide will no longer be able to mention quantum physics in class – and face a fine of up to $10,000 if they do. To critics who claim the proposal violates the First Amendment, he has a ready answer.
“It’s bad enough that science instructors are teaching Darwin’s theory of evolution as if it were a law like the law of gravity, ‘What goes up must come down,’ ” he says. “Now they’re teaching pure hogwash that almost no one can understand, let alone believe.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
The author of this article wrote the acclaimed new novel “The Blood of Titans,” a love story set in the golden age of Africa. To check it out, click below.
HEARTBREAKING: Suffering from rare birth defect, the Wolf Girl is confined to a dark and dismal cell.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PYONGYANG, North Korea — Demented, diminutive dictator Kim Jong Un has threatened to launch a nuclear attack on the U.S. and embroil Southeast Asia in war, killing millions of innocent people. But even more sickening, the twisted tyrant has beefed up his dad’s notorious human menagerie — where as many as 150 pitiful freaks are now being held prisoner.
Kept in filthy cages and treated like animals, the “exhibits” are said to include a 17-year-old “Wolf Girl” covered head to toe in fur. The young woman, who has no name, lives in a squalid 6’ X 4’ cell, where she sleeps on a bed of straw, eats slop with her hands and defecates in a bucket. Never taught to speak, the tragic creature communicates only in animal-like grunts and howls.
“She’s Kim’s favorite exhibit,” revealed Katsumi Yamashima, spokesperson for the Tokyo-based Pan-Asia Foundation for Human Rights. “He loves to go down into his ‘zoo’ beneath the palace and taunt her with a walking stick — then squeal with laughter when she snarls at him. It is outrageous that any person would be treated this way. It’s an affront to human dignity.”
The REAL monster: Heartless Kim Jong Un delights in tormenting his collection of freaks.
A photograph purported to be that of the Wolf Girl was snapped by a former professional athlete who visited the palace and smuggled the shocking picture out of the country. International watchdog groups believe the hirsute teen was snatched away from her parents as an infant by the dictator’s dad Kim Jong Il’s Gestapo-like secret police.
“Any human oddity that attracts the interest of Kim Jong Un, like his father before him, is whisked away to a cell in The People’s Hall of Curiosities,” explained Ms. Yamashima. “That’s what the menagerie is called — although only the North Korean leader, his henchmen and a handful of curious foreign dignitaries are permitted inside.”
FILTHY cages like this house countless human oddities in North Korean madman’s private “zoo.”
L’il Kim, as the squeaky-voiced, pudgy strongman has been dubbed by wags in the U.S. media, inherited the human zoo from his father and has rapidly increased its numbers from a few dozen to scores. The unwilling residents reportedly include a three-headed boy, a Snake Man, a “mermaid,” and a Human Rhinoceros.
“The poor wretches are held in deplorable conditions, maltreated and malnourished,” blasted the human-rights activist. “Just as you might expect in a country where starving peasants have resorted to eating their dead. This is one of the worst — and most under-reported — human-rights outrages in the world.”
The Wolf Girl likely suffers from a rare genetic abnormality known as congenital universal hypertrichosis, experts say.
“It’s associated with a defect on chromosome Xq24-q27 and affects fewer than one in 1 in 340 million people,” explained British geneticist Dr. Christopher Jerbins. “Only a handful of cases have been reported since it was first observed in the Middle Ages. The best known instance is an extended family in Mexico, several of whose members are circus performers.”
What makes the Wolf Girl so unique — and Kim Jong Un’s most prized possession — is that she also suffers from an unrelated condition that is almost as rare: an atavistic human tail.
“Every human embryo goes through a stage in which it develops a short tail,” Dr. Jerbins revealed. “At around eight weeks, white blood cells normally dissolve the tissue. When that doesn’t happen, the baby is born with a tail. There are about 100 cases of a true tail in the medical record.”
AMAZING TAIL: Some babies are born with tails that can wag like dog’s.
Congenital universal hypertrichosis is sometimes accompanied by deafness and language impairments.
“The young woman’s intelligence is probably normal,” noted the expert. “But raised from birth like an animal, she could be expected to behave like one.”
Officials of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea dismiss the photo of the Wolf Girl as a “laughably crude fake” created as propaganda by enemies of the communist regime.
The government acknowledges that people with birth defects are patients at an underground “hospital” on the palace grounds. But a spokesman denounced claims that the prisoners are abused.
ROGUE STATE: North Korea is a charter member of the Axis of Evil.
“Most of these unfortunate individuals were shunned in their communities, where they were reviled as ‘nature’s mistakes,’” declared Hyang Soon Kangjon, Deputy Minister of Information. “Many were mocked, stoned or cast out. That our Beloved Leader would provide a safe haven for them demonstrates his great compassion. In a nation that has, through no fault of its leaders, suffered from widespread famine, you can be sure that these patients are grateful to have food and shelter.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you found this article entertaining, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
Like Bigfoot, werewolves are huge, hairy and stand upright, as this costume illustrates.
MISTAKEN IDENTITY? Could the Bigfoot in this famous photo really be merely a werewolf?
By C. Michael Forsyth
SPOKANE, Wa. — A researcher has at long last found a logical explanation for Bigfoot sightings: The hairy creatures are simply tall werewolves!
“In the darkness and confusion that usually accompanies such sightings, campers seeing a seven-foot beast covered head to toe in fur don’t realize they’re simply looking at a basketball player suffering from lycanthropy,” says veterinarian Dr. Andrew K. Luskheimer. “It’s a case of mistaken identity.
“I’ve always believed that one day science would find a rational explanation for the Bigfoot phenomenon. I’m quite tickled to have been the one to find it.”
The expert reached his startling conclusion after studying casts of footprints left behind at Bigfoot sightings throughout the Pacific Northwest with a cast of the paw print of the famous Werewolf of Abbotsham, which plagued the moors of England in the 1900s.
“The prints are virtually identical,” he points out. “There is no doubt that these two types of hirsute, nocturnal, bipedal humanoids are one and the same. This of course explains why whenever park rangers follow up Bigfoot sightings by the light of day, the creatures are nowhere to be found.”
Intriguingly, a tuft of Bigfoot hair recovered by scientists from a campsite in Yellowstone National Park in 1985 was later found to be canine.
“At the time, Bigfoot hunters were disappointed, when in fact they’d stumbled onto the answer to the riddle,” says the expert.
FOOTPRINT left behind by the notorious Werewolf of Abbotsham was preserved in this plaster cast.
CAST of Bigfoot print found near Roseburg Ore.
Virtually every authentic Bigfoot sighting has taken place during the full moon, the scientist notes. Others – such as the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film taken in 1967 – have been either exposed as fakes or are strongly suspected of being fakes.
Stories of hairy beast-men date back to the Native Americans of the northwest. The Halkomelem Indians called the mysterious creatures sasq’et, later anglicized as “Sasquash.”
“It should be noted that shape-shifting has been part of Native American culture for centuries,” said Dr. Luskheimer.
But it’s possible not all werewolves are indigenous. In 1847, reports surfaced that Indians living near Mount St. Helens believed that a race of cannibalistic “wild men” lived near its peak.
“Interestingly enough, about 90 years earlier in the 1750s, a French Canadian named Jean-Baptiste Dubonne, who had been condemned to hang for murders committed ‘while in the form of a wolf,’ escaped and fled to the area,” says Dr. Luskheimer. “Dubonne, a hulking mountain man who stood close to seven feet, likely fathered children who inherited the infection, spawning this pack of lycanthropes.”
The expert cited another fascinating case that throws light on the mystery. In 1934, a posse of armed men in Colville, Washington searched the hills following a Bigfoot sighting. One sheriff’s deputy shot at the Bigfoot and claimed to have hit it in the shoulder before it vanished.
“If you look at a newspaper photo of the posse taken the next day, you’ll see in the background a very tall rancher who appears to be well over seven feet – wearing his arm in a sling,” reveals Dr. Luskheimer. “Knowing what we do now, we can make an educated guess that this was in fact their elusive ‘Bigfoot.’ ”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!
British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.
“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’
“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’
“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”
The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.
“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”
“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”
THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.
Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.
“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”
The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).
VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?
How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.
Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.
“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.
“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.
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C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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