Archive for the ‘news parody’ Tag
Wildly cheering crowds are not just for Oprah’s audience anymore.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!
“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.
“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”
Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.
“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”
A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.
“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”
When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.
“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”
Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
- Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.
“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.
“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”
Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”
Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.
“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.
Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.
NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.
“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”
The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.
“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Politician Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey) is a master at delivering stirring eulogies in TV’s “House of Cards.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
A strict new Texas regulation requires that a woman who suffers a miscarriage have the fetus respectfully buried in a cemetery – even if the pregnancy lasted only a few days. The fetal funeral rule has created a quandary for many women and their family members, who aren’t sure how best to eulogize an embryo.
“It’s tough enough coming up with a eulogy for a relative you barely know,” said Jerry H., of Waco, whose sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. “It’s even harder when it’s for someone who never was even born and never did anything.”
The rule, which also permits cremation, was passed over fierce opposition from women’s rights advocates and doctors. It prevents the fetal remains –- often a collection of cells too small to see with the naked eye — from being treated as medical waste like an amputated limb.
“An embryo is a person too,” explained Hank Brutford of the conservative group, Get Government Off Our Backs.
Women who’ve been traumatized by miscarriage and rape victims who get abortions may just want to put the pregnancy behind them, Brutford admits, but he insists they’ll feel a “real sense of closure” after a funeral service and Christian burial.
Jerry H. did manage to cobble together a eulogy for the funeral, and he shared the touching remarks with us. He welcomes any other relative who’s stumped to borrow from it:
“What can I say about Baby X? His, or possibly her, time with us was so short. But I can tell you this: Baby X never said an unkind word about another human being. Never acted out of anger or malice. And how many of us can say that about ourselves? Not very many, I can tell you. A funny little annecdote about Baby X. Baby X’s mom, I’m sure you remember this. You were on the buffet line at Golden Corral, and suddenly you had to rush to the bathroom and throw up. Becky had to hold your hair up to keep it from falling in the toilet. Not the first time, right Becky? We all know how you two used to party! That was how Baby X announced, ‘Here I am!’ Good times… Well, I could go on and on, but I’m sure the padre has other funerals to conduct. So I’d like to recite the lyrics of a song by Eric Clapton that I think says it all, if you don’t mind. Where are my glasses? Okay, here goes.
“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
“Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
“Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
“Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
“Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven.
“Thank you. Baby X, we’ll miss you buddy.”
Few embryos can list many accomplishments in their first week of life.
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
KKKlassy! Model sports chic new look for modern office.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK – Now you can proudly display your political viewpoint on the job, while still maintaining proper office decorum – by donning a new kind of garment known as the klan-kini. The pared-down version of the classic KKK robe features only the hood and a shoulder covering, allowing a business suit, lab coat or company uniform to be seen.
At least four major clothing designers have introduced klan-kinis to their spring collections, and fashion experts predict the outfits will be a common sight at workplaces across America next year.
“People felt uncomfortable wearing a full-length Klan robe to work, because they feared it might be distracting to clients – and of course, it could be unsafe on a factory floor,” explains fashion editor Diane Wortenski. “The klan-kini allows you to express your political outlook in a discreet and respectful manner, while looking chic and sophisticated and blending into the office environment.”
While some companies with very strict dress codes may not allow klan-kinis, experts say increasing numbers will, as viewpoints once considered “too extreme” are now accepted as normal.
“If an employee wears a yarmulke with gray flannel suit, we certainly don’t have a problem with that,” noted a human resource manager at a leading Manhattan advertising firm. “This really isn’t so different.”
Women like the klan-kini, because it allows them to show off their classy designer duds – and their curves.
“Robes cover the clothing you’ve spent a fortune on , as well as your figure, which is frustrating when you spend as many hours a week in the gym as I do,” said 36-year-old Kathy, a marketing executive who asked that her last name not be used. “With a klan-kini, I can wear my ‘power’ pantsuit to an important board meeting. And on Casual Friday, everyone will see my cute skirt with the high slit.”
If the trend takes off, designers will likely expand their klan-kini lines to accompany formal evening attire, club wear such as miniskirts, and even swimwear.
“Next summer, when you take the family on a Florida vacation, expect to see plenty of young beach bunnies sunbathing in thongs with klan-kini tops,” Wortenski said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.
“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”
Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.
Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:
Shift-F9 = Serial Killers
P-Backspace = Peeping Toms
Tab-Alt-Delete = Blood Drinkers
Caps Lock-CH = Cannibal Hillbillies
Insert-DK = Prostitutes
F12-End = Mafia Hitmen
Enter-F4 = Insane scientists
PgUp-666 = Devil Worshippers
Command-U = Dominatrixes
$$$-Home = Loan Sharks
Com-@-End = Communists
It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.
“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Plucky English settlers landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Move over, Muslims! Descendants of Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower are demanding that the government create a registry of every last one of them now living in the U.S.
“With all due respect to Muslim Americans, our group has had far more cultural impact on the United States,” declared Millicent Standish-Billingsley, coordinator of the Pilgrim Registry Action Committee.
Tens of millions of Americans have at least one ancestor who was among the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in 1620 at what is now Plymouth, Mass. An organization called the General Society of Mayflower Descendants lists a small fraction of those bluebloods. To be included, people had to submit proof of their lineage to a historian for verification.
Said Standish-Billingsley, “Using DNA testing, it would be possible to create a comprehensive list of every single American descended from that group of plucky settlers. They have a right to know about their wonderful heritage.”
The push for a Pilgrim Registry began late last year, after then-candidate Donald Trump vowed to implement a Muslim registry if elected. Since then, many other groups have been clamoring for attention, including folks with Irish ancestry, Armenian-Americans, dwarfs and even mimes, all insisting that they also deserve special recognition.
THANKGIVING: A time when Pilgrims and Indians put aside their differences.
Unfortunately, the high cost of creating the proposed Pilgrim Registry — estimated at close to $60 million — may torpedo the plan.
“It’s an admirable goal, but at time when the national debt is rising, it’s very hard to justify the expense,” said an insider on the Trump transition team.
The following are the names of 29 adult Mayflower passengers known to have descendants. If you share a last name with one of them, you may deserve a place on the registry.
• Thomas Rogers
• Henry Samson
• George Soule
• Myles Standish
• John Tilley
• Joan (née Hurst) Tilley
• Richard Warren
• William White
• Edward Winslow
• John Alden
• Priscilla Alden (née Mullins)
• Isaac Allerton
• Mary (née Norris) Allerton
• John Billington
• William Bradford
• Love Brewster
• William Brewster
• Peter Browne
• James Chilton
• Francis Cooke
• Edward Doty
• Francis Eaton
• Moses Fletcher
• Edward Fuller
• Samuel Fuller
• Stephen Hopkins
• Elizabeth (née Fisher) Hopkins
• John Howland
• Richard More
• William Mullins
• Degory Priest
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
“Hamilton” actors ruffled the feathers of Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK CITY — To safeguard the delicate feelings of conservative politicians, theater groups are now prefacing plays with “trigger warnings” if there are themes involving social justice.
The precautions are being taken out of concern that leaders may suffer serious emotional harm – or even a full-blown panic attack — if exposed to controversial subjects such as freedom of speech, race relations, poverty, or gay rights.
“The last thing you’d want to see is the Attorney General fleeing up the aisle wild-eyed and gasping for breath midway through a stage production of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’” explained veteran Broadway stage manager Diane Lentowsky. “Everyone understands why panic in a crowded theater is dangerous. And even grunts of discomfort or audible sobbing can distract the performers and fellow theater goers.”
The move was sparked when cast members of the hit Broadway show “Hamilton” told incoming Vice President Mike Pence during their curtain call that they were concerned that the new administration might not protect the rights of Americans and hoped “this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and work on behalf of all of us.”
President-Elect Donald Trump, furious that the incident might have embarrassed and upset the new Veep, went on Twitter to demand an apology.
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place,” Trump tweeted. “The cast of ‘Hamilton’ was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!”
Chastened theater companies took his words to heart.
“Mr. Trump is 100 % right,” acknowledged Lentowsky. “The theater is supposed to be a safe space, where an audience member’s personal values are never challenged and they aren’t exposed to ideas that make them uncomfortable, or god forbid trigger some kind of emotional collapse.
“You wouldn’t, for example, want a congressman who’s just passed a transgender bathroom bill be subjected to ‘Angels in America,’ the marathon seven-hour play about gays and AIDS!”
Political subtext of “The Crucible” might rattle some officials.
The warnings, printed on playbills or made in verbal announcements just before the curtains rise, give politicians a chance to make a hasty exit. Some theaters are posting the warnings on websites where tickets are sold, so officials can avoid attending offensive plays in the first place.
There won’t be trigger warnings before all plays. Some, like a revival of the beloved musical “The Music Man” would be deemed safe after a careful review of all the dialogue. But a play like “The World of Suzy Wong,” about an interracial relationship, or “The Crucible,” seen as an allegory for the anti-communist witch-hunts of the 1950s, would be proceeded by a heads up.
“We’ll be putting on ‘The Sound of Music,’ which might seem innocuous, but we plan to post a trigger warning just in case, because in it the Von Trapp family must flee a totalitarian government,” Lentowsky said.
“The Sound of Music” might seem harmless, but the singing family’s run-in with the Nazis could have a triggering effect.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Sam ( Jared Padalecki) and his brother frequently battle evil clowns on TV’s “Supernatural.”
By C. Michael Forsyth
GREENVILLE, S.C. — Looking for a career with a bright future? Thanks to the recent surge in evil clown sightings, clown hunter is now one of the nation’s top 10 fastest growing occupations!
“There isn’t much call for vampire hunters these days, because blood drinkers have been virtually driven to extinction,” says industry analyst Maryanne Holtsgood. “But this year we’ve seen a tremendous uptick in the demand for clown hunters.”
Since August, the U.S. has been plagued by sightings of sinister clowns, some of whom try to lure children into the woods. Bewildered law enforcement officials have been unable to keep pace with the epidemic, and so communities have sought the help of hired guns, shelling out as much as $45,000 a pop to rid their town of a rubber-nose-wearing menace.
“A bounty hunter will walk into a mayor’s office toting a rainbow-colored wig ‘scalp’ and walk out with a suitcase stuffed with cash,” Holtsgood reveals. “It can be an incredibly lucrative career. Some are going into it full time, for others it’s a sideline, like being an Uber driver.”
But clown hunting is no barrel of laughs. Experts say it’s dangerous work that has already cost many overconfident wannabes their lives.
“Some good ol’ boy with an AR-15 and a couple of survival knives will decide to call himself a clown hunter, figuring, ‘How hard can it be to take down a clown?’ “ says veteran clown hunter Butch ‘ The Hammer‘ Kencaid. “He’ll go out there totally unprepared and end up with a face full of acid from a flower in a clown’s lapel, fatally stomped by oversized shoes or mowed down by a clown car.”
NO LAUGHING MATTER: Evil clowns like Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” are running amok across America.
In many ways, clown hunting is more challenging than more traditional professions such as vampire hunting, demon hunting and witch hunting. That’s because there are many different types of evil clowns and each type must be battled with different techniques and weapons.
“One might be a demonic entity, the next the ghost of a trampled rodeo clown, another a disguised extraterrestrial, and yet another a homicidal maniac,” explains Greenville-based Kencaid. “And because others may just be high-spirited college kids pulling a prank, you can’t shoot first and ask questions after.”
Among the weapons an experienced clown hunter takes into the field are a shotgun loaded with rock salt, silver throwing knives and a water pistol loaded with holy water. But more important than the right weapons is the right training. Familiarity with specialized fight moves such as the “eyeball poke block” and the “cream pie duck,” both inspired by the Three Stooges, is essential.
In the past few months, two clown hunting academies have cropped up, one on the west coast, the other in Minnesota. Next year, several community colleges plan to offer certificate programs in clown hunting. Kencaid advise novices to apprentice under an experienced hunter for at least three months before taking on a solo gig.
“If you go after a clown unprepared, the joke will be on you,” he warns.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If this made you chuckle, check out the author’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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SOUNDWAVES DON’T LIE: Computer program pinpoints hidden sarcasm, insincerity or hostility.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.
“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”
Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”
“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”
MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.
Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.
For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.
“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”
The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.
“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”
The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges across the country.
“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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