Archive for the ‘news satire’ Tag
I CANNOT TELL A “LIE.” White House spokesman Sean Spicer has mastered the use of air quotes.
By C. Michael Forsyth
You can weasel out of telling the truth without technically lying by using any one of a number of tried and true techniques, according to a top ethicist.
Recently, White House spokesman Sean Spicer claimed that President Trump’s false statement that his predecessor Barrack Obama had wiretapped him was not a lie because the prez put the word “wiretapped” in quotes. And that’s 100 percent correct!
“If you put air quotes around a remark or use quotation marks in writing, it means the opposite of what you’re saying,” confirms lawyer Bert Hupplewick, who specializes in business ethics.
What’s more, he notes, there are at least a half dozen other ways to skirt the truth without blatantly lying. These include:
Crossing your fingers behind your back – This technique, which dates back thousands of years to ancient Israel, is just as valid for adults as it is for second graders.
Double negatives – “There won’t be no strippers at the bachelor party” actually means there will be strippers at the bachelor party.
Bogus outrage – Without actually denying an accusation, simply retort, “How dare you say something like that?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
Fake sarcasm – You can throw a listener off track with an exasperated, sarcastic tone. For example, when accused of having an affair with your wife’s best friend, reply, “Oh sure, yeah, I banged her. And your kid sister too. Hell, even your fat cousin!” All of which is true, but she won’t believe it.
Disappearing ink – A sworn statement signed in disappearing ink isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. “The trick has even been successfully used to invalidate contracts with the Devil,” Hupplewick observes.
Alternate meanings – If you say, “I promise not to sleep with my old boyfriend,” even if you plan to have sex with your old flame next Saturday night, that can be truthful because “sleep with” can also mean “sleep next to.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats
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By C. Michael Forsyth
Thanks to a bill passed by Congress, hunters will now be allowed to shoot hibernating mother bears and their cubs in their sleep. But that’s just one of the unusual and challenging sports that some American outdoorsmen enjoy.
The U.S. House of Representatives recently voted to overturn a ban on certain hunting tactics on the 76 million acres of federal wildlife refuges in Alaska. In addition to blowing away hibernating bears, hunters will be free to chase them down with airplanes or snare them with old-fashioned steel-jawed leg traps, as well as gun down wolf pups in their dens — or lure them out with food and shoot them at point-blank range.
Animal lovers have expressed horror and outrage at the move, but many hunting organizations and gun-rights activists hail it.
“These sissified city-slickers, namby-pamby snowflakes and other do-gooders don’t appreciate the skill and guts it takes to bring down a hibernating bear,” declared 45-year-old Joe K., an Oregon businessman who takes frequent hunting jaunts in Alaska. “Ever wonder what happens if the bear wakes up when you’re tip-toeing toward it? And the females are the most dangerous. There’s no more terrifying animal than an angry mama bear. And remember, a lot of times they’re pregnant and about to give birth while hibernating. If you don’t know how mean and crazed a female can be when she’s expecting, obviously you’ve never been married.”
As for hunting predators from planes, the macho outdoorsman pointed out that this can be just as dangerous.
“Suppose the plane crashes in the wilderness and the grizzlies or wolves turn on you? Ever see that Liam Neeson movie, The Grey?’”
There are many other activities pitting man against nature that are just as exciting as hibernating-bear-hunting. Here are a few:
Sloth racing – With their hooked claws, sloths are better suited for travel through trees than on land, but beating one in a foot race is a great way to show off your running prowess.
Electrocuting fish in a barrel – Most people have heard the phrase, “like shooting fish in a barrel,” but that’s trickier than it sounds. One bad shot can put a hole in a barrel, causing the water to pour out. Today, some savvy fishermen prefer to place a battery-operated device in the barrel to electrocute the fish.
Chimpanzee chess – Chimps are the most intelligent of all our primate cousins. Some have been taught to play tic-tac-toe, checkers and chess, and defeating the brainy beasts takes plenty of concentration.
Rabbit wrestling – What’s up, Doc? Try getting a squirming bunny into a leg lock, and you’ll learn how difficult this sport really is.
Ant-mashing – Army ants are among the most dangerous and destructive creatures on earth, and a bite from their relative the fire ant can be almost as painful. Sportsmen pour a dozen of the insects out of a jar and into a box, then stomp on them as they scurry about at top speed. Enthusiasts say the sport requires “excellent eye-foot coordination.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
America’s enemies have many faces: Mexicans in the U.S. illegally, Syrian refugees, Native Americans trying to block a needed pipeline and other bad hombres. And it’s the solemn duty of each and every citizen to help authorities round them up. But national security experts say that before you pick up the phone to the DHS or ICE, it’s important to recognize what each ethnic group actually looks like.
“Every one of us has to be on the lookout for suspicious individuals and be ready to report them,” explained John Chushank, of the U.S. National Security WatchGroup, a Washington think tank. “But it’s vital to be able to tell the difference between a ‘feather’ Indian and a ‘dot’ Indian. A man in a turban lurking at the local bus station may look like a terrorist, but he could be a Sikh not an Arab at all. If you overhear two men speaking Spanish outside the Home Depot, that may seem to warrant a call to immigration authorities, but they might be from Puerto Rico, which is actually part of the United States.”
The group has put out a photo array including 300 pictures of celebrities and non-celebrities to help ordinary Americans distinguish between friends and foes.
“It may be difficult at first to pick up on the subtle differences in facial features, but a patriotic and vigilant citizen must commit them to memory,” Chushank said. “You don’t want to drop a dime on some ‘funny-sounding,’ swarthy neighbors, only to endure their dirty looks in the supermarket if all turns out to be a misunderstanding and they were just Greek.”
Here are some samples from the photo array:
MEXICAN: TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter’s mother Juana Cordova hailed from Mexico.
JEWISH: Eli Wallach played a Mexican in “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly,” but was born in Brooklyn.
SYRIAN: Teri Hatcher of “Desperate Housewives” fame.
MUSLIM: Dave Chapelle converted to Islam in 1998.
MEXICAN: Conservative black “Clueless”star Stacey Dash has roots below the border.
MEXICAN: James Roday of TV’s “Psych” changed his name from Rodriguez.
SYRIAN: Jerry Seinfeld, on his mother’s side.
AFRICAN AMERICAN: Johnny Depp may have been convincing as Tonto, but he has African ancestry.
MEXICAN: Baseball legend Ted Williams kept his ethnicity a secret.
CHILEAN: “Jersey Shore” guidette Snooki Polozzi was born in Chile and adopted by Italian-Americans.
Bolivian: Raquel Welch, born Jo-Raquel Tejeda, had a Bolivian father.
SCOTTISH: Sean Connery played an Arab in “The Wind and the Lion.”
SYRIAN: Paula Abdul’s dad came from now-war-torn Aleppo.
ARAB: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is the son of Lebanese immigrants.
Lebanese-Mexican: Salma Hayek is double trouble.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Val Kilmer has Cherokee blood and played an Indian in the movie “Thunderheart.”
MUSLIM: Basketball great Shaquille O’Neal rarely speaks about his religion.
PUERTO RICAN: Vanna White’s dad was from Puerto Rico.
SWEDISH: Despite his role in “The Prince of Persia,” Jake Gyllenhaal is not Iranian. He descends from Swedish noblity.
ARAB: Music giant Frank Zappa had both Greek and Arab ancestry.
JEWISH: Judd Hirsch of “Taxi” fame.
ARAB: Columbian cutie Shakira’s paternal grandparents were Lebanese.
MUSLIM: Rapper/actor Ice Cube.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Unlike Elizabeth Warren, Pocahontas is a bona fide Indian.
CATHOLIC: Jamie Farr, who played Sgt. Klinger on “M*A*S*H,” is a Lebanese Christian.
GAY: Neil Patrick Harris stars on TV’s “How I Met Your Mother.”
SPANIARD: Antonio Banderas, star of “Zorro” and “Puss in Boots,” was born in Spain.
WHITE: English actress Tilda Swinton played a Tibetan mystic in “Dr. Strange.
ARAB: Vince Vaughn’s paternal grandmother was Lebanese. He also has forebears from Italy, Holland and Germany.
NATIVE AMERICAN: Wes Studi, a Cherokee, has appeared in such films as “Last of the Mohicans.”
TRANGSGENDER: Laverne Cox stars in “Orange is the New Black.”
INDIAN: Aziz Ansari of “Parks and Recreation” comes from a Tamil Muslim family in India.
INDIAN: British actress Gabrielle Anwar of “Burn Notice” has an Indian paternal grandfather.
IRANIAN: Tennis great Andre Agassi’s father represented Iran in the Olympics.
INDIAN: Sir Ben Kingsley, who starred in “Gandhi,” was born Krishna Bhanji, to a British mother and Kenyan-born doctor of Indian descent.
MUSLIM: Mahershala Ali of “Luke Cage” and “Hidden Figures.”
INDIAN: Kal Penn stars in the “Harold and Kumar” comedies.
MEXICAN: Comedian George Lopez is Mexican-American.
SPANISH ANCESTRY: British actress Helena Bonham Carter is a descendent of a Spanish diplomat, Eduardo Propper de Callejon.
ARMENIAN: Reality star Kim Kardashian.
ALL-AMERICAN: Cindy Crawford is of English and Scots ancestry.
ARAB: Danny Thomas, star of “Make Room for Daddy,” was a Lebanese immigrant born Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz.
Like her dad, 1960s TV icon Marlo Thomas is Arabic. So, when you see someone who looks just like her fleeing a raid, you might find yourself pointing her out to troopers and yelling “That girl!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Hopefully, you recognized that this article was satire. No one has put out a how-to-recognize-ethnic-groups guide, at least not since 1945. (The facts about the celebrities are accurate, though, to the best of my knowledge. If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
- Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.
“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.
“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”
Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”
Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.
“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.
Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.
NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.
“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”
The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.
“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
KKKlassy! Model sports chic new look for modern office.
By C. Michael Forsyth
NEW YORK – Now you can proudly display your political viewpoint on the job, while still maintaining proper office decorum – by donning a new kind of garment known as the klan-kini. The pared-down version of the classic KKK robe features only the hood and a shoulder covering, allowing a business suit, lab coat or company uniform to be seen.
At least four major clothing designers have introduced klan-kinis to their spring collections, and fashion experts predict the outfits will be a common sight at workplaces across America next year.
“People felt uncomfortable wearing a full-length Klan robe to work, because they feared it might be distracting to clients – and of course, it could be unsafe on a factory floor,” explains fashion editor Diane Wortenski. “The klan-kini allows you to express your political outlook in a discreet and respectful manner, while looking chic and sophisticated and blending into the office environment.”
While some companies with very strict dress codes may not allow klan-kinis, experts say increasing numbers will, as viewpoints once considered “too extreme” are now accepted as normal.
“If an employee wears a yarmulke with gray flannel suit, we certainly don’t have a problem with that,” noted a human resource manager at a leading Manhattan advertising firm. “This really isn’t so different.”
Women like the klan-kini, because it allows them to show off their classy designer duds – and their curves.
“Robes cover the clothing you’ve spent a fortune on , as well as your figure, which is frustrating when you spend as many hours a week in the gym as I do,” said 36-year-old Kathy, a marketing executive who asked that her last name not be used. “With a klan-kini, I can wear my ‘power’ pantsuit to an important board meeting. And on Casual Friday, everyone will see my cute skirt with the high slit.”
If the trend takes off, designers will likely expand their klan-kini lines to accompany formal evening attire, club wear such as miniskirts, and even swimwear.
“Next summer, when you take the family on a Florida vacation, expect to see plenty of young beach bunnies sunbathing in thongs with klan-kini tops,” Wortenski said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
By C. Michael Forsyth
Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.
“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”
Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.
Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:
Shift-F9 = Serial Killers
P-Backspace = Peeping Toms
Tab-Alt-Delete = Blood Drinkers
Caps Lock-CH = Cannibal Hillbillies
Insert-DK = Prostitutes
F12-End = Mafia Hitmen
Enter-F4 = Insane scientists
PgUp-666 = Devil Worshippers
Command-U = Dominatrixes
$$$-Home = Loan Sharks
Com-@-End = Communists
It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.
“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this srticle, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Plucky English settlers landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Move over, Muslims! Descendants of Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower are demanding that the government create a registry of every last one of them now living in the U.S.
“With all due respect to Muslim Americans, our group has had far more cultural impact on the United States,” declared Millicent Standish-Billingsley, coordinator of the Pilgrim Registry Action Committee.
Tens of millions of Americans have at least one ancestor who was among the 102 passengers who arrived on the Mayflower in 1620 at what is now Plymouth, Mass. An organization called the General Society of Mayflower Descendants lists a small fraction of those bluebloods. To be included, people had to submit proof of their lineage to a historian for verification.
Said Standish-Billingsley, “Using DNA testing, it would be possible to create a comprehensive list of every single American descended from that group of plucky settlers. They have a right to know about their wonderful heritage.”
The push for a Pilgrim Registry began late last year, after then-candidate Donald Trump vowed to implement a Muslim registry if elected. Since then, many other groups have been clamoring for attention, including folks with Irish ancestry, Armenian-Americans, dwarfs and even mimes, all insisting that they also deserve special recognition.
THANKGIVING: A time when Pilgrims and Indians put aside their differences.
Unfortunately, the high cost of creating the proposed Pilgrim Registry — estimated at close to $60 million — may torpedo the plan.
“It’s an admirable goal, but at time when the national debt is rising, it’s very hard to justify the expense,” said an insider on the Trump transition team.
The following are the names of 29 adult Mayflower passengers known to have descendants. If you share a last name with one of them, you may deserve a place on the registry.
• Thomas Rogers
• Henry Samson
• George Soule
• Myles Standish
• John Tilley
• Joan (née Hurst) Tilley
• Richard Warren
• William White
• Edward Winslow
• John Alden
• Priscilla Alden (née Mullins)
• Isaac Allerton
• Mary (née Norris) Allerton
• John Billington
• William Bradford
• Love Brewster
• William Brewster
• Peter Browne
• James Chilton
• Francis Cooke
• Edward Doty
• Francis Eaton
• Moses Fletcher
• Edward Fuller
• Samuel Fuller
• Stephen Hopkins
• Elizabeth (née Fisher) Hopkins
• John Howland
• Richard More
• William Mullins
• Degory Priest
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this article, check out C. Michael Forsyth’s collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
SOUNDWAVES DON’T LIE: Computer program pinpoints hidden sarcasm, insincerity or hostility.
By C. Michael Forsyth
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — University researchers have identified “sub-microaggressions” — insults so infinitesimal that they are beneath the level of conscious awareness of the person being snubbed, and can be detected only with highly sophisticated new voice analysis software.
“This astonishing scientific breakthrough is on a par with the discovery of the God Particle,” declares science writer Gordon K. Jowski. “Until now, the existence of sub-microaggressions, also known as nanoaggressions, was purely theoretical. Now we have proof.”
Under laboratory conditions, using highly sensitive microphones, a subject was recorded making the statement, “I totally support marriage equality.”
“Advanced software picked up micro-tremors indicating that the speaker was insincere,” reveals Jowski. “The system can also identify sarcasm too subtle for a victim to recognize.”
MICROAGRESSION: Lesbians may take offense at an innocent question like this.
Ordinary microaggressions, first identified by Harvard and MIT experts in the early 1970s, are minor slights, usually uttered by well-meaning persons, that unintentionally communicate hostility toward people based on ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation or gender identity.
For example, telling a female colleague, “I love your shoes,” sends the message that you value her appearance more than her intellect. Saying, “I’m totally OCD about my desk,” trivializes the life experience of people who genuinely suffer from mental illness. Asking an Asian coworker after lunch, “Can you figure out the tip?” perpetuates the stereotype that all Asians are good at math. “Stand and be recognized” marginalizes people who are physically challenged.
“With microaggressions, the listener takes some degree of offense,” explains Jowski. “Sub-microaggression theory holds that sometimes the victim doesn’t pick up on a shift of tone or emphasis that communicates hostility – although he or she might subconsciously suffer psychological harm.”
The software analyzes soundwaves using psychoacoustic modeling, the science behind how humans distinguish and understand the meaning of sounds. Underlying emotions such as fear or resentment are revealed in a printout.
“It’s similar to Voice Stress Analysis (VSA), in how it measures psychophysiological responses, but far more advanced,” according to Jowski. “It’s based on technology originally developed by the NSA to scour overseas communications for possible terrorist threats. Now it can be adapted to help make America’s college campuses and office buildings safe spaces.”
The research team, from four top universities, made no specific recommendations for making practical use of the discovery, but some experts in the field believe microphones and computers equipped with the software should be installed in workplaces and colleges across the country.
“Microaggressions require a macro response,” declares Lauryn Coltbloom, a diversity consultant. “They are actually more damaging than overt expressions of bigotry precisely because they are small and therefore often downplayed, leading the victim to feel self-doubt rather than respond. Obviously, since nanoaggressions are 10 times more insignificant, society must put 10 times the effort into stamping them out.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this news satire by C. Michael Forsyth check out his collection of bizarre news stories, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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With an elite corps of mutants like Mystique of the X-Men, Russian leader Putin could rule the world.
News satire by C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Power-crazed Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has been rounding up mutants spawned by the Chernobyl nuclear disaster – in a bizarre bid to create a legion of superhumans!
Hundreds of helpless young citizens whose parents were exposed to radiation from the 1986 catastrophe have been plucked from their homes in broad daylight by the dictators’ goons.
“Police agents go from town to town, banging on doors and demanding that people who have shown ‘unusual’ characteristics go off with them,” said an Orthodox priest in Kursk. “These poor souls are never seen again.”
Reports of Putin’s secret plan to “weaponize” the Chernobyl mutants have sent shockwaves through the U.S. intelligence community, which now has serious doubts about his sanity.
“At first we laughed it off. The director said ‘It sounds like Putin’s been watching too many Marvel movies,’” said an NSA insider who requested anonymity. “But now multiple reports from CIA field agents confirm that he’s imprisoned at least 1,300 subjects in a vast research hospital in Siberia where they’re being tested for special abilities.
“We believe this is proof that Putin has finally gone off the deep end. It’s terrifying to think that this lunatic has his finger on the red nuclear button.”
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING: Six-legged deer is one of many animal mutants spawned by radioactive fallout from Chernobyl.
The disaster unfolded on April 26, 1986 when a reactor malfunctioned at the Chernobyl plant, near the city of Pripyat in the former U.S.S.R. The resulting explosion and fire sent a plume of highly radioactive fallout into the atmosphere, contaminating an area stretching more than 100,000 square kilometers over Belarus, Russia and Ukraine.
Although more than 350,000 people and their livestock were evacuated, it wasn’t enough to prevent radiation from altering the DNA of embryos. Thousands of animals were born with gross deformities such as missing or extra limbs, eyes and heads, and deformed skulls. As recently as 2005, 1,000 wild boars living hundreds of miles away from ground zero were still highly radioactive, and earlier this year high readings were found in cow milk.
“We have horned pigs, winged goats, feathered dogs and many other curiosities,” revealed Yuri Karvowzki, director of the Chernobyl Petting Zoo. “The silver lining of the tragedy is that our region boasts the most interesting and diverse fauna in the world.”
Human infants were also born with horrific birth defects, including cyclops babies, and those with “lobster claw” hands, scales, mermaid tails and centaur-like bodies. Most were stillborn or died soon after birth – but a few survived. The differences of some mutants are obvious, others are invisible and unknown.
TRAGIC: This boy’s mom was exposed to Chernobyl radiation, resulting in a harmful genetic mutation.
“The four most harmful radionuclides spread from Chernobyl were iodine-131, caseium-134, casium-137 and strontium-90,” according to nuclear physicist Kyle Fortblood of Cambridge, Mass. “Dozens of people died of radiation sickness. And hundreds more people experienced radical changes in the DNA of their sperm and egg cells.
“The Russian government has played down the number of human mutants that resulted from the disaster. We have no idea how many there really are or what unusual traits they might have.”
However, the notion that mutants could have special powers – like the X-Men of comic book and movie fame – is dubious, the expert went on
“The vast majority of genetic mutations are harmful. For every case of altered genes giving a person enhanced abilities such as telekinesis, heightened senses, or faster-than-normal speed, a million would cause severe health problems.”
RUTHLESS Russian ruler Vladimir Putin is bent on world domination — and may be out of his mind, U.S. intelligence officials fear.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
Editor’s note: We apologize if this news satire seems in questionable taste (to put it mildly) given Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. At the time it was originally published several years ago, we didn’t know just how much of a bloodthirsty madman Putin really is. Chernobyl had been on no one’s mind for years and the notion of the strongman rounding people up seemed comically farfetched).
But if you enjoyed this creative mix of horror and black humor by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, you’ll love his graphic novel Night Cage,
A spine-tingling and steamy tale about vampires taking over a women’s prison. (Picture ‘Salem’s Lot meets Caged Heat).
Also, check out this author’s collection of news satire available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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Horror News 