You can win that coveted promotion at the office and earn the respect of your kids at home by hiring professional clappers like the ones who applaud U.S. President Donald Trump!
“Today, there’s no surer way to get ahead on the job than having a personal cheerleading squad that applauds your good ideas, laughs at your jokes and hisses when office rivals criticize you,” declares how-to-succeed expert Cassie Stanmueller. “It’s a creative new way to win friends and influence people that’s quickly becoming essential in 2017.
“A claque that cheers enthusiastically when you offer a suggestion to the boss at a brainstorming session, or make a presentation to an important client, hammers home the perception that you’re a star in the company. Sarcastic claps for a coworker’s competing ideas — or a well-timed yawn — are worth a thousand snide remarks from you.”
Known as “claques,” such teams have mushroomed in popularity since it was revealed that the new commander in chief used paid staffers to clap at his first news conference and at an appearance before the C.I.A. Many employment agencies around the country now provide trained claquers in groups as large as 50, but experts say you don’t have to bust the family budget to have an effective squad.
“Numbers aren’t as important as enthusiasm,” explains Stanmueller. “Two or three college students working part time can do the trick.”
A claque can turn you into a winner at cocktail parties, by laughing raucously at your anecdotes, puns and off-color gags, and responding with a hearty ‘Here, here!” as you state your political opinions. And it can be just as effective in your own home.
“When your claque cheers your otherwise-boring speeches at the dinner table, it helps communicate to your children that you’re a source of wisdom and gives them new-found respect,” the expert says. “The group can also murmur in agreement when you make a good point in an argument with your spouse, or give a standing ovation when you deliver a memorable performance in the bedroom.”
When you audition clappers, make sure they can provide a variety of applause as well as laughs, such as polite chuckles, skeptical snickers and full-throated guffaws, Stanmueller advises. It’s also important to arrange a system of hand signals that tell your squad what to do.
“It’s like having an ‘applause’ sign to cue a TV studio audience,” she explains. “Practice with the group. The last thing you want is to hear boos when they’re supposed to be applauding.”
Savvy up-and-coming employees are taking page from President Trump’s book.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Alternative facts are just as real as actual facts, most top theoretical physicists now agree.
“So-called ‘reality’ as most laymen understand it is an antiquated early 20th century concept,” explains Dr. Heath Couldwell of the Cambridge Institute for Complexity. “According to the laws of quantum mechanics, it is entirely possible for a particle to not exist and simultaneously exist. It’s easy to fall into the trap of relying on the evidence of our own eyes, but in the modern era, we mustn’t.”
As early as the 1920s, experts first began to theorize that reality is not what it seems and that there is no such thing as a “solid” fact.
“The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, introduced by Werner Heisenberg in 1927, holds that it is impossible to determine the precise position and momentum of a subatomic particle,” Dr. Couldwell says. “In other words, there’s a fundamental ‘fuzziness’ in nature.
“Rather than conceiving of a fact as a concrete thing, it is more helpful to picture a constellation of possible facts, some of which have a greater probability than others.”
The famous Schrödinger’s Cat Experiment demonstrated that a cat might be simultaneously dead and alive. In the bizarre thought experiment devised by Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger, a cat, a flask of poison and a radioactive substance are placed in a sealed box. If a Geiger counter detects that an atom has decayed, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison and killing the cat. If not, the cat lives. Since such a random subatomic event may be occurring or not occurring and there is no way to tell, the fickle feline is, for that instant, both dead and alive.
“The fact that the cat is dead and the alternative fact that the cat is alive are equally true,” Dr. Couldwell observes. “And this principle applies to everything in the world around us.”
The notion that something can be both true and not true seems counterintuitive to most non-scientists, and even the world’s most brilliant physicists admit the paradox can make their heads spin.
“Schrödinger himself was convinced that his proof of the theory was incontrovertible, yet also believed he’d proven it to be absurd,” Dr. Couldwell notes. “One thing is crystal clear: If the fact that alternative facts are equally true as true facts is true, it follows logically that the alternative fact that alternative facts are not equally true as true facts is also true.”
Top presidential aide Kellyanne Conway was mocked in the media for her belief in the concept of alternative facts, but leading scientists say she’s got it right.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Are you converting your attic into a hiding place for Muslims, illegal aliens or other “undesirables”? Don’t worry about them being bored stiff. There are dozens of fun activities that can keep your secret houseguests from going stir crazy for four years, eight years or even longer!
“This isn’t 1939. There’s no reason no reason why a stay in your safe house needs to be a depressing experience,” says Carla Ann Fubner, a cruise ship activities director. “A cheerful décor with bright lighting and colors, comfortable furniture, plus plenty of mentally stimulating activities can make this a relaxing, memorable break from the hustle and bustle of work and school for the folks you harbor. Once you’ve worked with your decorator to create a pleasant environment, set about stocking the hideout with loads of games, puzzles and other items.”
Here are 18 suggestions from Fubner and other experts:
Board games. Supplement classics like Risk, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit with more recent games such as Scythe and Quadropolis – and the longer it takes to win, the better.
Karaoke CDs. “Make sure you have a wide variety,” says Hubner. ‘Hearing ‘I’ve Got You, Babe’ sung off-key every day for four years would drive anyone insane.”
Arts and crafts. Adult coloring books, ceramics, wood-carving tools and paint-by-the-number sets are a must. Include “how to” manuals for tricky crafts such as glass-blowing.
Juggling balls. Within a few years, even a fairly clumsy person can master the skill.
Party games. Download the rules for a variety of games, ranging from Charades to Sardines and Two Truths and a Lie.
Books and movies, especially comedies such as light-hearted Kevin Hart films.
Exercise equipment, such as a Stairmaster, jump rope, Pilates bands and free weights.
A rudimentary exercise area can easily be set up in a basement or attic hideout.
Language CDs. “Learning a different foreign language each year is a very fulfilling way to kill time,” Fubner notes.
Costumes, props and scripts for family plays. Also rules for improv games like those seen on TV’s “Who’s Line is it Anyway?”
Science kits. Children can learn about basic chemistry and physics while having fun.
Small pets such as gerbils and goldfish.
Jigsaw puzzles – ideally, 1,000 pieces or more.
Ventriloquist dummies and puppets.
Picking up a new skill such as ventriloquism can keep a person sane.
Scrapbooking materials. “Make sure your guests bring along lots of family photos and memorabilia such as theater tickets and award certificates,” Fubner advises.
A PlayStation, Wii and computer games for PC. Games that require going on the Internet are a no-no, because players can be traced.
Newspaper and magazine subscriptions.
Interpretive dance. Your visitors can express their emotions while building flexibility.
Magic kits. Says Fubner, “Who knows, after eight years ducking the authorities, your guest may emerge from the hideaway as the next David Copperfield!”
We’ve come a long way since the days of Anne Frank, when fugitives had to rely on diaries to keep them busy.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Miss Russia 2016 Yana Dobrovolskaya won without President Putin’s help.
By C. Michael Forsyth
MOSCOW — Since November, thousands of ordinary Americans in all walks of life have been inundating Russian President Vladimir Putin with requests that he influence the outcome of everything from small-town beauty pageants to divorce cases, officials say.
“We’ve received 6,500 handwritten letters and twice as many emails, asking President Putin to intervene in elections for high school president, prom king and queen, chairperson of bird-watching clubs — even to determine the winner of pie-baking contests,” revealed a Kremlin source.
“Americans now have this idea that Mr. Putin can just wave some kind of magic wand and make things turn out the way they want. It’s not that simple.”
Some letters to the former KGB boss read like a kid’s Christmas wish list. A 19-year-old South Carolina woman named Amber sent an email that read, “Dear Mr. Putin, I am competing in the Miss Swamp Rabbit Trail Pageant in Greenville. I think based on my looks I should definitely be the winner. (See picture attached). It would be so awesome if you could do a ‘little something’ to tilt the pageant in my favor. Your fan, Amber. PS: My little brother really wants the lead in his school play, Peter and the Wolf.”
Unfortunately, such tampering pleas are likely to fall on deaf ears.
“President Putin has a great deal of affection for the common citizens of America, but he simply does not have time to field all of these requests,” the Russian official said.
Pageant fan Putin watches swimsuit competition in Moscow.
NSA monitors who’ve been tracking the international communications agree that it is unlikely the busy strongman would get in the middle of petty local matters thousands of miles away.
“Putin has bigger fish to fry, like projecting Russian power in the Persian Gulf,” explained an agency insider. “He wants ‘useful idiots’ on his side, not useless idiots.”
The charismatic dictator, himself a very buff fitness enthusiast, is known to be an aficionado of beauty contests, and might conceivably tip the scales to ensure that his favorite in the Miss Russia competition wins the crown, the NSA source admits.
“And, yes, it’s true that it would be an ego boost for Putin to know he could also choose the next Miss America. But it is highly doubtful that he would get involved in picking Betty over Veronica as homecoming queen for Riverdale High!”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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NEW YORK – Now you can proudly display your political viewpoint on the job, while still maintaining proper office decorum – by donning a new kind of garment known as the klan-kini. The pared-down version of the classic KKK robe features only the hood and a shoulder covering, allowing a business suit, lab coat or company uniform to be seen.
At least four major clothing designers have introduced klan-kinis to their spring collections, and fashion experts predict the outfits will be a common sight at workplaces across America next year.
“People felt uncomfortable wearing a full-length Klan robe to work, because they feared it might be distracting to clients – and of course, it could be unsafe on a factory floor,” explains fashion editor Diane Wortenski. “The klan-kini allows you to express your political outlook in a discreet and respectful manner, while looking chic and sophisticated and blending into the office environment.”
While some companies with very strict dress codes may not allow klan-kinis, experts say increasing numbers will, as viewpoints once considered “too extreme” are now accepted as normal.
“If an employee wears a yarmulke with gray flannel suit, we certainly don’t have a problem with that,” noted a human resource manager at a leading Manhattan advertising firm. “This really isn’t so different.”
Women like the klan-kini, because it allows them to show off their classy designer duds – and their curves.
“Robes cover the clothing you’ve spent a fortune on , as well as your figure, which is frustrating when you spend as many hours a week in the gym as I do,” said 36-year-old Kathy, a marketing executive who asked that her last name not be used. “With a klan-kini, I can wear my ‘power’ pantsuit to an important board meeting. And on Casual Friday, everyone will see my cute skirt with the high slit.”
If the trend takes off, designers will likely expand their klan-kini lines to accompany formal evening attire, club wear such as miniskirts, and even swimwear.
“Next summer, when you take the family on a Florida vacation, expect to see plenty of young beach bunnies sunbathing in thongs with klan-kini tops,” Wortenski said.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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Pedophiles now want to be known by a less-threatening new name: Ctrl-P.
“The term pedophile has a very negative connotation that made it difficult to recruit or even have a civilized discussion on issues like age-of-consent laws,” explained an activist who runs a Ctrl-P website. “If instead you say you want to hold a meeting of Ctrl-P enthusiasts at the local library, you get a much warmer reception.”
Ctrl-P leaders say they were inspired by white nationalists who adopted the innocuous term “alt-right.” Several other groups that have been maligned or misunderstood in the past have also turned to the computer keyboard for fresh names.
Here are some other trendy new terms and what they mean:
It’s important for average Americans to be familiar with these terms, says Carrie Yvostoli, who serves as a new-word editor for a dictionary publisher.
“If Johnny comes home from Little League practice saying the new coach is Ctrl-P, you need to yank him from the program – yesterday.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Americans may now be living inside a cartoon, but the fundamental laws of physics still apply, scientists warn.
“After the election of Donald Trump, political scientists declared that we’ve entered a new era much like an episode of The Simpsons or South Park, and the ‘old rules just don’t apply,’” explains theoretical physicist Dr. Jeremy Blinkley. “Many citizens have taken that to mean that the world now operates according to the logic of cartoons like the old Warner Brothers shorts.
“They think that if you walk off a cliff, you’re safe from falling unless you look down. But that’s a potentially fatal misconception.”
In Wile E. Coyote’s world, gravity works differently.
Principles such as Newton’s laws of motion, conservation of energy and the law of gravity remain fully in effect, university experts have confirmed.
Scientists point to other physics-defying cartoon tropes that will not work in our universe, no matter how cartoonish it may now seem:
If a plane runs out of gas just before hitting the ground, it will still crash.
If you paint a tunnel on a mountainside, a train cannot pass through it.
If a bomb explodes in an individual’s hands, he will not simply be singed. He is likely to incur fatal injuries.
No matter how aroused a male becomes, his entire body will not lie horizontally in midair.
If an individual’s torso is shot through with holes, he will suffer significant damage, whether or not he takes a drink and liquid pours out.
A human being’s shadow cannot walk around independently.
Even if you are deeply in love, your heart will not pound outside of your chest.
If an anvil falls from a great height on a person, flattening his head, this will inflict non-survivable injuries.
If an enemy saws off the diving board on which you are standing, you and that portion of the board will fall — not the platform and your enemy.
No matter how sharp an object it is that pokes an individual’s buttocks, he will not be propelled several feet in the air.
The experts say the laws of physics that govern our world are expected to remain constant until the next geomagnetic reversal, when the positions of Earth’s magnetic fields flip. The last reversal, known as the Laschamp Event, occurred about 41,000 years ago during the last Ice Age and the next one is due sometime soon.
“Until then, you can safely assume the world abides by the laws of physics you learned in high school,” Dr. Blinkley assured the public.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
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WASHINGTON — In the wake of the Hillary Clinton email scandal, State Department officials are returning to a tried-and-true method for sending sensitive messages securely: audiotapes that self-destruct!
“Emails are just too easy to hack, whether they’re stored on a private server or a government one,” revealed a State Dept. insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We’ve decided to go old school.”
Fans of TV’s Mission: Impossible will remember how spy master Jim Phelps received each assignment on an audiotape, followed by the warning, “As always, should you or any of your I.M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds.”
The insider explained, “Unlike the emails of today, back then no one could dig up proof that a Secretary of State or the President authorized the overthrow of a brutal dictator.”
While Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server got her in hot water, hackers believed to be working for the Russian government subsequently hacked the State Department’s own email system, in what intelligence officials called the “worst ever” cyberattack intrusion against a federal agency.
“That forced us to think outside the box and take a fresh look at older forms of communication such as telephone calls,” said the insider. “We developing a system that operates on an entirely different frequency from cell networks, to prevent signals from being intercepted. The technical details are classified, but it’s not unlike those pen phone communicators used by the agents on Man From U.N.C.L.E.“
To foil enemy agents, State Department officials may even resort to the most low-tech form of communication imaginable: meeting face to face on a park bench and trading information while sipping Starbucks coffee.
However, not everyone in the agency is excited about the throwback to antiquated technology.
Said one disgruntled official, “What’s next, shoe phones?”
On Man From U.N.C.L.E., Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) could contact his boss securely using a communicator disguised as a pen.
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Following the lead of U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump, dozens of billionaires from around the globe are banding together to battle the elite.
While not all the names are known, the crusaders are believed to include Amancio Ortega of Spain, worth $75 billion, Bernard Arnault of France, worth $34 billion and Wang Jianglin of China, worth $28.7 billion.
“We’ve been inspired by Mr. Trump. We need to defeat the scourge of elitism once and for all,” declared shipping magnate Damik Kapur of India, in an interview aboard his $600 million, 82-room yacht, which boasts three swimming pools, a heliport, a solid gold toilet and its own mini-sub. “The world’s economy is rigged. We know because we rigged it to benefit ourselves. That is why only we are in a position to fix it.”
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The King of Saudi Arabia and other mega-rich aristocrats have vowed to bring down the elite.
In addition to the business tycoons, members of several royal families, including those of England, Denmark, Bahrain and Swaziland, have jumped on the bandwagon. King Salman bin Abdul’aziz, absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia, has voiced his support for the movement.
“We are united in our commitment to topple the elite,” said a spokesman for the ruler. “We owe it to the commoners.”
The combined wealth of the mansion-owning moguls is roughly $2 trillion. But being rich and powerful has nothing to do with being part of the elite.
“The elite are those people in the media, academia and elsewhere whose views have been guiding the course of nations for far too long,” explained business writer Terence Hilcord, who interviewed Kapur for a New Zealand magazine. “Think of them as the snooty kids who always sat at the front of the class in school. A member of the true elite may be a newspaper reporter or a college professor who doesn’t own a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. What makes him part of the elite is that oh-so-superior attitude.”
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this satirical article, check out the author’s collection of news parody, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Bravo! In a giant leap forward for mankind, DNA scientists have successfully spliced together human genes with those from a vampire bat – creating an amazing new hybrid that some are calling the world’s first real-life vampire!
The tiny embryo, still only four weeks old, would — if allowed to come to full term — have physical traits of both homo sapiens and Desmodus rotundus, a species of vampire bat common in Mexico and South America.
“We do not of course know exactly what it would look like,” says Dr. Hans Lichtstein, head of the team of Austrian scientists. “Most likely a human torso and head, along with bat-like features such as an upturned snout and pointed ears. It will probably have leathery wings but it is unlikely it will be able to fly due to the density of its bones. Theoretically, it would drink milk in infancy and later acquire a taste for blood, the dietary trait known as hematophagy.”
The controversial project was hush-hush until news leaked to the press last week. Dazzled science writers now agree it is the most remarkable use of genetic engineering since the creation of the goat-spider hybrid by University of Wyoming eggheads in 2010.
Scientists have not yet announced whether they will destroy the embryo — which was created for research purposes — freeze their bizarre brainchild for further use, or implant it in a volunteer in the hope that it can be brought to term.
“It would certainly make a splendid entry in the annual Frankenstein Awards,” notes Dr. Lichstein, referring to the exciting competition held each October 31 in which DNA wizards unveil their latest gee-wiz creations. But the researcher hastens to add that the project is far from just fun and games.
“Work in this area of science will hopefully one day lead to the elimination of hereditary conditions such as Tays-Sachs disease, and perhaps in time, result in humans with superior intelligence and longevity.”
MIRACLE or menace? Critters like this one in the movie “Daybreakers” may soon be a common sight.
THRILLING NEW GRAPHIC NOVEL!
Speaking of vampires, the author of this article, C. Michael Forsyth, has written a graphic novel about bloodsuckers overrunning a women’s prison, titled NIGHT CAGE.
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
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If you found this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth entertaining, you might enjoy his novels…
The creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s greatest magician probe a paranormal mystery in new thriller.
The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.
In Hour of the Beast, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. When her sons grow up and head to college, things REALLY get out of hand.
C. Michael Forsyth is the author of "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House,""The Blood of Titans," "Hour of the Beast" and "The Identity Thief." He is a Yale graduate and former senior writer for The Weekly World News
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